How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

As we all know the Zombie Apocalypse is a very real and terrifying threat to the future of humanity. As such it is very important to be prepared for the upcoming plague. Of course the best thing to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse is to be Brad Pitt, but since this is out of the reach of most people, I’ll share with you Gilmo’s Guaranteed Zombie Survival System.

A more accurate title would have been, "Brad Pitt Kills Zombies"
A more accurate title would have been, “Brad Pitt Kills Zombies”

Luckily for you Gilmo’s Guaranteed Zombie Survival System has a cheeky little song that goes with it, written by my good friend John Prine.

Step 1: Blow up your TV

Initially you may say, “but Matt I rather enjoy my Television set, why can’t I keep it?” Because it’s the gatdamn zombie apocalypse that’s why. First thing’s first when the zombies rise from the dead you are going to need to get the hell out of whatever cesspool you are currently inhabiting, blowing up your TV will create a nice distraction that will keep those zombies, or walkers, or, zeds or flesh muffins or whatever the kids are calling them these days, just long enough for you to get your crap together.

DO NOT google search the phrase Flesh Muffin
DO NOT google search the phrase Flesh Muffin

Step 2: Throw Away your Papers

That’s just good housecleaning

Step 3: Move to the Country

Once you’ve created a little distraction and cleaned yourself up a bit, you want to get to the country pronto. Major population centers will quickly become overrun with zombies. The last thing you want is to be staring down the barrel of a fully cocked and loaded zombie horde, that’s a surefire way to get yourself killed. The larger the city, the greater the number of flesh eating assholes who will want to kill you. Additionally stay away from major roadways, they’ll quickly become clogged with other people trying to do the same thing you are, back roads will become your friend.

haha, he said "cocked"
haha, he said “cocked”

Step 4: Build You a Home

Now that you’ve survived the initial wave of zombie infestation it’s time to get yourself settled. You’re going to need a place to sleep and out in the open is a bad place to be what with the zombies and marauding packs of raiders that are sure to form. Build yourself a nice defensible fort that you can call home for the next few months. Set up some barricades and traps to slow down any zombies who should want to disturb your new home. A nice hole with some spikes at the bottom is a surefire way to slow them down, plus then you get to shout, “go die in a hole!” as the undead are brutally mutilated.

Step 5: Plant a little garden

Self-sustainability is going to be your friend. Resources are sure to be in short supply, and scavenging is very dangerous business. So the more food you can make yourself the better.  Try to have a nice mix of both fruits and vegetables, maybe even some nice nuts. It may be the Zombie Apocalypse, but that’s not excuse not to eat healthy.

I'm talking to you Woody Harrelson
I’m talking to you Woody Harrelson

Step: 6: Eat a lot of Peaches

Your biggest enemy in the zombie apocalypse, aside from the zombies, and the marauding raiders, and hypothermia, and dysentary if we’re being quite honest, not to mention cholera, or any number of bacterial infections, oh and of course natural disasters, I mean tornados don’t forming just because there’s zombies around, or really any number of challenges that you’ll face, is malnutrition. Yes, you best be careful lest you end up like the pirates, ugly, cirrhotic and bloody rich…wait, I mean you’ll get scurvy. Having a balanced diet is more important than ever now that you have to be operating at peak performance to evade all those things I just mentioned. You don’t have to eat peaches, pretty much any fruit will do, but be sure to get a lot of them otherwise you could very well lose your teeth, and/or die!

Step 7: Try an Find Jesus, on your own

Apocalypses are trying times, one day you’re relaxing watching your favorite shows, and the next your TV has exploded your living in the middle of nowhere and your battling scurvy (among other things), it can be a lot to take in. If your going to make it out of this in one piece both mentally and physically, you are going to need something to tie you down emotionally, something to believe in. Be it Jesus or Mouhammed or Buddah or DeCartes or even that stupid flying spaghetti monster people are always talking about.

I mean if your into that
I mean if your into that

The key is maintaining your sanity because once your loose your sanity anything could happen, like you could write an entire blog post on how to survive an entirely ludicrous scenario, in a weird semi-serious fashion, and that would just be silly.