The Real Guitar Hero

In the way long ago, back in ye olde days of middle school, my friends and I were sitting in Band Class. As usual we were chillin’ in the trumpet section (because we played the trumpet and that was where we always sat), overall it was a pretty average day. We were blaring and toot tooting along some horrible piece of music until our teacher/conductor/sound effects guy Mr. Grippo, or Big G’s (as no one called him)

[Visual Approximation]
[Visual Approximation]
He stopped everyone, and started yelling at one of the sections. I don’t entirely remember which one it was, although it couldn’t have been the trumpet section, we were perfect. It was probably the Flutes, those guys are assholes.

Yeah, just keep on...blowing
Yeah, just keep on…blowing

Well anyways, apparently someone wasn’t playing their rhythms right, so he drew a bunch of stuff on the board (that I still don’t fully understand) and yelled, “DO IT LIKE THIS: BEE DOP BOP BEE DOP BOP!” Begrudingly we followed suit, and played the rhythm with all the style and grace of a middle school band when suddenly Principle Dickforbrains walked in (I [surprisingly] have nothing against the man, I just don’t remember his name), and asked, “what’s going on?”  But not in like an accusatory “What’s all this then!” Kind of way, but more of a like fun,”Now it’s a party!” kind of way.

That's not me, but damn do I wish it was
That’s not me, but damn do I wish it was

AAAAnyways, the principle asked what was going on, to which Big G’s kindly responded, in his usual, not sure if crazy kind of way, “we’re playing guitar hero! The real guitar hero! Not that dumb thing with the plastic controller!” And then the principle left.


You’re probably wondering why I told you that story. It was boring, unfunny, and that bit about the flautists was rather mean. No reason, just cuz. Anyways, the real reason for this post is I’ve taken up the guitar, and I want you to know so that I can brag about how much cooler I am than you. Do you know the guitar? Didn’t think so. Come back when you’ve got a real job BRIAN!

You think you're so cool with your boat!
You think you’re so cool with your boat!

It all started a couple of weeks ago (yes! another story) when my good friend and fellow musician (pronounced with a hard “s”) taught me how to play Come As You Are by Nirvanna. Well I mean it started earlier than that, I’ve wanted to play the guitar since like first semester, but I haven’t had the time or the resources until now, back to the story. It wasn’t long before I had the song mastered and I was shredding like a pro. that’s not an exaggeration either, the entire song is only 5 notes.

I now had the sweet fleshy taste of music stuck in my teeth, and I needed more. Sadly though, I don’t own a guitar…but my brother does! So all I had to do was wait for him to come home from Michigan or whatever dumb state he’s teaching in so that I could steal it.

Michigan? More like Dumb...igan
Michigan? More like Dumb…igan

Well he finally came home, and I have been playing some sweet saltry tunes. It is the life my diffuse nondescript audience, it is the life. Literally all I’ve been doing the past few days is waking up, eating some chocolate schwa, playing a few hours of PAYDAY 2, having some lunch gnash, watching Red Vs Blue (three cheers for netflix, am I right?) and then just playing a guitar for like 5 minutes until I quit because my fingers hurt. Seriously, I am like a professional guitar player, I’m like Slash, no I’m better than Slash, I’m like The Edge!

He draws his magical powers from his do-rag
He draws his magical powers from his do-rag

I’m so good in fact I already know like 2 and a half chords! Plus I can almost kind of play the intro to that song Landslide by the Dixie Chicks (lol, I said by the Dixie Chick because it makes Michael angry, it’s actually by Fleetwood Mac! HA!). Seriously guys I’m just waiting until my big break, it’s gonna happen any day now, I already have like 20 views on Youtube, no biggie.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have been staring at that epic sax guy gif for like 45 minutes now so I need to stab my eyes out, here go watch the Dixie Chicks.

Question: Do they still exist? And if so can they not?