Ah the Holidays. A time of happiness and cheer. When we gather in our homes to celebrate the simple things like the Nintendo 64
Everyone has holiday traditions that they hold dear. From the annual spiking of the Eggnog, to the playful murder of the uncle having way too much fun with the mistletoe. And if you don’t mind I’d like to share a few of the holiday traditions that I hold most dear.
It all starts with the Christmas Specials. My siblings and I gather round the old ray tube and watch to see what silly antics Frosty the Snowman has gotten himself into this year. Sadly though, he never seems to go on any rampages, what a disappointing snow monster. My favorite special is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nothing says holiday cheer quite like a good heist movie. Although I will say Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a close second, for obvious reasons.
Usually around that time Hanukkah has started so we sing Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel in celebration. To be clear we’re not Jewish, we just really like the Dreidel song.
Of course then there’s the annual decorating of the Christmas Tree. As per tradition my family likes to wait until 10pm on christmas eve eve to remember that we still haven’t gotten a tree, only to scramble around town to find the one guy who’s still selling trees. After finding the tree salesman who is least likely to axe murder us, we grab the best looking pine and spend 30 minutes sitting there freezing to death while my dad ties it to the roof (he’s an Eagle Scout so he’s very particular about his knots). Usually by the time we get home we’re all too tired/cold so we throw the tree carcass in the garage and wait until the next day to put it up.
Come Christmas Eve we play the world’s most elaborate game of Tetris, as we slowly and methodically move/rotate all of our furniture so as to fit the morbidly obese tree into our house. After sweeping the approximately 35 trillion pine needles that have inevitably littered the floor, we set about decorating the damn thing. I always want to decorate the tree with the corpses of my fallen enemies, but someone always vetos that idea, so instead we just use the lame old ornaments.
By that time it’s usually about 6 pm Christmas Eve, so we have some dinner and go to church because like Jesus or whatever. When we get home my mother naturally demands a picture of me and my siblings, which has spawned the tradition of the awful christmas eve photoshoot, because no matter how many times I tell her to just press the button, she always has to fuss with the camera.
After the ordeal we grab our Christmas jam-jams and head to bed (mine have polar bears on them). My siblings and I may be grown-ass adults, but we still wake up at 5 am and sprint (ok more like walk quickly) to the living room to see all the presents laid out. And so begins my favorite tradition. Instead of waking up the understandably exhausted parental unit, we camp out on the couch and watch a movie together. We almost always watch something from the Lord of the Rings series, but can never remember what we watched last year so we usually just end up watching the Fellowship of the Ring again.
Usually around 730 or 8 we manage to rouse Mom and Dad, and then it’s Christmas so you know the deal.
On the Sixth Day of Matt’s Vaguely Religious Winter-Themed Festiveies my true love gave to me
6 Bottles of Water