Damn You Twitter

Social Media has gone too far. Look, Facebook and Twitter are great for talking to friends, and whatnot, but it’s all gotten out of hand. For one people now think that @xxxSexFaXxxx is an acceptable place to get their news from, but more importantly, there are some things I just don’t want to know about people.

Hüsker Dü knows what I’m talking about

Really it just comes down to the old case of too much information. Something about the relative anonymity of the internet makes people think it is socially acceptable to just reveal every disgusting detail about their personal lives. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to read about your porn habits on my twitter feed. I’m glad you like the missionary position, BUT I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

I wonder what that could be?
I wonder what that could be?

These are my friends, people I interact with all the time, but now every time I see Brian I can’t help but think, “oh,  he really doesn’t like butt stuff!” No no no no no no no no! I don’t need a read out of your entire sexual history (although it does provide ample opportunity for anal puns)! I don’t mean to sound like a prude, but when did that become socially acceptable?!

"Actually it started a long time ago during the anthr-" "NOBODY CARES"
“Actually it started a long time ago during the anthr-“

Honestly if I were designing Facebook it would have three entries: name, relationship status and favorite small-time college-centric internet blog featuring a young up and coming writer. And THAT’S IT! I don’t need to know what your favorite type of weed is, I don’t need to know what your favorite place to eat pussy is, I don’t need to know your favorite surface to masturbate onto, I don’t need to know where your secret hideaway is, the one in the tree with the special ladder and the unicorn that only you know about, because if anyone else were to find out about it, it would tear open a rift in the time-space continuum that would threaten to destroy the entire multiverse…or something. I DON’T NEED TO KNOW! All I want to see when I go on twitter is low-grade comedians desperately trying to be relevant, and Neil Degrasse Tyson just…being awesome.

And Lo, the great one declared, "All is Well", and it was.
Tyson 3:16- “And Lo, the great one declared, ‘All is Well’, and it was.”

If I want to see some T-and-A, I will see some gatdamn T-and-A, I don’t need Twitter polluting my feed with, “hey! here’s what your friends like to jack off to!” NO! Bad Twitter! I wish we could go back to the days when all people posted on social media was bad rap lyrics. Those were the days!

You made Mr. T cry

So I ask you, from the bottom of my heart, please, pleeeeease, stop broadcasting every intimate and highly disgusting detail of your personal life for all to see. Some things I just don’t want to know.

Plus you're totally out competing my tweets
Plus you’re totally out competing all my awesome tweets