Matt Predicts the Plot of Star Wars: The Last Jedi

*Internal Screeching*

Boy it’s easy to forget they’re coming out with new Star Wars every year now. Damn. Alright first up impressions. Admittedly this trailer doesn’t have me as excited as I was for Force Awakens, but I’m still pumped. It seems pretty clear they’re going for a darker tone on this one, which, being the middle in the trilogy, I think everyone and their mother expected. I’m putting the chances at 60% The Last Jedi turns out to be a remake of Empire Strikes Back. Anyone want to take those odds?

Alright so queue trumpets! Title scrolls in. Blah blah blah, Force Awakens happened, we get it. Pan down, everyone is having out at a NEW Resistance base, this one’s shinier and totally not Hoth. Finn’s still knocked out from the previous film, but otherwise everything is fine. Suddenly! What’s this? The First Order totally knows where our base is, and there pissed we blew up their giant death laser? Oh and their here to kill some bitches? Fuck.

QUCK EVERYONE TO YOUR SNOWSPEEDERS -I MEAN DUST…RIDER….THINGS…

And those DEFINITELY aren’t AT-AT’s in the distance.

They all fight for a while, but oh no! Their armor’s too strong! Resistance gets the shit kicked out of it and everyone bails. Cut to Dagobah -I mean Waterworld -I mean Ahch-To?? Who came up with that name?

Not nearly enough slime monsters.

Anyways, Rey and Luke are there, hoping around, climbing on whatever the Irish equivalent of vines are (Ahch-To was filmed in Ireland). At some point Luke starts talking to horrible CGI-Ghost Alec Guiness (The OG Obi-Wan). “Oh no she’s not ready” Blah blah blah, “She’s too impulsive” “So was if you remember.” At some point Rey goes into a cave and has a bunch of visions and/or fights Kylo Ren. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT IT’S NOT REALLY KYLO REN! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

#2Spooky

At some point Luke is all like, “It’s time for the Jedi to END!” Then he goes through this whole long monologue.

Ok, pause. I would now like to take a moment to talk about why I think this is awesome. All through the prequels people going on and on about the prophecy and how Anakin is supposed to bring balance to the force. That sounds like a good thing, so naturally that means the jedi need to win right? Wrong! The Jedi shun the dark side of the force in favor of the light. That’s the opposite of balance in the force. What if the Jedi Order was itself a part of the problem. What if, in a sense, the Jedi were also the bad guys?

And here’s the reason I love this idea so much. It recontextualizes the prequels. The Republic didn’t fall because George Lucas is a bad screenwriter. The republic fell because the Jedi lost their way. They were consumed by fear of the dark side. Anakin destroyed the Jedi, and ultimately he ended up destroying the Sith: balance achieved. Luke tried to bring back the Jedi, and it led to the return of the Sith: Kylo Ren. The Jedi Order is flawed, ergo it’s time for the Jedi to end, and a new balanced order of force users to rise. An order that isn’t afraid of the dark side, one that isn’t afraid of love and emotions (Anakin’s ultimate downfall). HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! THE PREQUELS WEREN’T BAD! I mean…they were badly written…but they weren’t bad…thematically. Anyways back to episode VIII.

 

One Luke monologue later we return to the resistance, desperately trying to rebuild. At some point Finn wakes back up, and he’s all like where’s Rey? And Poe’s all like, “lulz you tryna”

To which Finn responds, “what are you 13?”

Some stuff happens, Kylo Ren trains with totally not Darth Plaugius, Supreme Leader Snoke. They talk for a while and Snoke’s all like, “you know Kylo, you’re cool and all, but this new chick, she’s pretty badass. We should like totes kidnap her and turn her to the dark side, yeah?” So they hatch a plan. And then…SPACE BATTLE!!!

PEW. PEW PEW PEW.

First Order’s back…again. They’re attacking the Resistance, which still hasn’t recovered form the last battle. Resistance ships get bored, and all the important people hauled away.

Captain Phasma will even do something useful for a change!

Cut back to Rey and Luke. There’s been a disturbance! Her friends are in trouble. But nooooo waaaait you have to finish your traaaaaaainiiiiin- and she’s gone. RIPeroni. But of course it’s a trap. As soon as the First Order captured the important people they gave up on trying to finish off the resistance and fled. So Rey figures out where they are and she flies there in THE MILLENIUM FALCON OMG NERGASM BTHLFEEEEEEEEPEFTHSTERGIBLM.

I mean seriously, stop blatantly pander- Ok that was badass.

She manages to break through the First Order’s defenses, but of course she was, that was the whole point, duh. She finally gets into their base or whatever and she’s like…”where is everybody.”

BISHEW! OR WHATEVER THE ONOMATOPOEIA FOR LIGHTSABERS IS! IT’S KYLO REN!

“If you strike me down I will become more emo than you can possibly imagine.”

They fight. They both get a little battle damaged (Battle Damage™ Kylo and Rey coming to a Toys R Us near you! January 2018!) and eventually something happens that separates them so they can’t fight anymore. Maybe it’s another spontaneous ravine like in Force Awakens, or they can directly copy Empire and have Rey just jump off a ledge. But hey, I’m just a fan, I’m no movieman, whatever works.

And then the movie ends.

Now it’s time for some predictions:

  • Leia dies.
  • Luke survives, but he doesn’t do anything beyond standing around and talking.
  • There will be precisely two space battles.
  • Kylo is 30% more emo, and 50% whinier.
  • Snoke is revealed to be Darth Plaugius the Wise. After Palpatine killed him, he used the force to reconstitute himself. It was quite badass.
  • Rey’s parents are not revealed, but it’s definitely not Luke.
  • Rey and Finn kiss at the end.
  • BB-8 will receive 70% screen-time
  • General Hux is killed for allowing the destruction of Starkiller Base, and also because he looks like a child.
  • The new chick, Rose I think her name is, will be a Lando clone and/or Poe’s girlfriend.
  • There will be no fewer than five fan-service cameos.
  • I will groan audibly at three of the five fan-service cameos.
  • This guy will come back.
  • Rey will use Luke’s lightsaber, but it will get lost at the end (again…) and next episode she’ll come back with a double bladed white saber.
  • Both Yoda and old Obi-Wan will make a voice-over appearance.
  • Just as the credits are about to roll Jar Jar Binks will jump on screen, point at the audience, raise his middle finger, and just start laughing.

All in all I’m pumped.

 

Advertisements