Tomb Raiding

Deep in the heart of Ireland lies an ancient secret, a mystery like no other. More infamous than the map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, more tightly hidden than the Holy Grail underneath the streets of Paris, it’s knowledge lost to the annals of time. Every few years a great adventurer will journey in search of the mighty ruin, only to return mangled and deceased. That is…until I showed up.

[play for full effect]
[play for full effect]
After arriving in Ireland I made my way to a secluded town on the banks of the Shannon: Thomond Village. It is there that I prepared myself for the adventure ahead. I spend many days gathering supplies and what little information I could find. I had to be careful though, lest I attract any unwanted attention. I did my best to blend in with the locals, but one man buying that much camping equipment is sure to draw a lot of attention.

Nazi Attention
Nazi Attention

Yes, they were on to me. It is said that the mystical Tower holds within it great power. Immortality, heightened intelligence, fire breathing, your usual set of supernatural powers, but more importantly, it is said that the power to revive those who have died may be found within the Tower’s secret walls. There was no doubt in my mind that the Nazis wished to harness that power to resurrect their fallen führer. But I wasn’t going to let that happen.

I was going to have to punch Hitler right in his stupid face
I was going to have to punch Hitler right in his stupid face

I couldn’t risk being discovered by Nazis, so I grabbed my pack and set out as quickly as I could. My meager rations would have to do. I followed the road until I had come to the mighty banks of the River Shannon. The river ran through a massive chasm which staggered the mind, in terms of both depth and girth. It was clear there would be no passage across, and so I set off along the banks of the river in search of a bridge. Suddenly there was a rustling in the trees. I quickly dove into the bushes in the hopes of dodging my pursuer. I sat in that spot for many hours. Arising from the brush I spotted a small bird. We exchanged pleasantries and I continued on my way.

His name was Derek, and he was a really nice chap.
His name was Derek, and he was really nice.

After some time I found a bridge to cross. It looked a little raggedy, but I was confident it would support my weight. Not wanting to spend anymore time on that bridge than I had to, I quickly scurried across. But before I had made it to the other side a platoon of Nazis burst through the trees. My cover had been blown! Summoning all my strength I began to sprint full speed across the bridge as bullets flew overhead.

"DODGED IT!"
“DODGED IT!”

 

It was clear the Nazis wanted me dead lest I destroy the secrets of the hidden tower before they could resurrect their master. Just before I had reached the other side, a Tiger Tank smashed its way through the underbrush and took up position along side the infantrymen. My time had officially ran out. With one last push I dove.

Like some kind of badass
Like some kind of badass

As I flew through the air, the tank let out a might roar, my face filled with fire and ash. Through a cloud of dirt I could see the bridge falling out from under me. I stretched out my arm, and with the last of my strength, I grabbed the ledge and held on for dear life. But just as I had thought myself saved, the ledge gave way.

Plunging into the frigid water, I could feel my consciousness slipping away. I could hear movement up above. The Nazis were leaving, apparently believing I had died. Probably a good assessment by the way things looked, but luckily for me, it was wrong one.

lol, noob
lol, noob

I awoke some time later, my pack stuck on a fallen tree. I pulled myself ashore and looked to see what I had left. Luckily my pack was still intact, however I couldn’t say the same for my navigational equipment. So much for technology, if I was going to find this place, I was going to have to do it the old fashioned way. By this time it was getting dark, so I grabbed a bite to eat from my remaining rations, and fashioned myself a torch.

And I don't mean the British kind
And I don’t mean the British kind

With my torch in one hand and a machete in the other I began to make my way through the vegetation in search of any landmarks that would give away my position. Finally I stumbled upon a dirt path, judging by its distance from the river it must have been the path I was searching for originally. I began heading down the trail, constantly surveying my surroundings for Nazi activity. If I had managed to find this path, surely they must have too.

They may have bad aim, but they're not stupid
They may have bad aim, but they’re not stupid

I walked for what felt like days. With each step I took to trail seemed to get longer. Eventually my legs gave out. I fell to the ground unable to go any further. “I can’t do it!” I cried. The hidden tower had won. Sitting up, I extinguished my torch and sat in silence. “Was this really how it all ends,” I thought to myself, “sitting against a tree unable to walk, my name added to the long list of adventures who have tried and failed to find the secrets of the hidden tower?”

IMG_1980
Come on, look at that face. You don’t want to kill off that face!

Just as I had about given up hope, I felt something. I couldn’t quite place it, it felt like a whisper, like light breeze pulling on my sleeve. I looked over and saw it, the greatest sight I had ever seen. A dark hole had emerged in the wall beside me.

And what a glorious hole it was
And what a glorious hole it was

A rush of euphoria consumed me. I had found it! I had finally found it! All of my work, all of my studies, my countless hours of research, it had all payed off. One final burst of adrenaline pushed me to my feet, as I stepped through the mysterious passage. It felt like stepping into another world. The air seemed crisper, the sky seemed brighter, and my shoulders seemed lighter. I slowly navigated the labyrinth of ruins, until It lay before me: The Hidden Tower itself!

IMG_1985
Naturally, I went and took a selfie in front of it

I rushed to find the entrance, but there was none to be found. “Ah! A classic hidden tower puzzle,” I said to myself, “those ancient people sure do love their puzzles.” I grabbed my machete and slit my hand. Feeling energized I began rubbing blood all over the base of the tower hopping to reveal some mystic runes. “Welp, that was a dead end,” I said to myself, somewhat disheartened that the tower did not accept my blood sacrifice. Reaching into my pack, I retrieved a bandage and began wrapping my injured palm. “Oh, there’s a door right there,” I said to myself, feeling proud to have solved such an elaborate ancient puzzle.

Now those are some mystic runes
Now those are some mystic runes

Began to ascend the tower, climbing up and up, around and around it’s spiral stairs. As I was nearing the top, I stopped dead in my tracks. A large piece of the stairs was missing, no doubt a test of strength designed to weed out the unworthy adventurers in its midst. As I look at the treacherous abyss below, there was only one thing going through my mind.

Spreading my arms wide as an eagle, I flew across the gap. Seconds later I heard the sweet thump of my shoes against the stone stairs. I had made it, I passed the test.

I jumped the shit out of that gap
I jumped the shit out of that gap

Confident that I had passed all of the pre-requisites for reaching the top I continued upward. The steps kept coming, but still I journeyed on, nothing could stop me now, not Nazis, not exhaustion, not even questionable structural integrity could stop me from reaching the top.

Seriously, there were a lot of steps
Seriously, there were a lot of steps

Finally a light emerged before me, my quest was almost complete.

The obligatory light at the end of the tunnel
The obligatory light at the end of the tunnel

As I stepped out on the precipice of that infamous tower, I saw the entirety of the world laid out before me, past, present and future. I saw the paths of battles fought long ago, and the hardships of those to come. As I stood in awe at the world spinning around me, a mighty voice came down from above.

“So you have passed the ancient test, you have reached the highest hill, I ask of thee, do like what you see adventurer?”

It was pretty exciting
It was pretty exciting

“Meh, it’s alright,” I replied. “Alright?!” the mystical being cried in disbelief, “I’ve shown you the future! I’ve shared with you all the knowledge of the world, and you just think it’s alright?!Looking back at him I said, “Well it’s a bit dramatic and all innit? What with all the killing and what not.” “Of course it’s dramatic,” replied the being, getting angrier every moment, “it’s the future of humanity! It is your destiny, the folly of man waging war against fellow man! It’s supposed to be tragic!” I replied, “I don’t know it’s a bit much is all.” “What do you want from me? Do you want to fly? I can make you fly,” the being said. “Nah, then I have to go out and buy a parachute,” I replied, “Honestly I think I’m already pretty badass.”

He did not like that bit at all.
He did not like that bit at all.

Suddenly a voice came from behind me, “So you sink you can escape zee third reich, ya?” It was none other than Robo-Heinrich Himmler. Looking back at the mystical being I said, “Really? You couldn’t have warned me?” And with an anti-climactic poof the being was gone. “Surrender, vee have you surrounded,” said robo-himmler menacingly pointing his gun at me. “I thought you died in Lüneburg?” I said, taken aback by his robotic limbs. “Never underestimate German Engineering,” he replied, “Soon mine führer shall be alive and well!” Looking back at him I replied, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.” “Zen you vill die,” he replied. “Not today,” I said. Summoning the might of a thousand soaring eagles I jumped into the air, doing a double backflip off the top of the tower. As I flew through the air I pulled out my revolver and said, “Say hello to Hitler for me, IN HELL!” shooting him right in the robobrain. As he fell to the ground I pulled my detonator and set off the explosives I had hidden at the base of the tower. The blast was immense, and soon the ruins fell to the ground.

imagine this, but I'm doing a backflip 300 feet above the ground
Imagine this, but doing a backflip 300 feet above the ground

Pulling my parachute, I landed safely on the ground. As I walked back out the wall through which I had come, the Earth began to shake, and the entire complex sank into the Earth until nothing remained but a large chasm. “My work here is done”

I put on my sunglasses and headed off to find the next adventure.

The End
The End

 

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