Athens– In a study from the University of Georgia, scientists here have definitively shown that common household cats are agents of the devil. This groundbreaking research comes just months after the FBI arrested Grumpy Cat on charges of treason, and conspiracy to commit ‘lolz’.
“This is the first time in human history that we’ve been able to say, ‘yes, cats are totally evil,’” said lead researcher, Dr. Lupus. The researchers conducted this study over a three-year period using a large sampling of cats from various corners of the globe. “It became a major issue as to how we were going to transport some of these cats who were coming from as far away as China, and India,” said Dr. Lupus. After several months of planning the team came up with an ingenious solution. They would create a habitable environment for the cat-in-transit by applying uniform perforations around the box to ensure an optimal atmospheric environment. “Basically we just poked a bunch of holes in the box,” put Dr. Lupus.
Once they had acquired the necessary pool of test subjects, they began the testing process. The researchers gave each cat a Care Bear, if the cats truly were not evil and were in fact, just normal animals, they would have left the brightly colored bear alone. However, when the scientists went to collect their test samples they came upon an entirely different scene. “We began pulling the Care Bears out of the cages,” said Dr. Lupus, fighting back tears, “and each one was torn to shreds, I’ve never seen anything like it, it was a blood bath!” The researcher’s findings have since been since been filed in the Journal of Animal Science.
Many have applauded Dr. Lupus’ work. “This study has huge implications,” said Dr. Terry Stafford from the University of Southern California. “We now know that cat people really are just rampant Satanists,” he added.
The world community has been quick to support this new discovery. Already governments around the world have begun passing legislation condemning the practice of breeding and housing cats. The Swiss government has already banned felines from the country and has begun a deportation campaign to round up the cats and send furry balls of demonic evil to anyone willing to take them.
“This is quickly becoming a huge problem,” said Dr. Stafford, “you have millions of cats the world over, and now we have to figure out how the hell to get rid of them.” In the United States, NASA has begun drawing up plans to fill rockets with up to 10,000 cats at a time and launch them into the sun, and the CIA has initiated an intense counter-feline drone strike program. Deliberations in the United Nations have devolved into utter chaos. “If only the UN would pay this much attention to global warming,” said one bystander.
American intelligence agencies are reporting that the Russians have since commenced an effort to try to weaponize cats. The Defense Department denies that it has launched a similar program, but an official speaking to us on the condition of anonymity has told us that the US is in fact developing a cat bomb as a counter to the Russian effort. As usual Kim-Jong-Un has declared that North Korea has already created a cat bomb and is preparing to quote, “bathe the United States and its allies in furry flames.” South Korean Intellegence has since refuted the North’s claim, but is beefing up security measures just in case.
In a twist that everyone saw coming, the Egyptian government has condemned Dr. Lupus’ study. In a statement an Egyptian official called the study, “Ludicrous on the highest echelons of insanity.” They have since declared the entire state of Egypt as a feline haven. “They’ve essentially marked themselves as a giant target,” said Dr. Stafford, “Now everyone in the world is going to want to offload their cats in Egypt.” We have reached out to the Egyptian government for a statement on how they plan to respond to a mass influx of demon spawn, but they have since declined to comment.
When asked what he thought of the fallout from his research, Dr. Lupus said, “Haha, I think it’s kind of funny. All this hubbub because of one little study? Seems kind of silly to me.”