The year is 2030 after a tumultuous film career I have retired to my island resort in the South Pacific with my beautiful wife, and badass polar bear sidekick Kevin (in case you missed this here’s the recap). All is happy and quiet until one day in early January 2030…
January 5th 2030- A helicopter with American markings lands at the helipad just outside my island mansion. Curious I approach the helicopter, and out from it steps none other than President Stephen T. Colbert. I graciously welcome him to my home, as he explains to me the crisis.
Colbert: “Sir, we need your help. A highly dangerous terrorist cell in the Philipenes has obtained a highly powerful nuclear weapon. If we don’t stop them they’ll destroy all of San Francisco. We need you to take them out. You’re the best agent we have.” (Referring to my days as a secret CIA agent working under the guise of a film executive. What you thought I was just making movies?)
Me: “I don’t do that anymore Colbert, and you know that. (looking off into the distance) I can’t go back to that life. I’ve only begun to atone for the people I’ve killed.”
Colbert: “Your country needs you Matt, you’re our only chance. We can’t let those people die.”
Me: “Fine, I’ll do it, but this is my last mission, I’m not your personal assassin anymore.”
January 6th-8th- Infiltrate a terrorist base, assassinate the leader, disarm the nuclear weapon, get in a firefight, get shot, almost bleed out, but before bleeding out Kevin comes to my rescue (armed with dual laser cannons of course) along with 2 teams of Navy SEALs, get med-evac-ed back to base.
January 9th 2030- Fly to Washington DC. Receive Medal of Honor. Fly home.
July 15th 2030- Get bored. Buy a retired US Battleship.
July 16th-20th 2030- Sail the battleship back to my island mansion with the help of my Wife and Kevin. Rename it The Tuppence.
August 8th 2030- Sail The Tuppence to Philippines
August 9th 2030- Hire a mercenary crew
August-December 2030- Plunder the South Pacific with me pirate crew!
January 15th 2031- Invade a small island in the Philippines, and establish a pirate fortress.
Febuary-August 2031- Island hop my way around the Philippines conquering islands as I go, led by the flagship The Tuppence.
August 23rd 2031- Manila falls to my pirate empire. Establish a benevolent pseudo-religous dictatorship over my realm. Name it the Oceanic Republic.
September 2031- Grow my navy into a sizable fleet worth of the term Armada, led of Course by the flagship The Tuppence.
November 7th-10th 2031- Conquer Papua New Guinea.
November 23rd 2031- Conquer Polynesia
December 2031- Conquer the rest of Oceania with the exception of Australia and New Zealand.
January 15th 2032- Make a deal with China to buy a fully loaded Aircraft Carrier.
January 20th 2032- Send my Armada to seize the Panama Canal.
January 22nd 2032- Topple the Panamanian Government.
January 23rd 2032- Annex Panama. Declare the end of my Imperialist movements.
Febuary 27th 3032- Ally with South Korea to topple the North Korean Government.
March 1st 3032- Celebrate National Helix Fossil Day
March 2nd 2032- Under cover of darkness infiltrate North Korea with my personal team of special forces agents (of which Kevin and my wife are a part).
March 3rd 2032- Topple Kim-Jong Un
March 4th 2032- Reunite the Korean Peninsula.
March 26th 2032- Join NATO.
March 28th 2032- Join the UN with full membership.
April-December 2032- undergo a rigorous modernization process, making my country the richest in the world (per capita).
February 2nd 2033- Accept Australia’s request to join the Oceanic Republic.
February 12th 2033- Accept New Zealand’s request to the Oceanic Republic.
March 5th 2033- Get bored of running a country, democratize.
March 19th 2033- Buy a yacht, name it The Riemann.
March 20th-July 30th 2033- Sail around the world with Kevin and my Wife.
August 2033- Return to my home in Vermont to visit my family and friends.
August 13th 2033- Attend High School 20th Reunion. I win.
September 14th 2033- Visit White House to strengthen ties between the US and the Oceanic Republic.
September 15th 2033- Return to my Island Mansion.
2034- Nothing happens.
January 11th 2033- Apply for Job at NASA for third time.
January 12th 2033- Finally get accepted.
April 2033-December 2038- Develop World’s first Warp-Drive. Spawning a golden age of space-travel
December 28th 2038- Quit NASA.
January 12th 2039- Sell the Oceanic Republic to the US, because I totally can.
February-March 2039- Build an intergalactic spaceship.
April 2039- Hire a specialized team of Space Marines (once again including Kevin and my Wife).
April 24th-25th- 2039- Team building exercises.
May-December 2039- Pillage the Galaxy as the first ever Space Pirate!!
And that will get us up to 2040, but once again, we’re only just beginning.