Try Not to Die- How to Run a 5K

Running is the world’s second oldest activity, right after mitochondrial respiration. It is one of the few things that unites us all. Every living creature on Earth runs, well with the exception of the occasional sloth who can’t be bothered.

Get off your ass Sloth!
Get off your ass Derek!

They say that some species of antelope are born running, which sets some really high expectations for the antelopes that are more into reading. Needless to say running holds a hallowed place in the human experience. So if you ever want to run a 5k here’s some tips to help.

Step 1- Pick a Race Really Far in the Future

First thing’s first, you need to register for a 5k before you can run it. I mean, you could probably just go outside and run in a straight line until you’ve gone 5 kilometers, but you’d probably run into something if you did that. Instead what you should do is have your sister nag you about it for a month, then sign up for an 5k race at least three months in the future. Any sooner than that and you might actually remember that you signed up for the race. You want it to be as surprising as possible, that way you can tap into that fight of flight mechanism.

also hire someone to follow you around in a bear costume
also hire someone to follow you around in a bear costume

Step 2- Train, Train, Train

A race like a 5k can be down right painful if you’re not properly prepared for it. If you want to complete a 5k and save the rec center then you’re going to need to train. Now I could probably write an entire article about how to train, but I’ll summarize it thusly. Watch all of the Rocky movies, then recreate the Rocky movies, then do $100 million at the box office. Also, travel exclusively by train, so that you can train while on the train. Do that for a couple of months and you should be ready for step 3.

Also buy a bunch of model trains
Also buy a bunch of model trains

Step 3- Don’t do anything for a month

Now that you’ve built up a fit, sculpted physique, you need to minimize all physical activity for the next month before the race so that you muscles can atrophy. Nothing makes you look like more of a threat than a ponytail, and a pot belly. If at all possible I would recommend getting a catheter and one of those robots that brings you food, so you don’t ever have to move from your spot on the couch. You’ll know your doing it right if there is a darkened hole in the seat when you stand up.

this is a good start
this is a good start

Step 4- Get a nice good breakfast

There’s a reason they say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day…because it is. You’re going to want to carboload for this one, so eat as much bread as you can. Personally I like to double-fist plain bagels, but I’ve also heard of people deep-throating hotdog buns, and sucking sourdough. But you feel free eat whatever one you like! Just be sure to fill your stomach to capacity, the last thing you want is nasty air sloshing around while you’re running.

How do you think Seth Rogan set the world 5k record?
How do you think Seth Rogan set the world 5k record?

Step 5- Start the race

At some point you’re going to have to start the race, they won’t hold the race while you have a mental breakdown in the bathroom forever! When getting into starting position, i’d recommend getting behind the people with the strollers, they’ll give you a bigger forward boost when you push them out of the way. But most of all keep it cool, you’ve got this, and there’s no way the 20 bagels you just ate will come back to haunt you.

Also, don't be this asshole
Also, don’t be this asshole

Step 6- Use the tiny cups to take a mid-race shower.

At most races they’ll have tables full of tiny cups of water placed along the route. These little moisture receptacles are there for you to take advantage of, don’t be afraid to stop and use them all to make yourself a little shower. Don’t be afraid to take your clothes off and really get in there. Public bathing has been a customary part of competitive running since 500 BC! The Romans were known to run dragging entire bath houses behind them! Just remember, it’s BYO soap!

NOOO! Not Bring Your Own Soap!!!
NOOO! Not Bring Your Own Soap!!!

Step 7- Try not to die

Alright, you’ve made it halfway through the race, you’ve taken a nice shower, you’re at the front of the pack, and now it’s time for the final stretch. Try to ignore the screaming pain from your cardiovascular and pulmonary systems, and finish the race in a conscious state! The bagels you ate may have formed a calcified mass in your small intestine, but don’t let that get you down (besides, duodenums are expendable)! You are the best around and no one is ever going to get you down!  So fight through the pain, put that sharp pain in your right shoulder out of your mind, and do your best to keep your arms from going limp. The end is almost there, and it would be pretty ironic to die right before the finish line.

wait, is it ironic, or is it a counter coincidence
wait, is it ironic, or is it a counter coincidence

Step 8- Absolutely finish before your sister

She dragged you into this mess, so be sure to put your arm out, and push her back to ensure you eek out, at least a .01 second victory, because that’s all that really matters.

 

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One thought on “Try Not to Die- How to Run a 5K

  1. Great advice, you are a true inspiration. As a running-hag of advanced years I would also advise taking one of those little donut shaped running bottles as a refreshing gin truly warms the cockles following the alfresco shower at the water station…

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