I come to you today, bearing terrible news. Yea, once there was a man with unparalleled charm and wit. He gathered the masses and spread stories and fables of politics and economics. As his following grew we showered him with praise. Gifts, he was given for the accomplishments he had made. We looked up to him as a figure to save us from the darkness below. His words made us laugh and filled us with hope, no matter how much truthiness he willingly spoke.
But problems were brewing atop his ivory tower, for not much good can come from such a golden shower. The praise it corrupted him, the awards defiled they him, until, yea he turned on those who looked up to him. In the midst of his show, while sharing the news, Mr. Stephen T. Colbert declared to the world the most gravest of views. “I’ll wipe Vermont off the map”, he angrily complained, “and send all those hippies diving into the great Lake Champlain.”
So I call upon yee, oh noblest and fair, the ones who live in the cleanest of air. I call upon Vermonters, both short and tall, to gather together, we will surely need you all, to take up your arms against the Colbert Nation, and stop this great menace without hesitation. We want not to harm the great man who seeks to destroy us, but merely to stop the evil that with which he be possessed.
I fear that our time is running short, mayhaps it was foolish to rhyme my retort. Alas we must hurry to gather alliances, for already Colbert possesses the greatest of sciences. Yet there is hope in his competitors’s shows, maybe we can get Jimmy Fallon, hey, who knows!
And so we stand here on the crack of doom, desperately wishing our end wouldn’t come so soon. Rally your forces, prepare to play your last card, because if Vermont’s going down, it’s going down hard. The battles will be fierce, the fighting intense, but the strength of the people is the ultimate defense. The season is now, the time is ripe, to take up your gear, your burkes, your pot pipe, raise up against our foe, and fill his forces with woe. Colbert may try to bury us in nuclear fire, but so long as there are Vermonters, by god, we shall never tire. So bring us what you’ve got Mr. Stephen T. Colbert, I assure you it shall be, no easy affair.
I wish it wasn’t so, these darkest of days, as we prepare to kill in the most bountiful of ways. Please Mr. Colbert, give it a thought, don’t destroy Vermont, we love you a lot.