Public Displays of Affection

Let me begin by saying, I hate you and your incessant PDA. It seems everywhere I go to animals can’t keep their junk in their pants. It’s so annoying. If I wanted to watch two people grope each other I’d go to Sam’s room (Haha, Brian knows what I’m talking about!). Let just list off some of the places where I’ve had to endure some painful PDA: in the lounge, in the dining hall, in front of the microwave, in front of/on the ping pong table, right in front of my door (that was a weird one), and of course in every other public space imaginable.

Toaster Oven forever unclean!
Toaster  forever unclean!

Now PDA’s one of those weird things that changes drastically depending on your perspective. To the casual observer shocked by your utter lack of decorum, it invokes emotions that compel one to yell such slanderous things as, “get a room!” or “knock that off you hooligans!” Whereas to some one in the relationship, it’s a marvelous showcase of the unending love and affection that you share with your significant other. Why is that? I firmly suspect that it is not the act itself that we find so off-putting. Given the immense popularity of the porn industry, the majority of people, clearly, are comfortable with the sight of two people groping at each other. Which begs the question, then What is it about watching two (hopefully) adult people share their affection for each other in a public place that we find so repulsive?

Well the first possible explanation is simply a matter of space. In my professional experience, most couples don’t give two steaming bags of feces where they partake in a little PDA. Which leads to some of the awkwardness I described earlier, trying to scooch by two blumpkins utterly engrossed in each other just so I can get to the microwave. I get that you two like each other…alot apparently, but if I can’t microwave my mac and cheese then I might have to smack a bitch. In which case if people weren’t so immobile in their PDA, then this wouldn’t be a problem right? If you simply moved two feet to the right, then I can use the microwave and everything will be fine, right? Wrong, for I suspect there are other factors at play.

The next possible explanation is far more sinister, and it relies on something I like to call “The Comparative Principle”. For whatever reason, be it an instinctive nature left over from the our days as hunter gatherers, be it a societal pressure to “be the best”, or maybe it’s just that we’re all assholes, but everyone of us is competitive in one sense or another. So whenever we interact with someone, be it directly or indirectly, we automatically begin to compare ourselves to that person to see how we stack up, see what our competition is like. When we see someone stupid we say, I’m smarter than them, and we feel good inside. But when we see PDA we see two people further along in the biological game of procreation, we feel inferior, we feel lonely, and we feel sad. It’s basically boasting. To the people on the inside, the ones boasting, PDA is awesome because your telling everyone, “I’m better than you”, but to everyone else it’s like being told you suck. A likely explanation, but I’ve got one more.

I thought We were done

The last possible explanation is simply chalked up to our good friend awkwardness. It’s hard to explain, but just about everyone knows the feeling. The unending silence, the absolute juxtaposition (you’ve got to admit that’s a fun word) of passionate embrace…and just kind of standing there, and the overwhelming feeling of, “…welp, this is happening.” It’s just a weird situation and no one knows how to react. On the one hand you two aren’t going to stop making out, but on the other hand I really need to microwave this mac and cheese and no one really knows what to do. So instead we just try to go about our business, each party trying their damnedest to ignore the other, and I guess that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.

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