The ABC’s of College

Come and sit my friend, while I tell you a tale. It’s got action, it’s got romance, and a surprising amount of shale. Ok I lied, there isn’t any shale, but come on it’s hard, what rhymes with “tale”?! Quick we’ve much to discuss, so come now my child, although I’ll warn you, this one gets just a tinsy bit wild. So follow along with you finger and thumb, and by the end I assure you’ll feel slightly less dumb.

Into there forrest, where nothing can hurt you! Where trees  are all fuzzy, and there isn't any dog poo
Into there forrest, where nothing can hurt you! Where trees are all fuzzy, and more things rhyme with “you”


A is for Auditorium, where you spend most of your day, grinding and grinding, and grinding away.

B is for Basement, where you destined to live, because it’s better than prison, where you might get the shiv

C is for Cutie, the one who sits behind you, she may not know your name, but what’s a guy to do.

D is for Desk, the one scribbled with words, where that weird kid Derek sits, and eats apples cut into thirds.

E is for Elated, the first time you see breasts.

F is for Failure, your grade on the first test.

Not for lack of trying
You should have sprung for an elephant they always get +3

G is for Gynecology, you major this semester, or was it Optometry, oh, it’s too hard to remember.

H is for Hypochondriac, which you are sure to become, school is hard work you know, and bad for the lungs.

I is for Indigo, the color after blue, although if we’re being honest, they’re basically the same those two.

J is for the Jibblies, what you get when you’re frightened, oh they’re sure to strike, when you guard is least heightened.

K is for Kappa, a letter from Greek.

L is for Loud, the way those Frat dudes speak.

M is for Matthew, the coolest name of all.

N is for Nap Time, a lack of which I appall.

Wait, but Vagina doesn't come until "V"
Wait, but Vagina doesn’t come until “V”

O is for Oh No I’m Screwed! It’s really more of a phrase, the kind that I’m sure you will use.

P is for Procrastination, it requires some effort to say, I’m really not feeling it, can we do this another day?

Q is for Quiet, what you wish your room mate would be, it is 2 in the morning, if you don’t stop I might go on a spree.

R is for Remember, which you are wont to do, lest you take the test and find you haven’t a clue.

S is for Sleep, of which you will lack.

T is for Time, I hope you’ve kept track.

U is for Undergraduate, of which you are one.

V is for Vagina, that’s right, I said vagina Son.

W is for What, in the hell is going on.

X is for X-ray, what you call your friend Shawn.

Y is for Y’all, a phrase that I hate, you talk like a fool, I don’t like that trait.

Z is for Zamboni, you know, very few words start with “z”

Listen to that man as he screams, "Weeeeeeeee!"
Listen to that man, riding along as he screams, “Weeeeeeeee!”

So you’ve heard all my rhymes, from A to Mongoose, and haven’t left once, not even to deuce. I thank you fine sir, or madame or what have you, it means quite a lot, and with that I wish to thee, adieu.