I was going to call this post ‘The Hallowed Halcyon of Things that Don’t Matter’, but the data demons over at google told me that wasn’t clickbait-y enough so I changed it. Man they really have a fetish for misleading exclamatory titles. Having said that, I should qualify that statement. Grammar doesn’t matter…to a point, but we’ll get there. Anyways, let’s talk about stuff that bugs me, shall we?

"This is what my butthole looks like"
“This is what my butthole looks like”

First up toilet paper, more specifically the orientation of toilet paper. SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP, WHY DOES IT MATTER. “Oh, but if you have the toilet paper facing outward I might poop on it, wah.” Idiot, are you that dysfunctional that you can’t poop properly, it literally takes no effort. Why is this a thing!??! There was literally an entire section in one of my freshman textbooks about how to design a toilet paper holder too satisfy both viewpoints, WHY IS THIS A SUBJECT WORTH HAVING SA VIEWPOINT OVER! There are literally a million things in life more important than the direction of your toilet paper, so shut the fuck up about it.

I just said that.
I just said that.

Next, the Oxford Comma, and by extension, grammar in general. Once again everyone needs to calm the fuck down. In fact, pretty much in all facets of life, people need to calm the fuck down. Grammar doesn’t matter. The point of all this shit your reading right here is to convey meaning. I sit at my desk here and I type these words all meta-like so that you can read them later and understand my thoughts and opinions. Grammar exists solely as a means to help convey that meaning. So if you understand my meaning, than all else is irrelevant, grammar, typos, font, hair color, none of it matters as long as you get what I’m trying to say.. I can eevn slepl eevyryihntg hirrobly worng, and you’ll still understand what I’m trying to say.

Ok, it wasn't thaaat bad.
Ok, it wasn’t thaaat bad.

The only advantage to having good grammar is making something easier to read. So sure I could see if you were trying to read a 10,000 page textbook about mitochondrial decomposition it might be difficult if every third word was misspelled or misconjugated, it would probably take you longer to read, but you will still understand the ideas, (well…maybe not, but it won’t be because of the grammar), whether or not they used the oxford comma. Writing isn’t about following the 8 million archaic rules set forth by whatever body governs the english language, it’s about conveying meaning, so if you get my meaning, all else is superfluous.

No that's Super Floss
No that’s Super Floss

Now for the big one: political correctness. Political correctness isn’t a thing, so everybody just shut up about it. “ugh I hate political correctness it’s ruining this country!” Shut up…idiot. A) it’s not a thing, and B) the word your looking for is empathy, EMPATHY. Yes, when constructing your opinions on things, it is absolutely a good thing to think about and consider the situations and struggles of other people, that’s called being a decent human being. It’s not political correctness to say that you can’t call people faggots, it’s not being an asshole.

Not really the message I was going for, but cute.
Not really the message I was going for, but cute.

Furthermore, political correctness isn’t a badge you can wear on your sleeve to show how righteous you are (and I mean that in both senses). You don’t get brownie points for not being a garbage human. Sympathy and empathy are things they teach in kindergarten. Then there’s also intolerance of intolerance, a beautifully recursive phrase that I am currently trademarking. People are allowed to be who they want to be. If they want to be a racist asshole, that’s their choice. You shouldn’t harass them or just generally be shitty to them, unless of course they’re harassing or being shitty to someone else, in which case you must quickly and swiftly pants them. But bragging about how amazing you are for tweeting about the tragedies Syria doesn’t make you a hero. In fact it kind of makes you a douchey prick, because….

Huh, so that's what that is...
Huh, so that’s what that is…

Twitter doesn’t matter. Twitter exists as a medium to broadcast your ideas to the widest possibly audience…that wants to listen to what you say and is willing to find your profile and follow you. In my honest opinion, it’s not really anything new. People have been communicating for millennia, what twitter does is accelerate the communication. Which I suppose is admirable. But it’s still just people talking to each other, usually about bullshit.

And bullshit is only good for starting fires (see what I did there?)
And bullshit is only good for starting fires (see what I did there?)

Let’s talk about some problems with twitter so we can get a better idea for why it doesn’t matter (also you could probably lump in most social media platforms in this argument). #1 people only follow people they agree with. When every voice is shouting the same thing in unison you get a sounding chamber. You’d be much better off just yelling your thoughts into a very echo-y room, that uses less electricity. #2 hastagactivism- err hashtactivism, I don’t know whatever that bullshit where you just tweet something is. The best example of this is Kony 2012. Right, everybody went on and tweeted, ‘oh man this shit is tragic #kony2012 #justblaze’ or some garbage, and what happened? Nothing, dude’s still out there, he might have died, but it certainly wasn’t because of the millions of dumb americans who jumped on that bandwagon. Change doesn’t happen by tweeting, laws don’t change because you tweet #legalizeweed a million times, all it does is get me to unfollow you. Laws change when people go outside and talk to people in power. Twitter’s good for getting the word out and nothing more. You send out your tweet, bask in the 5 minute feeling of glorious accomplishment, then go back to what you were doing, without having accomplished anything. Garbage, twitter is useless. #3 misinformation abounds. It always scares me, people who get their news from twitter, because I can basically tweet anything I want, and if people believe me then I’m on the front page of reddit or whatever site you prefer. There’s no corroboration, no fact checking, just you believing me because it sounds truthy. It’s one of the reasons myths about faking the moon landings, or UFOs (fun fact, what people actually saw were flight tests of the SR-71 Blackbird), or birther conspiracies, or all that garbage about vaccines causing autism are so prevalent. Fucking Jenny McCarthy can go and talk about how vaccines totes cause autism, and hey, people believe her because you know…. she’s famous. Garbage, garbage all of it. I recognize that I’m starting to get ranty, I should move on. Point is, twitter doesn’t matter, there are plenty of better, more productive things to spend your time on (damn I sound like an old person).

Damn that was a lot of uninterrupted text to get through
Damn that was a lot of uninterrupted text to get through

Lastly, drama. I don’t know the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized how little some stuff matters. Like you spend all of your time worrying about some dumb thing and then you wake up the next day and nothing’s changed. Like it’s funny to read about B.O.B.’s spat with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, it makes for some fun jokes, and it’s can be enjoyable watching them fight, but it doesn’t matter. The B.O.B. is still an idiot, Neil DeGrass Tyson still…exists, the world is still a sphere. The best example of this is the recent presidential primaries. Literally for months it’s been “ooooh Hillary said this”, “Oh Trump said this!”, “OMG 10 Things Bernie Sanders did at this Rally that are on fleet, number three skull fucked my brain!” And guess what! None of it mattered. YAY!!!!!!!!

The American political system is a polarizing mess! YAY!
The American political system is a polarizing mess! YAY!

Guess who’s the Democratic nominee? Hillary Clinton, just like a year ago. Guess who’s the Republican Nominee? Donald Trump, just like- well that one was a bit of a surprise, but ever since the primaries began it’s been the same. People have been fighting tooth and nail for months and none of it mattered. And it’s not like there was any constructive political dialogue. Just a lot of “You won’t believe what _____ said at their latests rally!” The whole thing is just a waste of time and energy. Talk to me when it’s November 4th and I’ll tell you who I’m going to vote for, but until then just calm the fuck down, it doesn’t matter. Sorry I should clarify, it definitely does matter who is the next president, I’m saying the daily drama circle jerk doesn’t matter.

Yeah, no way I was searching for that.

I don’t know. There’s a lot of meaningless garbage out there. That’s why you got to focus on what matters, the things that make you happy, and the things that you are contractually obligated to do because you lost a fiddle-battle with the devil.

He looks much more clay mated than I otherwise would have imagined.
He looks much more clay-mated than I otherwise would have imagined.