Dorngeons and Dorgans

Over Thanksgiving Break, my friends and I began playing Dungeons and Dragons. Being noobs at both Dungeoning and Dragooning, we decided to begin with the starter campaign, or for those of you playing along at home, “The Lost Mine of Phandelver!” I expertly took the role of Dungeon Master, and took the liberty of creating everyone’s characters, because my friends can’t be bothered, and you know, math is hard.

granted there is a lot of it
granted there is a lot of it

Anyways, as the Dungeon Master it was my job to set up the rules, and to help guide the merry band of fools through the fantastical world. Well… let’s just say the first part was easier. The following is a rough transcript of the fun, adventures, and utter nonsense that transpired in our first expedition into the world of DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (or DnD for the hippest amongst you). 

Our story begins in the town of Neverwinter in the Forgotten Realms. Five dark figures sit huddled around a small table at the back of a dingy tavern. There is Jaden son of Smith, a young hotheaded fighter.


His roots are those of esteem. His father was once traveled the rough lands to the east, before moving west and settling his kingdom. Though human, his ancestry has granted him kinship with the elves. He carriers a small amulet with him wherever he goes to remind him of his forefathers…and to score some fair maidens.

Sitting beside Jaden is Cinnamon, a cleric of unknown origin.

DnDRajitCharacterLittle is known about Cinnamon and his people. Legend tells of a secret tribe of Cindarians living to the south. Cindarians, it is said, possess unrivaled speed and agility. To some they are simply called the shadow people. They’re skills of stealth and hiding are bar none, else they wouldn’t be much of a secret race. Rumor has it Cindarians are powerful wielders of magic, and that they can vanish in an instant. Though it should be noted that those who concern themselves with myths and rumors have a propensity for exaggeration. In spite of the legends, Cinnamon prefers not to talk of his heritage, his concern is that of adventure.

Beside Cinnamon is Atlas, the most dangerous rogue in the sword coast.


Atlas prefers to fight his battles at a distance. As a tiefling his horrid appearance has made him an outcast from society, and as a result he has chosen to dwell in the shadows. He prefers to surprise his enemy and stab him in the back rather than attack him head on. Should he be discovered, he uses his trusty bow to deal sweet death upon his foes. He has come to be feared within the criminal underbelly of Neverwinter.

By his side is Elephant, the wizard.

DNDSamCharacter On his way to the gathering, Atlas stumbled upon a crazy man. That man…was Elephant. Elephant doesn’t remember much of the before-time, the time from before he thought he was an elephant, from before he discovered his mystical powers, from before he ate all those mushrooms, back when people used to call him  Chaz. Now all Elephant knows is that he is a wizard, and an elephant, although that last part has yet to be confirmed by an outside source. Elephant may not talk a whole lot of sense, but he is naked, very naked, and he will day in approximately 4 hours unless he gets some clothes.

At the head of the table sits Carlos son of Luck.


Carlos son of Andrew is a born fighter. He spent his childhood under the tutelage of his father. Through many years of hard work Carlos has blossomed into a fearsome warrior. With his training complete Carlos now seeks to make his name as an adventurer, to fight for freedom and justice across the Forgotten Realm.

Gathered around the table the five adventurers discuss the mission ahead. A trio of dwarves, the Rockseeker Brothers, have left in search of something. They have given the group the task of bringing a cart full of supplies to their camp in Pandalin. Each member of the group has been promised ten gold pieces in return.

Before setting off on their adventure the group decided to go and buy some clothes for Elephant, for one so he wouldn’t die, and also so they wouldn’t have to look at his grungy codpiece. Feeling sorry for his new companion Cinnamon offered to pay for Elephant’s new effects. Upon Realizing that Cinnamon had more money than him, Jaden became consumed by a jealous rage. In his anger he attempted to steal Cinnamon’s gold. Cinnamon, being far more skilled and agile, dodged Jaden’s attack.

Artist's Interpretation
Artist’s Interpretation

Understandably, the group was a little agitated. After a stern talking to they decided to leave Jaden in the tavern while the rest went on a shopping excursion. Sitting in the back of the tavern sitting alone…Jaden started masturbating.

In another part of town the rest of the group picked out some sweet digs for Elephant. After a trip to the camping store to buy a few more supplies, the group set out for Phandalin. In what was sure to prove a bad decision, Jaden was given the reigns of the cart. After a few uneventful days traveling down the High Road, the group made it to the Triboar Trail, the main road leading to Phandalin.

Here's a freaking map
Here’s a map

The Triboar Trail has a history spanning back millennia. In the olden days the Dwarves used it to transport the precious minerals they had mined in the Sword Mountains. Eventually the mines fell to ruin, the dwarves abandoned them, and the secrets held inside were lost to time. Later human settlers used the Triboar Trail to settle the desolate lands north of the Sword Mountains. And in the present day it is being used by five idiots to carry supplies for a new expedition into the ruins held deep within the ancient hills. The trail is narrow and banked by dense brush on either side.

After a few loathsome hours listening to Elephant rattle on about his elephantiasis, the crew came to a sudden stop. Two dead horses lay strewn across the trail not 50 feet ahead of them.Fearing the worst, Elephant jumped out of the cart and ran to the scene. No sooner had he gotten there when a single black arrow flew through the sky piercing Elephants right knee, immobilizing him. The pain was too much to bear and Elephant was knocked unconscious.

Artist's Interpretation
Artist’s Interpretation

Carlos quickly jumped out of the cart, shield raised, and ran to Elephant’s side. Meanwhile Atlas sprinted off to the right and took cover in the trees, looking for a sign of their attackers. Cinnamon jumped up, casting Hands of Light, hoping to reveal the hidden foes to no avail. And Jaden, well he just started masturbating. Suddenly another volley of arrows flew through the sky, one grazing Carlos’s right arm, and another two lodging themselves in his shield.

Summoning all of his strength Carlos picked up Elephant and dragged him back to the cart. Once there Cinnamon help put him in the cart and began using his magic to heal Elephant’s mortal wounds.  While Cinnamon and Carlos were busy tending to Elephant, Jaden spotted a pair of Goblins with their weapons drawn, hiding in the bushes to the right of the trail less than 20 feet in front of Atlas. Jaden called to his companion, warning him of the impending danger. Atlas quickly pulled out his bow and feathered an arrow. He let the arrow fly, and the arrow flew straight and true. It pierced clean through the closest goblin’s skull and continued onwards, striking the second goblin through the eye, killing both instantly.

Elephant woke up startled and confused. After a moment to gather himself he was soon back in the fight. With their companion’s wounds healed Cinnamon and Carlos began searching the brush for signs of additional goblins. Without warning, Cinnamon became consumed by a mystical spirit. His eyes began to glow and before him lay the entire universe. He could see all that ever was or would ever be. In the distance off to the right he could see a pair of goblins with their weapons trained on the cart.

In a hurry Cinnamon and Carlos ran into the brush to confront the remaining goblins. Elephant cast Magic Missile, striking one of the goblins singing his arm. With the goblins near him dealt with, Atlas began running towards the remaining group. With most of the group distracted, Jaden saw this as his opportunity to abscond with the cart. Grabbing the reigns he commanded the oxen to charge forward headlong. Seeing Jaden’s betrayal, and still being in the cart, Elephant tackled Jaden knocking him out of the cart, leaving him unconscious and laying on the ground.

Meanwhile Carlos and Cinnamon reached the final two goblins. Cinnamon began casting ray of frost, flinging beams of ice hurtling towards the goblins. Carlos charged the fiends, striking the nearest one with his longsword, killing him instantly. Sensing his impending defeat, the final goblin set off running. Atlas, Cinnamon and Carlos followed after him. The goblin dodged ray of frost after ray of frost, as well as the occasional arrow. The chase went on for some time, until Cinnamon cast a nasty bolt of frost, freezing the beast solid.

With the beast subdued, they dragged him back to the cart. They then tied the goblin to the traitor Jaden, so that neither could escape. And there they stood, huddled around the two unconscious masses, discussing what to do.

It is there that we will have to leave our intrepid heroes because I’m already at 1,500 words, and I have a plane to catch. Let me know if you guys liked this piece and it might become a regular series.

Will the group forgive Jaden’s betrayal? Or will they exile him to certain death? Tune in next time to find out!

I spent a lot of time in photoshop
I spent a lot of time in photoshop