Matt Watches Frozen

Last year Frozen rocketed to the top of the box office. It was what you’d call a cultural phenomenon. Everyone on the planet was singing “Let It Go”, blogging about how much they loved Elsa or whatever her name is and saying something about female empowerment, not that I could hear over all the shrieking renditions of “Let It Go”. A year later it’s time to participate in the now outdated cultural phenomenon, and I thought I’d bring you along with me. So let’s go watch Frozen!

Even though “Fashionably Late” was like 8 months ago.

(I should probably mention there will be spoilers ahead. I wouldn’t say anything since it’s a dumb Disney movie, but people are crazy about the whole “no spoilers thing” so I thought I’d bring it up. Although you’d figure it’d be pretty obvious given the title of the article, but whatever I digress)

Anyways here we go, for real this time:

Hmm, all this chanting reminds me of something, but I can’t quite remember what…

Maybe it was a better movie

Nice to see it’s bring your kid to work while we sit/narrate everything today.

How are those kids playing in the snow like that, I can’t build even  a single snowball without my hands freezing solid, let alone jump from pile of snow to ever bigger pile of snow. Also shout out to Pre-K parkour.

Oh so we’re just jumping right in to the magic trolls and crap, well alright.

Why they aren’t using Elsa’s powers to like conquer some enemies, or colonize some indigenous peoples is totally lost on me. This movie would be infinitely better if it featured an army of snow monsters.

Ok I’ll admit it, this “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” number is cute AF.

Are they singing because that’s how it works in the Disney Universe, or is it because they’re both senile

Ok I think definitely see why people like this movie.

Well that escalated quickly

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, if you have the power to control the state of matter of any substance, especially water, barring a good asswhooping courtesy of Thanos himself, you are, essentially unstoppable.

No not the Fjord!


30 minutes seems a little early to be playing your best song. Surely there’ll be a reprise later, otherwise why bother watching the rest.

Sorry everyone, Anna died of hypothermia about 10 minutes ago, the rest of this movie is just a hallucination.


Why does anyone ever stop when they see something in the dark. It’s never good, no one ever stops in the middle of the night and finds like a candy bar.

Haha! It’s funny cuz the snowman is suicidal!

Correction: most people who disappear into the mountains want to be serial killers.

Deus Ex Olaf am I right?

Clearly if Elsa managed to build an intricate snow fortress she can control her powers enough to not murder everyone instantly.

Now this is what I’m talking about!


It wouldn’t be a Disney movie if the answer to the every problem wasn’t “true love”.

Can someone explain to me why the magic trolls just tried to bury Anna and Christoph?


OOOOOOOH SNAP! You just got played!

I mean a good old fashioned coup d’etat would have sufficed, but I guess that was a pretty good plan too.

Did you really think you could kill the lady with snow powers.

You know it’s getting serious when they kill off the comic relief character.

Hey if it’s any consolation, your dead sister would totes make a dope-ass statue.

And the twist ending! It turns out the sisters’ love was truest of all! An ending noooo one saw coming at all.

Aww it’s cute because they’re both awkward.

In reality Frozen would have just been an hour and a half of people falling on their asses because of all the ice.

Final Thoughts:

Meh, yeah it was cute. I understand what all the fuss is about, blah blah female empowerment, blah blah, be yourself, blah blah. Yes all well and good. I’d give Disney props if they hadn’t already done that with Mulan.

A far superior movie

Overall I will say I generally enjoyed Frozen. It wasn’t the best Disney film, nor was it the best film of 2013, but it was good, which is especially impressive for a 90 minute music video for “Let it Go”. On a scale of 1 to  Awesome, I give frozen a solid applesauce (Pretty darn good).

On the Seventh day of Matt’s Vaguely Religious Winter-Themed Festivities my true love gave to me

7 Magazine subscriptions

oh man, Logistics?! My favorite!
oh man, Logistics?! My favorite!