Breakups

Breakups are difficult…I’m told. Once again I’ve chosen a topic that, while I am culturally familiar, I am not what many would call an expert in the field. As I have publicized time and again (for some reason that is beyond my own comprehension) I am terrible at everything relationship related, so I don’t have any real first hand experience. But if there’s one thing I excel at, its second and third hand experience. So much of the talk about breakups is focussed on the breakup-ees, but what about the people surrounding them, what about the children? Sidenote: If I was one of my friends who has broken up with a significant other within the past, oh I don’t know, forever (aka all the friends that read my blog) I might want to stop reading right about now.

There’s two things that can happen when one of your friends breaks up with their girl/boyfriend, and both of them depend on your relationship with the aforementioned girl/boyfriend. The first thing that can happen is nothing. A lot of times you don’t know your buddy’s sex friend, especially if said friend IS TERRIBLE AT FULFILLING THEIR END OF THE BROLATIONSHIP! In that case you don’t know that person except on a weird pseudo-accuaintance level (although they may still read your blog which is super awesome!). The only thing that changes is that now you may or may not have to be emotional support for your friend. It may be inconveniencing, but all you have to do is say things like: “Yeah I hated her”or  “she was annoying” or “she reminded me of a gazelle’s anus!” (I don’t really mean that CJ, please keep reading my blog, and tell your friends!). If anything this can be a productive time for you as you bond with your friend and/or or make funny memes mocking their problems.

Don't see how this is related, but it made me laugh
Don’t see how this is related, but it made me laugh

But the far more interesting situation is when you’re friends with both of the romantically entangled individuals. This can happen several ways. It’s entirely possible that two of your friends just happened to have complimentary plumbing and decided to build a viscous fluid dual-flow hydrodynamic transportation system. Or, as is equally likely, through the act of dating, the friend in question managed to assimilate their biological counterpart into your group of friends. In any event this becomes a much more complicated scenario. It is exactly analogous to what I imagine it’s like having divorced parents, but to a lesser magnitude. Suddenly you have to start budgeting your time so that you can hang out with both parties individually, because god knows what’ll happen if Gathey catches Fred making out with his new girlfriend Alexandra. Obscure Portlandia references aside (#Catnapped) this is actually a very real phenomenon. I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve had one of my friends favorite one of my tweets only to have their former love interest, who is also my friend, favorite the very same tweet about 10 minutes later. Which I realize is a terrible example, but it still makes me laugh every time. In any event just be prepared to get stuck in the middle of a lot of drama, and go watch Portlandia, that show is awesome.

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