De-Friended

Let’s be honest, how many of your supposed Facebook “friends” do you actually know? And of those 20-30 people, how many of them do you actually talk to? 10? 12? The fact of the matter is yours, mine, and everyone else’s Facebook profiles are saturated with people we hardly know and never plan on talking to. And every now and then you gotta take out the trash…


I’m sorry I like this video way too much.

I’m just like everyone else, I have 420 friends, about 15 of them are my close friends, another 5 are family, probably 50-60 more are people I know/like from high school and the rest may as well be total strangers. It feels nice having all those friends, it makes you feel important. (Comedic value aside) Having all those fake friends doesn’t help you in anyway, no one is impressed by your 400 friend count, no girl is going to stop you on the street and say, “oh my god are you the guy who’s friends with like 20 porn bots?” No, all those fluff friends are serving no purpose, but over inflating your ego. It doesn’t help that it’s always the people you know the least who post the most (#GilmosLaw)

No, no I do not.
Do I know you?

So the question is, how do you go about cutting the fat? Well I follow a simple two prong system

Part 1. Would you wish them a Happy Birthday?

I have a confession to make, I got this one from an NPR podcast. It’s shameful I know, but I just really enjoy listening to the witty banter of Mike and Ian! Anyways the idea is this, everyday when you wake up, and you look at who’s birthday it is you ask yourself a simple question; “would you wish them Happy Birthday”. It doesn’t matter if you do or not, just if you would. If the answer is yes then cool, you’re still friends with Karen from accounting, if the answer is no THEN DEFRIEND THAT HORRIBLE HUMAN GARBAGE!

I always hated you Karen!
I always hated you Karen!

Part 2. Three Strikes you are forcibly removed from my news feed

As stated by the now legendary  Gilmo’s Law the people you know the least on social media, are the ones who talk the most. This comes in very handy when you are weeding out the weird people, because you don’t have to go looking for them, they’ll reveal themselves. All you have to do is institute a  three strikes system and the worst offenders will be gone within a fortnight. Let me give you an example.

Post 800 photos of yourself smoking pot and complaining about “all dem hos” (they never understand): Stirke 1.

Truth be told I keep this guy around for the laughs
Gotta stay hydrated brah!

“Like poach” like a self-centered attention-seeking whore: Strike 2.

Why would you reinforce this despicable behavior
Why would you reinforce this despicable behavior

Complain about your utterly insignificant first world problems as if it’s the most important thing in the world: Ya Dun (that is my impression of a Boston accent. It’s not very good I know).

Why do you own pink jeans?
Why do you own pink jeans?

And just like that 99.9% of the weirdest people you don’t know are gone forever from you “life”. No longer will you have to worry about who can read all you erotic goat fan-fiction.You can finally use Facebook the way it was meant to be used, for talking to your actual friends.

But you may be scared to de-friending people, or maybe you’re skeptical.

I get it, you don’t want to be mean, and what if they find out? Don’t worry not only won’t they find out, they won’t care either, I mean come on you hardly knew them. As I used to whisper in Sam’s ear late at night, “just let it happen”.

 

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