So You’re Going Off to College

So you’ve followed my instructions, and gotten into that glorious academic sanctuary most people just call college. You studied hard, you took all the right classes, and you were born into a family with favorable academic ties and adequate financial stability, and it all paid off. I hope you enjoyed your last summer at home, BECAUSE IT IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS EVER AGAIN. I’m just kidding (mostly) you’ll see them again, but then that’s it, you’re done after that. Many people find that the process of packing and preparing for your first year of college can be a stressful experience, well I’m here to help, with part 1 of my multi-part series, “Surviving your first year of College:  How not to be brutally humiliated by your peers while retaining as much self-respect as possible: an Insider’s Prospective.”

No with 75% less sodium!
No with 75% less sodium!

First and foremost you’re going to want to go ahead and burn every last remaining scrap of your High School career. And I mean all of it: notebooks, binders, papers, AP scores, diploma, all of it, although you can keep a few pencils, they’re good for fishing out all the junk that gets stuck under your desk, you know the stuff that’s just barely out of reach, but that you could totally get if your arms were just a hair longer. If you’ve already done this you can…burn down the school I guess, it’s not like you’re going to be needing it anymore.

"Aww damnit, I forgot my pencil in there"
“Aww damnit, I forgot my pencil in there”

Now that you’ve successfully burned the last remnants of your life for the past four years, it’s time to start preparing for orientation. For those of you who don’t know Orientation is a multi-day program in which current students guide you around campus to show you all the cool places where you’re going to be passing out for the next four years. Orientation is a prime time to get you social juices flowing and start making new friends so be sure to talk to everyone you meet, especially emphasizing how easy it was for you to get accepted, and all the ways in which you are amazing. You’re only going to have this opportunity once, so be sure to ask as many questions as possible such as: “Why does the Student Center only have two Taco Bells?” “What is campus policy regarding robot uprisings?” and “Why is the Library full of all that kindling?”

Hey, Don't look at me, they were asking for it.
Hey, Don’t look at me, they were asking for it.

Usually towards the end of Orientation is class registration. Now your first year is probably going to be polluted by a bunch of dumb requirement classes. Try you best to fit in as many fluff classes as possible. For every Calc 2 or Physics 1 you have, you should have at  least one “Philosiphies of the Woodland Format” classes in there. Also if at all possible, schedule all your classes in the afternoon, I can tell you from experience that waking up at 10 o’clock every day is splendiferous. Most importantly, don’t over think it. If you spend more than an hour and a half (and that’s pushing it) to figure out your schedule, you’re one of those people. Just go with whatever you got, and worst case scenario you drop a few classes, who cares, it’s college, not prison.

Unless of course it's prison college
Unless of course it’s prison college

Lastly comes that fateful day, when the summer has run its course, and the first day of school is almost at hand. But then the question arises, “what do you pack?” Let’s start with the basics. Don’t overpack, if you find yourself trying to stuff an entire dinette set into your bag/car then you have a problem (namely that you picked the wrong showcase on The Price is Right). Secondly, bring as many pairs of underwear as possible. Seriously, I don’t want to smell you stank, change you gatdamn underwear. Thirdly, bring a chair, my ass still hurts from the one the school gave me. Fourthly, don’t bring your video games (FIFA and Smash Bros not withstanding), unless you want to be the guy who never goes outside because he’s always playing Company of Heroes, it can stay behind. Fifthly, bring extension chords, power management is key in dorms these days, and nothing is more annoying than a roommate who keeps running out of outlets.

If you follow my instructions move in day will be a breeze. Stay tuned for part 2 of my multi-part series:  “Surviving your first year of College:  How not to be brutally humiliated by your peers while retaining as much self-respect as possible: an Insider’s Prospective.”