Matt Goes to Mars

I’m going to space. A little while back, I was hanging out with my friends thinking about the future and what I was going to do with my life, when I cam to a decision. I am going to space, it is decided.

If Llamas can do it, why can't I?
If Llamas can do it, why can’t I?

It takes a special kind of arrogance to believe that you not only have the capability, let alone the credentials to be one of the like two people who get to leave the atmosphere every year, but I’m awesome so there you go. Seriously though, who’s NASA going to pick, some generic white guy, or some generic white guy with a blog?

Hold on I'm just noticing something. Is that a piano on the ISS?!?!
Hold on I’m just noticing something. Is that a piano on the ISS?!?!

Joking aside, I am the chosen one so I should be a shoe in. The more I think about it the more I realize that there is literally nothing I’d rather do. I mean being an academy award winning movie director sounds like it would be fun and all, but you don’t get to wear a sweet geddup like those astronaut suits.

sexyyyyy
sexyyyyy

In all honesty I actually think my chances are quite good. Look at the qualifications. Have a bachelors degree in science. Check. Have three years of work experience. Working on it. Be really smart. It’s my entire personal identity! Be super passionate about science. Uuuuuuh have you seen my Kerbal Space Program play time? Be between 5’2″ and 6’3″. Check. My sight is garbage, but only in one eye. That’s good enough though right? The timing is perfect too, NASA is getting ready to go to Mars (among other things) and they’re going to need a lot of astronauts.

Google images was being extremely unhelpful today
Google images was being extremely unhelpful today

Now that we’ve clearly established that I’m going to space, let’s talk about where in space I’d like to go. Of course anywhere would be cool, it’s fucking space of course it’s cool, but if I can be nit picky I have some preferences. I’d be willing to settle for low earth orbit, but only because it’s better than going nowhere. The NASA arm mission sounds pretty dope, so I’d be down with that one (it’s where they want to capture an asteroid then send astronauts to it to like, poke it or something).

THE CLAAAAW
THE CLAAAAW

But you can probably guess what the number one is…Europa that’s right! I’ve been jonesing to get me some of those Europapean lobsters ever since I was a wee lad, but given that NASA has no plans to launch a manned mission to Europa, number one on my list is Mars. For one the timing lines up pretty well, and it checks one more box on my list to become Matt Damon.

If we could skip the being left behind part that'd be cool.
If we could skip the being left behind part that’d be cool.

Aside from going to space, what part of being an astronaut am I most excited about? Why thank you for asking. First and foremost is the self-fulfilling desire to objectively prove I’m a better person than all those jerks I went to High School with.

<3 you guys!
❤ you guys!

There’s also the sweet geddups I mentioned earlier. I’m looking forward to the attention and the increase in views. I think it’d be a good opportunity to get some sweet picks of space and junk. But mostly I’m looking for a reason for all those photoshops I made of myself in spacesuits.

I have a problem
I have a problem

 

 

 

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