Superbowl Special

As I’m sure you’re well aware, the Superbowl is this weekend (unless you’re one of my international readers, in which case, hi!), and naturally it’s all anyone has been talking about. Screw the wars and global warming and crap that’s going on, the Superbowl is this weekend god damnit! And yes, unlike everyone else I’m not afraid to call it the Superbowl, I’m not going to pussy out and call it “the big game”. Come at me NFL.

You’re legions lawyers and obscene copyright rules don’t scare me!

Anyways what were we talking about? Ah yes, there’s a lot of weird hooplah surrounding the Super Bowl. The worst of which has to be about the commercials. Oh god the commercials. They’re not even that good honestly. It’s the same thing every year: talking baby, doritos ad, Danica Patrick takes her clothes off.

Please, keep them on
Please, keep them on

And now people are just releasing they’re commercials a week ahead of time. So, like….doesn’t that ruin the point. I mean I get that you blew half your marketing budget on one single 30 second spot, so you want to maximize exposure, but it’s not really a Super Bowl commercial at that point. Really all your doing by adding the pre-fix “big game commercial” is alerting the audience that you just spent a stupid amount of money on a dumb ad.

aren’t you guys all like 12 by now?

Whatever, in the end it’s all about the match-up: Seahawks vs Patriots. And you couldn’t have a better east-west matchup if it was the Sharks and the Jets.

Wait…that wasn’t about football?

And I’m not talking about the football teams either. I’m talking about these guys.

American Patriot (circa 1776)
Seahawk (Osprey)

Now both of these teams look fairly evenly matched on paper, but as we all know, 22-person gladitorial fights to the death aren’t played on paper. Both of these opponents have important strengths. In terms of raw agility, the Seahawks (colloquially known as osprey) have the Patriots beat. Seahawks are smaller, lighter, and because they can take to the air, they can maneuver with virtually no interference from the patriots stuck on the ground.

On offense I’m giving the advantage to the Patriots. Their 18th century muskets just have so much more range than anything the Seahawks can manage. The Seahawks’ reliance on air power also leaves them very exposed, something which the Patriots are sure to exploit. I should say however, never underestimate those talons.

They’ll get ya’

This matchup is sure to make for a tight game, but I think I’m going to give it to the Seahawks. While the Patriots have a clear range advantage, the Seahawks are just too nimble. Those muskets are famously inaccurate, and take ages to reload, all that is going to give the Seahawks plenty of opportunities to make some very critical moves. No matter what it’s sure to be a close fight. Unless…

Unless we’re talking about military hardware. Tee-hee-hee

Patriot Missile Battery
Patriot Missile Battery
Sh-60 Seahawk

Just like in the first match the Seahawk has a distinct agility advantage. VTOL functionality give is an unparalleled level of maneuverability. In addition the Seahawk is capable of carrying a wide range of payloads and armaments. Once again, however, the Patriot has the range advantage. And in terms of power, nothing can beat the Patriot Missile Battery. So who will win?

The Patriot, every single time. The Seahawk is great, but the Patriot is a Surface-to-Air Missile Battery. It’s sole purpose in life is destroying the Seahawk.

So I guess that settles it. Sorry Seattle, the Patriots are winning the Superbowl.