iPhone Withdrawl

For a few horrible hours last week I found myself without a phone, it was a horrifying, harrowing, and down right h-awful ordeal, this is my story.

Get it? Cuz' it's like Law and Order! Oh Matt you are too funny!
Get it? Cuz’ it’s like Law and Order! Oh Matt you are too funny!

So last wednesday Apple released the latest version of their iPhone software, iOS 8. Naturally, being the Apple fan-boy that I am, I had to install the new iOS on my phone as soon as possible. So I grabbed my computer (which I don’t normally do) and headed off to class, and the moment it was released I immediately plugged in my phone and started downloading. The problem were all the other Apple fan-boys, so service was nonexistent at best. After fumbling around for the entirety of my economics class, I left and went to my statics class where the wifi was much better. I finally started downloading, but half way through something happened- iTunes came back and said, “NOPE!” So I was left sitting in Statics with a brick of a phone and no time to do anything about it (class was ending and I had things to do afterwards). And so I put my phone in my backpack, and set about the remainder of my day, and let me just tell you, it was terrifying.

Phase 1: Where’s my Phone? WHERE’S MY PHONE?!

I immediately felt like there was a hole in my pocket. I had become so used to having my phone in the exact same place all the time that suddenly being without it felt very very wrong. It even threw me off balance simply because my phone wasn’t there. I just felt wrong. On top of that I kept reaching down every few seconds to grab my phone, to realize it’s not there, freak out, panic thinking I lost it, and then remember that it was in my backpack. And this isn’t just once this is a couple dozen times over the course of a few minutes. As soon as I got to the end of the cycle I’d reach right back down again and start the whole thing over again. I eventually did get used to not having my phone in my pocket, but that wasn’t until after a very awkward 15-20 minutes.

I don't see how this is helping
I don’t see how this is helping

Phase 2: What if someone tries to call me?!

Let me make something abundantly clear, no one ever calls me, hell I rarely get texts let alone voice calls. I’ll get maybe a dozen notifications every day 10 of them will be spam mail and the other two will be some app that I downloaded a year ago saying, “please come back, I miss you!” I don’t need any of those notifications, and not having my phone for a few hours isn’t going to destroy my social life. In face I can tell you that the only notifications I received while my phone was playing possum were 3 more spam messages that I immediately deleted. Suddenly I was worried I was going to miss out on something, as if hearing a joke 2 hours later makes it any less joke-y. There was a brief moment I was worried that my mother would call me, and would assume I had died when I didn’t pick up the phone. That is until I remembered, uh no! No sane person think assumes the person on the other end has died just because they got their voicemail.

OH GOD HE'S DEAD, TEDDY HE'S DEAD!
OH GOD HE’S DEAD, TEDDY HE’S DEAD!

Phase 3: Welp now I’m bored

The greatest feature of the iPhone or really any smart phone is the ability to kill those awkward seconds you have just laying around. I didn’t realize how much time I spend just standing around doing nothing, because every time I had to wait I would just pull out my phone and play a few rounds of Bejewled. I know what a shame I actually had to wait around for something rather than satiate my unending desire for stimulus. It’s a silly thing to complain about, but I’m just saying the world is really boring. I couldn’t listen to my music either (which I do almost constantly). So I had to bike all the way home WITHOUT being able to listen to all my Alanis Morissette album! Instead I just had to listen to: WOOOSHSHSHOOSHSHSHSOOOSHSHSH (that’s the sound of the wind blowing if you couldn’t tell)!

Phase 4: I’m so totally alone

After recoiling from my fear of missing out, I was then left feeling alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone, not my mom, not my friends, no one. But not just that, I had also become disconnected from the internet!

A Lion King/Peter Pan Mashup- GASP!
A Lion King/Peter Pan Mashup! GASP!

I had lost my life giving pathway to the entirety of human knowledge. What would I do if I needed to look something up? What if I need to know the time? OH GOD WHAT TIME IS IT! AHHHHHHHH ANARCHY!! Luckily I was able to suppress my urge to start throwing things through windows while screaming, “Ron Paul 2012!” But it was tough. I had been violently thrust out in the world, devoid of all the previous comforts of my life, in this awkward new environment, and my nourishing umbilical chord of knowledge had been severed. So I was left kicking and screaming until I finally made it home and fixed my phone in like 2 seconds. But hey, that was a pretty good childbirth analogy you have to admit.

Ok, who did this?!
Ok, who did this?!

 

 

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