Thoughts on the Apple Watch

Let’s get topical! The Apple Watch comes out soon, and the hype is downright tangible. Everyone is waiting to see if the Apple Watch will end up just like every other Apple product in the past 20 years (that is, stupidly successful). I’ve got a few impressions, but right off the bat let me just say, it’s no Pipboy 3000

It's nuclear apocalypse approved!
Pipboy 3000:  Nuclear Apocalypse Approved!

The Apple Watch does lots of stuff, it does notifications, it tracks your exercise statistics, it has Apple Pay so you can buy stuff, it has siri, it can make calls, oh and it’s a watch or whatever.

Are you sure this thing can tell time?
Time is such a 20th century construct

Of all of it’s functionality the two big selling points are notifications and health features. Notifications makes the most sense, because whenever my phone buzzes I always think to myself, “if only this was on a tiny screen mounted to my wrist!” They have a point though, reaching into your pocket is hard, whereas staring at that giant protrusion you call an arm is easy! The health sensors are actually fairly legit. The watch will continuously monitor your activity throughout the day, which is pretty handy, and it will even tell you when you’ve been sitting around staring at buzzfeed all day.

"Can confirm, this person is still alive."
“Can confirm, this person is still alive.”

There are a few weird things about the Watch. It has a notification center as well as a glances feature, neither of which I can tell apart. It also has a physical button who’s sole function is bringing up the “chat with other Apple Watches” screen. Seems like a waste of a button to me but whatever. There’s also a bunch of other little oddities that you would expect from a first generation device like the Apple Watch. And if the reviews are any indication there’s quite a bit of a learning curve, which again, doesn’t surprise me considering this is one of the first devices of its kind. I would also mention that you have to connect your Apple Watch to an iPhone in order to use it, but if you’re thinking of buying an Apple Watch then you already have an iPhone.

"I'm waiting for the Apple Watch that comes with a life-size Captain Kirk impersonator"
“I’m waiting for the Apple Watch that comes with a life-size Star Trek impersonator”

The worst part about the Apple Watch though, is the number of freaking options. In a major divergence from Apple’s style the Watch comes in two different sizes, three different models, and like 20 different bands ranging from a palrty $350 to $10,000. Quite the price differential there.

Seriously what happened to just having one version of a device?
Seriously what happened to just having one version of a device?

Also if I may digress for a moment. I don’t see what the big fuss is about the gold. Ever since the iPhone 5s Apple has started making everything gold for some reason. The watch I kind of get, because gold watches are already a thing, but I don’t understand the gold iPhone and the gold macbook and the gold iPad. Frankly it looks tacky to me, but anyways back to the Apple Watch.

I legitimately laughed out loud when I saw the reveal.
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.

In all honesty there is no reason to buy an Apple Watch. The iPhone in your pocket has all of the functionality of the watch and more (most notably a screen larger than your index finger). The health sensors are nice, but largely unnecessary. Notifications all the time everywhere are annoying enough as it is. And my $20 Timex does a more than satisfactory job telling the time.

ANALOG BITCH!
ANALOG BITCH!

That being said, I reeeeeally want an Apple Watch. That thing is damn sexy. And that’s why you’re going to buy it. It doesn’t so much matter how useful it is, or how convenient it is to have all the crap that’s on you’re phone 6 inches closer to your face, it’s the coolness factor that counts. Having a tiny computer on your wrist is like living out every sci-fi fantasy ever. And frankly, anything that brings me one step closer to being a Power Ranger is something I desperately want.

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