College is full of personalities. whether it’s the guy who sits and plays the accordion outside of your dorm at 3 in the morning, or the guy who unicycles to class even though bicycles are clearly the superior mode of transportation. Here’s what your major says about you, (or at least what the stereotypical representation) in part 4 of my multi-part series: “Surviving your first year of College: How not to be brutally humiliated by your peers while retaining as much self-respect as possible: an Insider’s Prospective: What Your Major Says About You.”
We all know why you’re here, and it isn’t the 3-1 student-faculty ratio. You were never really into that whole “school” thing. You spend your time looking to the weekend. You keep LMFAO on your iPod and you firmly believe in the song “Everybody’s Working For the Weekend,” minus that whole “working” bit. You were one of the cool kids in High School and you are intent on continuing the trend. You have an endless supply of cheap booze, and you know a guy who sells roofies. People look down on you just because you like to party, but they just don’t understand your lifestyle.
Let’s be real, you want to make lots and lots of money. You’re smart, motivated, and fully capable of achieving your goals (unlike those losers up above). You love debating, and you are the person who defends statutory rape just because you like the challenge. The term morally reprehensible is irrelevant. You follow in your father’s footsteps and will likely take over his business/firm/government when he retires. You are the best, smartest person who ever lived.
You are a righteous soul at heart (or at the very least that’s what you tell yourself). It has always been your mission in life to help people. You’ve always been a charitable person, you give blood every year, you donate to UNICEF, and you even volunteer at a soup kitchen every other saturday. You recognize the living hell that is your life over the next 10 years, but you are more than willing to make that sacrifice when you can finally help some of dem’ starving kids in Africa you hears so much about. It’s not about the money you say to yourself while standing naked in the Hospital lobby screaming THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
You are incredibly nerdy, even among your nerdy friends you were one of the nerdiest. For some weird reason you actually like math. You have an unhealthy attachment to your legos, or k-nex, or megabucks if you were poor. You have a near-encyclopedic knowledge of useless trivia. People think you are good with computers because you plugged in an ethernet cable one time. Your favorite TV show is Mythbusters, and you think Bill Nye would make a great president.
You have chosen the correct major. Congratulations! You were a smart kid in High School, the kind who looks at rocket science and says, “Yeah, I could do that. I mean I was gonna solve Fermat’s last theorem, but I guess I could go to space.” You like science fiction and explosions. You think space is really cool. You are a white American male. While your friends were off playing Call of Duty and Super Smash Bros, you were in your room “playing” x-plane or Kerbal Space Program. You spend an inordinate amount of time on wikipedia, and know everything there is to know about star-formation. You wish Neil DeGrasse Tyson was your best friend. You will either work for NASA, or build bombs for the highest bidder.
You have no life. You spend the entirety of your existence in front of your computer. You have more friends online than in person. You know more programming languages than actual languages. You are platinum in League of Legends. While the noobs were outside playing basketball and whatnot, you were busy writing an app that has made you one hundred three dollars and sixty two cents. You have hacked no fewer than five mainframes, and more than three databases. You will spend so much time in your dorm room that it will cause your hall mates to speculate that you’ve died. You will get a job at google during your junior year, and spend the rest of your days desperately trying to hide from the California sun.
Hahaha! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh you poor tortured soul.
Economics/Public Policy/International Affairs and the like:
You are going to be president of the World some day, so rather than choose a useful major you picked one that looks good on a resumé. You’re a charming and charismatic person, you were class President all four years of High School after all. People think you’re smart regardless of your actual abilities, and will follow you because while your ideas may lack intelligence they at least sound smart. No matter the situation you always seem to be doing things, and that is because you do everything. There hasn’t been a key club or a glee club you haven’t been the president of. You are the kind of person who participates in International “leadership” programs, which despite their fancy names are just an excuse to travel to Argentina to watch the World Cup (HA!HA!). People may mock your intelligence and choice of major, but it won’t matter in the long run when you’re the one deciding how they’re allowed to keep receiving Welfare.
Aw you’re too cute. In the age of Twitter, blogging, and total disregard for accountability, you still believe in Journalistic integrity. You are strong willed and inquisitive. You believe that one story can change the world. You write a blog where you write about corruption and starvation, and all the other things that are wrong with the world. No one reads your blog except for two of your friends and your Aunt Gracie, even though YOU’D REALLY RATHER IF SHE DIDN’T READ YOUR BLOG. You once held a protest at city hall, no one showed up, but you’re signs were really nice. You will graduate from college ready to take on the world. You will get a job at a national newspaper, where you will be relegated to a lowly/demeaning task, where you will miserably type away hoping to get promoted while your faith in humanity slowly wastes away.
You are a vagabond of academia. You have peered through the vast list of available majors and said, “meh, I don’t know.” And so you drift aimlessly from class to class with no direction. You like learning, but nothing interests you, I mean sure Intro to Religious Studies was cool and all, but it wasn’t something you want to spend your life doing. At some point you’ll probably give up and just become a teacher because the past 6 years have really burnt a hole in your pockets. you’ll move to a small town, and get a nice quiet job at a High School. You’ll take up biking and start growing you’re own garden. You’re life will be happy and pleasant until the day that you literally drown underneath the weight of your student debt.