Holy Shit you guys, it’s happening. You better hold on to your tithes because it is about to go down. The greatest announcement probably in the entire storied history of the god damn universe. You best believe this shit is going to be down right magical. If you haven’t already heard you best pop a squat in the finest damn chair ever made, because you are going to hit the floor like a motherfucker when you hear the news. The Fruit Ninja Movie is happening.
Words can not fully describe what this means not just for me personally, ha what being arguably the biggest fan of the entire Fruit Ninjaverse, but for humanity as a whole. I’ve said it before, Fruit Ninja is a genre defining multi-media experience with the power to fundamentally alter the course of mankind, and now that they’re making a movie!? Well shit just went of the damn rails, no it’s off the entire planet and hurdling ceaselessly into the damn sun!
Now cinematic work up to this point has the raw emotional power, nor the deep philosophical meaning to rival that of the Fruit Ninja. The Fruit Ninjaverse is full of stories of such depth that you have to have a SCUBA license just to hear about them. Forget Romeo and Juliet, forget Schindler’s List, forget Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D. No story is as tragic, no story is as moving, no story is as heart-wrenching, no story is as thrilling, no story is as action-packed, no story is as horrifying, no story is as beautiful, and no story is as orgasmic as Fruit Ninja. Fruit Ninja makes every story ever told, from humble Homer, to humble JRR Tolkien, to humble albeit overweight George RR Martin, look, smell, and taste like fecal pap.
I can’t even begin to tell you about the incredible battles and fruit-related goings on in Fruit Ninjaverse’s thousands upon thousands of years of lore. Entire Continents regularly run red with the blood- err, I guess juice of fruit and ninjas alike. I simply can not wait to see what amazing director they choose to direct the greatest media franchise in the history of history. Surely it should be someone with the know how, and the elbow grease to lead this glorious fruity franchise to a new, higher plane of existence. I hope it’s Shia Labeouf.
The best part is, this is only the beginning. Soon the Fruit Ninjaverse, will be expanded into the Cinematic Fruit Ninjaverse. Which itself will be expanded into several other expanded universes such as the Cinematic Fruit-by-the-Foot Ninjaverse, The Cinematic Fruit Loop Ninjaverse, The Cinematic Squash Ninjaverse, The Cinematic Fruit Samuraiverse, The Cinematic Veggie Assassiverse, and of course The Ninja Fruity Cinemativerse. It’s the new Star Wars, but 80 billion times more awesome, and also on acid.
The future of cinematic masterpieces has a name, and it’s The Fruit Ninja Movie.