College Admissions

Ah, it’s that time of the year again. The time when High School Students across the country obsessively check their inboxes, worry over their inevitable future of menial labor, and make fun of all their friends who are going to UVM next year (I love you Michael). Having already gone through the horrid process I have now reached the fun part, making fun of all the losers who have to go through the same thing. And 2014 is an especially great year to be a spectator seeing as how admissions rates are at all-time lows. Boy oh boy are we gonna have some fun.

I hope you followed my wonderful instructions on how to get in to college, because now it is time to reap the rewards, or more realistically, mourn the fact that no one wanted you. But it’s ok, I’m sure community college will be great for you, I mean it’s a great stepping stone to other things, plus, I mean you didn’t want to be stuck with a bunch of snobby academic types anyways, and you know, plenty of famous people didn’t even go to college, Steve Jobs dropped out of college, so like, all you really need is your big break and then you’ll be set, yeah, it’s totes gonna be awesome.

Anyways, when it comes to college admissions there are three possible outcomes. First and foremost you will notice the assholes in your class who got into every single school they applied to. But you expected that, they’re little miss, I do everything and I’m a genius, I spent a year researching Algae that can clean up oil spills because I’m such a wonderful person, so absolutely no one was surprised by that outcome. Of course they also got accepted early admission so you’ve had to listen to them boast about how amazing Harvard is for the past 6 months, please resist the urge to murder them.

Keep talking and I will bitch slap you into another dimension
Keep talking and I will bitch slap you into another dimension

Outcome number two is the one most people experience (myself included). You will get rejected from upwards of 70% of the schools you applied to (Harvard, Cornell, Northwestern, Carnegie-Mellon, U of M, etc.) but will get accepted to two or three schools that you genuinely liked (Georgia Tech say what?!). Now the third possible outcome is the one everyone fears. There will be about one or two people in you class, and not dumb people either, I’m talking about people in the top 20%, really smart kids, who will get rejected from every single school.  It’s absolutely terrible, and the epitome of everything that is wrong with college admissions, but it will happen, probably not to you, but to someone you know. Don’t fret too much though because they’ll probably be making more money and have way less debt than you in the end .

So to those of you that receive that oh so sweet acceptance letter in the coming weeks (or to those that already have), congratulations, you beat 80 thousand other people with the exact same credentials as you, feel good, you have the world’s most precious resource: luck. And to those of you that find yourselves rejected and dejected, don’t worry, because in 12 months you’ll get to make fun of all those people who are in the same position as you!

HAHAHA YOU GOT REJECTED FORM CLEMSON!
HAHAHA YOU GOT REJECTED FORM CLEMSON!

Oh and if you do happen to find yourself rejected from every single school, keep in mind that there is literally nothing stopping you from just going anyways. The only thing paying for college actually gets you is a little piece of paper and the prestige, the actual learning is free. So Sam I’ll see you in stats on Tuesday.

 

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