Prank War

Pranks are an integral part of the college experience. From water ballooning the dean to drugging Pliny the Elder’s wine, prospective college students have been pulling hilarious pranks since before the 2nd century BC! And so it should come as no surprise that I join you tonight in the midst of a brutal prank war.

sorry, I couldn't resist
sorry, I couldn’t resist

The story began innocently enough, before moving in our RA had put a cute little sign on the door of our apartment that had an xkcd comic and four little stick figures each with our name on it. Well one day I returned to find said sign had been tampered with, moreover, someone had moved the guy with my name on it. Not one to let these kinds of transgressions stand, I promptly placed my stickman back in his spot and began plotting my revenge. There was clearly only one culprit…

“DESTOROYAH!!!!!!”                                                              “um, no”

…my roommate (who shall hitherto be referred to as dickface). So I got out my stapler and started stapling everything in dickface’s room that was stable-worthy (i.e. not important). He retaliated by completely decapitating my stick figure, hiding my keys, and throwing my pens and pencils all over the place. I tried to get I’m back by rigging his drawers so that they wouldn’t shut all the way, but sadly my popsicle-stick-and-glue contraption fell apart almost immediately. Dickface then went on to rig the sink so that anyone who turned it on got a face full of water.

“Ew tap water?! Bloody plebeian”

It worked, if you can call “making our entire apartment soaking wet” working, plus he managed to forget about his little set up and sprayed himself in the face too, so I’m counting that as a point for Matt. We’ve gone back and forth a few more times, and now it is once again my turn. The problem is finding the perfect prank. You want an optimal mix of silly and embarrassing, without being overly destructive, or exciting genuine rage.

“but that’s the whole point”


Finding that sweet spot is hard. All my ideas are either really lame like, “maybe I’ll go in his room and put little stacks of pennies everywhere. Oh my god it’ll be so hilarious, everywhere he goes he’ll be stepping on pennies!” Or they go too far. “I’ll lock him in his room so he can’t get out, then SET IT ON FIRE.”

“Say what now?”


I think we can all agree…that would be bad. A good prank war is a good bonding experience, but once somebody crosses the unspoken “line” it just a downward spiral into fisticuffs. I also don’t want my prank backfiring on me like Dickface’s little water experiment. I had considered hiding some smelly/rotting food in his air vent, but whatever stank was generated in his room would probably find it’s way to mine, and to the rest of the apartment which would be bad. I don’t know maybe I’ll just disassemble his bed and hide all the screws in [redacted].