So you’ve managed to make it this far. You’ve gathered a group of survivors- err…I mean, “friends” and you are slowly making your way through your first year at college. Congratulation…on NOTHING! College is full of surprises, and you have to be prepared for anything that can come your way, so I present to you part 3 of my multi-part series “Surviving your first year of College: How not to be brutally humiliated by your peers while retaining as much self-respect as possible: an Insider’s Prospective: 5 Awkward Moments You’ll Experience in College.”
1) The Moment You Realize What All That Racket is Upstairs
Very early on in your life at college you will begin to notice something. For some reason the person in the dorm room directly above yours is always making quiet a hullabaloo. It seems like every night they take it upon themselves to rearrange all the furniture in their room, with no concern for the people below them. Some time will probably pass, but then one day it will hit you. Those people aren’t moving furniture at all are they. Nope. More than likely they are getting weird, and because those dorm walls are oh so paper thin, you have to hear all of it. Have fun trying to sleep once you make that realization.
2)The Person in the Next Stall Isn’t Pooping
One day you will have to go to the bathroom (as all humans are wont to do), and so you’ll lazily crawl into your nearest lavatory. It’s the weekend and you’re feeling a little risqué, so you make the 10 foot trek in nothing but your favorite pair of trousers (my aren’t you dangerous). You plop down on the can, only to realize, oh man someone’s next to you. You always hate it when someone’s in the next stall, you don’t feel like you have nearly as mu- then you hear it. The most awful sound in the world. The sound that makes every man, woman and child queazy. The sound of projectile vomiting. It will be just as disgusting as it is shocking. You will likely become paralyzed by the shock, which glues you to the seat as you listen to the prime-time drama that is unfolding, just next door. Oh no, Becky had too much to drink, ah she’s vomiting all over the place, we have to call someone, she needs to go to the hospital, shhhh calm down it’s going to be ok, we just need to get her som- yadda yadda yadda. It gets to the point where you’ve been there so long, that you feel like it would be awkward if you left, because then they would realize you had been there the whole time just listening. Just hope that whoever it is, that they’re accurate. Oh and I’d recommend avoiding that particular bathroom for at least the rest of the weekend.
3)The First Time You Meet a Drug Dealer
This particular situation has happened to me multiple times so you could say I’m a bit of an expert. No every single time it has happened a little something like this. I’m walking to class, I got my headphones on, and my best pair of hipster sunglasses. It’s a little cold out so I decided to put on my striped sweatshirt, and I’m feeling rather fly if I do say so myself. Well I’m chuggin’ along trying not to be late when I see this abnormally tall dude kinda standing around looking all confused. Suddenly out of nowhere he stares me down, and I say to myself, “oh great now I have to talk to this idiot.” Before I get too far ahead of myself I should also mention that this is at like 9 o’clock in the morning, who is dealing drugs at 9 o’clock in the morning.
Aaanyways, I assume this guy is lost an he needs directions (and he’s presumably heard tell of my exceptional navigational skills). So I politely remove one of my earbuds, and put on my best, “‘sup”-face. Immediately he says, “hey man nice shirt.” Now this has thrown me off guard. Why thank you, I think to myself, I didn’t realize it was give Matt a compliment day, you my good sir have just brightened my day. At which point he pulls out a box of god knows what, at which point I realize what’s going on. Heeeeey, here I was thinking you were taking a moment to appreciate they flyness of my geddup, but instead you were just trying to solicit my dollar, FOR SHAME. At which point (not having actually said any of this out loud mind you) I scoff and continue on my way to class, a bit rattled having just been tricked by a drug dealer.
4) The First Time You Do Laundry
Doing laundry is a rite of passage for college students. I don’t care how many pairs of pants you brought at some point you will have to make the trek into the dark dank reaches of the laundry room. If you’re lucky you might already know how to do laundry, maybe you had really proactive parents who taught you how to do it BEFORE you went off to school, or maybe you have OCD and insist on doing your own laundry, or maybe your a demon spawn (who knows?! It’s a possibility!). But more likely than not, the first time you try to do laundry will feel like stepping into the cockpit of the Space Shuttle. There’s a million buttons, all of which do different things, you don’t know if socks go with your whites, or with your delicates, but is it really necessary to separate out your delicates, I mean I wouldn’t call those 80 pairs of underwear delicate by any means, I mean they have seen some things, some real bad things. So you’ll probably call your parents about nine times at 2 o’clock in the morning because of course you had to run out of laundry on the day before your first major project is due. And eventually you’ll figure it out with about 15 minutes to go before your first class of the day, oh but you still have to use the dryer, so you’ll stuff them in and come back later, only to find your clothes dry but smelling… eeeewww. But hey at least you have clean(ish) clothes!
5) The First Time You Lock Yourself Out of Your Room
I don’t care how good your memory is, I don’t care how meticulous your are about making sure you have all of your things, I don’t care if you keep your room key taped to the inside of your large intestine (may I just say: Ew, and additionally: Ow), you will lock yourself out of your room, and it will be extraordinarily embarrassing. I know this because that was me when I first got to school (minus that last bit). I was so paranoid that I would lock myself out of my room that I would degrade myself by wearing my keys around on a lanyard like a darn fool, just so I could be absolutely positive I had my keys all the time. And then one night, I went to go brush my teeth, and the moment the door closed I realized my keys were still inside. If you’re lucky you’ll get locked out during the day so you can call the RA and have them open your room, but I wouldn’t count on it. All it takes is one slip up and your sleeping on the couch in the lounge, at least until your roommate gets back, which won’t be until like 4 in the morning because they have the weirdest sleeping habits. I’m just glad I was wearing pants at the time, otherwise things would have been very different.
There is just one more day of August Month of Madness! So get you suggestions in fast to GilmosWorld@gmail.com! Also this is my 200th post! As such I want to thank you guys for braving through 200 weird ill-thought-out word stews, and here’s to another 200!