If there’s one thing we can agree on as a society it’s that the Olympics, and the Winter Olympics in particular, are incredibly boring. It’s hard to get jazzed about Curling. Everyone’s tried to come up with ideas to improve the Olympic events, hell it seems like every other Foxtrot strip is about Jason’s new ideas to improve the Olympics. The problem is that none of these ideas go far enough. Giant lava pits are cool, but they’re not Badass. So as an International Olympic Committee member I am here to present to you my vision of the Olympics, in Space!
It’s a shame the Lonley Island’s Space Olympics ended in such failure, we were this close to finally getting rid of the Winter Olympics. But of course now we have to listen to every journalist this side of the iron curtain complain about how freaking crazy Russia is. But I digress.
We start by building what I’m calling the Intergalactic Astrodome, which unlike that thing in Huston, will be in outer space (what a let down). It will be a giant space complex filled with training areas, sleeping quarters, a mess hall, and of course a battle arena! Kind of like that space station from Ender’s Game, but with more shopping centers and taco stands.
Next we’ll have to update some of the events. First and foremost, fencing will naturally be replaced with lightsaber duels (none of that training saber crap either, I’m talking full-fledge-arm-cutting lightsaber action). Instead of a normal pool, the swimming events will take place in a Death Star-style trash compactor, complete with that weird goomba thing that tried to strangle Luke. Other events like the dumb horse dancing ones will be eliminated despite how cool space dressage sounds. To make up for the loss of horse dancing we’ll add Space Wars (I wish we could call it Star Wars, but that’s Disney for you), basically zero-g laser tag, except that the lasers aren’t set to stun.
So start training now, the 2020 Madrid space Olympics aren’t that far away. If you try hard enough you could become one of the very first Space Olympians. And who knows, if you’re lucky you might win a Gold Medal for hacking off some guy’s arm with a lightsaber. Now tell me that doesn’t sound badass.