Hoooooly shit, there is a new Star Wars trailer out right now. Also this happened.
But as much as I love that picture we’re gonna talk about the trailer. Not gonna lie it kind of snuck up on me. I guess it never really set in that there’s going to be a new Star Wars movie every year. Anyways here’s the trailer for the one guy who hasn’t seen it yet.
My initial impressions: well alright, let’s do this thing. I’m not as pumped as I was for Force Awakens, but that had a lot going for it. Mostly the fact that it was the first Star Wars movie in +10 years, and the first good one in +30. Plus it had all the old characters, and it was this brand new thing. Rogue One on the other hand is the first of the so-called “anthology” movies, meaning it’s not part of the central story line. Since it is, really the first movie of its kind I don’t know what to expect. Honestly it could go any of a million different ways. Rumors are it’s going to feel like a war movie. Personally I have an inkling it’s going to be more of a heist movie, but we’ll get to that later. First some thoughts on the trailer.
As far as trailers go, pretty typical, maybe a bit above average. Raised a bunch of questions, didn’t spoil any of the movie really. And I feel like I should say that it’s a minute and a half long, so it’s not really enough information to pass judgement on any of the characters or plot points mentioned in the trailer, but this is the internet and passing judgement is all we do here.
First things first let’s talk about Felicity Jones, aka Jyn Erso.
Alright, I mean, that’s a name I guess, definitely very…Star Wars-y. I think it may take me a moment to digest however. The character sounds interesting, bad-ass rebel agent, bold, reckless, yada yada yada Lethal Weapon. Didn’t care for her lines in the trailer, they felt weird and clunky, like a middle schooler trying to sound tough, but I have a feeling the editing may have something to do with that.
Moving on we got my boy Ip Man:
I’m very curious to see who his character ends up being. In the trailer it almost looks like he’s sparing with the stormtroopers, given the fact that they’re not actively trying to shoot him, but I have a feeling he’s more of the rebel type (also why would they be sparing in front of a crashed X-wing). He definitely has a very samurai-vibe to him, which suggests a possible connection to the force, but reportedly there are no jedi Rogue One, so I have no idea.
And then there’s Forest Whitaker’s character.
As much as I like Forest Whitaker, it seems like a super distracting casting choice. I don’t know, maybe my opinion will change when I’m actually in the theater, but right now I don’t see a Star Wars character, I see Academy Award winning actor Forest Whitaker. That aside, he’s got a pretty sweet suit of power armor, although that oxygen mask suggests he’s probably injured in some way. Anyways, if I had to guess he’s probably going to end up being Jyn Erso’s mentor or whatever.
Ohh and now my favorite parts, the bad guys:
Oh man who is this guy? Surely he’s some ruthless imperial admiral, and if I had to guess, the one in charge of protecting the Death Star plans. Man, I bet you he’s gonna torture some bitches. Oh oh oh! WHOOOO (or what) IS IN THE BIG TANK?
Word on the street is it’s Emperor Palpatine, which- yeah it’s probably Emperor Palpatine. BUT WHO’S THE GUY KNEELING IN FRONT OF HIM?! Pro-probably an inquisitor, or just the guy from the previous picture. And don’t get me started on those stormtroopers.
Alright, and now I shall prove my Star Wars prowess by predicting the entire plot of the movie 8 months before it comes out. Let us begin.
Alright first we have the opening scroll, the empire has taken over the galaxy and is super oppressive. A ragtag alliance of grumpy star systems as formed an alliance to overthrow the empire. Spoiler alert they’re getting their asses handed to them. Oh but what’s this they’ve intercepted a transmission that reveals the empire is about to test their sweet new weapon aka La Estrella de la Muerte (The Death Star).
We pan down to another sandy ass planet where a squad of x-wings are hashing it out with some tie fighters. Maye it’s Tatooine, although I wouldn’t be on it, Tatooine’s been done to death. Anyways they shoot down the x-wings and immediately stormtroopers arrive on the seen to arrest those darn rebel pilots. But guess who just so also happens to be on planet Sandy-ass: Jyn Erso! She starts punchin’ troopers right an left, pew pew pew. But then, oh no! She’s surrounded!
They’re about to cuff her when Ip Man Donnie Yen strolls on through the scene. Initially they’re confused. “What’s this blind old man doing here? Doesn’t he realize there’s a battle going on. One of the stormtroopers walks up to him to tell him to scram, but wait he’s not blind, he’s actually a radical kung fu master! He beats up all the troopers then him and Jyn Erso skedaddle and meet up with some other rebels who are in the area. Meanwhile the empire gets away with the rebel pilots.
Seeing how badass of a fighter Jyn is, Ip Man invites her back to Yavin for a little chit chat with Mon Mothma. Once there they’re like, “hmm, you’re pretty good, but can we trust you?” So they send her on another mission with some dudes, they blow some shit up, shoot some stormtroopers. I can’t decide if they’re going to save the same rebel pilots, or if they’re trying to find something that will reveal the location of the death star plans. But regardless they shoot some mofos, stuff blows up and they eventually make it back to base.
This time there like, “you did good back there kid.” And Mon Mothma tells her all about the death star and what not, then tells her she wants her to go steal the plans and oh yeah they’re guarded by this super evil admiral guy. Oh interspersed with all that stuff is scenes of that admiral chatting it up with the emperor and biz, torturing rebels, and just generally being a bad dude. Anyways, Jyn gets her assignment. At some point she talks to Forest Whitaker, maybe he knows a secret way in or something, maybe he just has some sage advice. He’ll probably come along on the mission and get killed in some heroic way.
So they sneak into this bunker, probably in a stolen transport, maybe in some stolen trooper geddups. They sneak their way in there, they grab the plans, but oh no! The alarm goes off. So they just sprint the hell out of there, all the while being chased by what looks like a battalion of stormtroopers. They make it outside, only to find themselves surrounded by AT-AT walkers.
Their ship is gone, they’re getting shot at by AT-ATs there’s an army behind them blocking their exit, and there’s probably a fleet of star destroyers in orbit with their turbo lasers trained on the bunker exit. Team members start dropping left and right, they eventually make it to like a small one-man fighter. It’s only her and one other dude left (oh and he’s Poe Dameron’s father). She bravely offers to stay behind. Papa Dameron takes off and flies away. He’s a bad ass pilot so he fights his way through some tie fighters before making the jump to hyperspace. Meanwhile back on the planet Jyn Erso is preparing to make one final stand. She hunkers down behind some cover, and lays out the rest of her ammunition. The music fades in. Mon Mothma says some inspirational words about how important this success was and how many bothers died to bring us this information. All the while it’s cutting between Jyn preparing to die, Papa Dameron probably looking at a picture of his kid or some shit, and the evil admiral freaking out that he lost the death star plans.
It cuts back to Jyn one last time. The stormtroopers have completely surrounded her. The walkers are standing back ready to fire. She jumps up and DUN DUN DAAAAA! She reveals that she was an imperial agent the whole time!!!! She was working deep cover and planned the whole thing to catch Papa Dameron and the other top rebel spies. And then as the movie shows Dameron’s ship docking with Tantive IV (Leia’s Ship from Episode IV) Jyn tells the evil admiral how she placed a tracker on his ship, and there’s a casual reference to sending Darth Vader to retrieve it.
Man I can’t wait the 8 months when my speculation is proven right and I am hailed as the most knowledgeable Star Wars Fan of them all.