Man Vs. College

Hello Freshmen and welcome to the college experience. Be warned, college is a formidable place. Your skills, and intelligence will be tested. You will be forced to do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do. However with the proper guidance from me, your resident survivalist, college will be a blast (no promises though). So without further ado, I present part 2 of my multi-part series,  “Surviving your first year of College:  How not to be brutally humiliated by your peers while retaining as much self-respect as possible: an Insider’s Prospective- Man (or Woman)  Vs. College”

Now your initial hours at college are critical. Your first 72 hours in college will be an awkward shmorgishborg of free food and meet-and-greets. You will want to find shelter quickly, lest you be one of those weird kids who doesn’t have any friends, and just sits in his room all-day playing League of Legends. But do not despair (the frats can smell desperation), for college is not a barren wasteland. Just as you have no friends, neither does anyone else. But act quickly, freshmen are fast to form packs, and the longer you wait to join one the harder it will be to gain acceptance.

"Get out of here Steve" "Yeah, no one likes you"
“Get out of here Steve”
“Yeah, no one likes you”

Your next task will be finding food. This period is also very important. If at all possible attend meals while in your pack, going stag while searching for food is far more perilous. If you do find yourself alone, do not panic. Head to the nearest dining hall. Avoid eating everything in sight, having unlimited access to food for the first time may be a bit exciting, but being that kid who grabs 8 plates of food will make you ill (and not just because of the intestinal parasites). Once you have scrounged up a meal you may want to find a new temporary pack, to stave off the horrible effects of loneliness, this is natural, but beware, one wrong move and things could end very badly. Now the temporary pack forming process is steeped in ritual. First and foremost, introduce yourself, the creatures that inhabit the dining halls are usually antsy, this will alert them to your presence and quell their instincts to maul you to death. Secondly, politely ask to join, and maybe do a little paradiddle to make them think you’re a theater major (no one is threatened by theater majors). If all else fails, just go full Animal House.

Eventually you’ll probably have to go to class (imagine that). It can be a scary time, but with a little patience you will get the hang of it pretty quick. Your first year most of your classes will probably be lectures. These are like watering holes of knowledge, where animals of all different shapes, sizes, and [redacted], come to bask (or more accurately pretend to be paying attention while surfing Facebook) in the waters of knowledge. Stay clam and try to blend in with the back. Be sure to get on the good side of your professor, this could mean the difference between survival and death by firing squad. Just don’t be too conspicuous about it, no one likes a kiss ass. Participation is recommended, but again, don’t be too aggressive, or you risk establishing yourself as a threat. And always remember a little bit of camouflage can go a long way.

Bro, you do the stats homework yet?
Bro, you do the stats homework?

With any luck you may just survive College. It won’t be easy, but it is by all means doable. You will be tested, and you will be challenged, but when plans fail, stick to your gut and you’ll be fine, just as long as you don’t eat the meatloaf.

Don’t forget it’s still August Month of Madness. If you have a brilliant idea for a post you’d like me to write, send your suggestions to In addition to receiving my undying appreciation, I’ll give you a free shoutout!

I have Puppy photos!
I have Puppy photos!