Polictical Science 203

Artist's depiction
Artist’s depiction

Long ago I decided that I wasn’t going to turn this into another one of the 80 billion political blogs. The last thing the world needs is another bitchy kid on the internet rambling about congress. Well I’m going to go back on that rule, just this once, because I’m running low on ideas, and this is a funny story. You see I’m a man of many talents. In addition to writing bad movies  (I am wholesomely unsatisfied with my latest work), designing aircraft (I made it to the moon this past weekend), I am also an expert debater and a competent politician (I use the term competent very loosely).

This particular story goes all the way to the beginning of my freshman year in high school. Back in middle school I  didn’t do that many extra-ciricular activities. I did Math Counts (get it?) for like two months in 7th grade and that was it. So when I got to high school I made the executive decision to stop being a boring loser and start participating. As a result I decided to run for student council.

Free mexican hamsters was a bust.
Free mexican hamsters was a bust.

The first thing I needed was a platform. People needed a reason to vote for me, a noble goal to fight for during my benevolent reign as one of the leading student kind of policy-makers-ish, that and the fact that one of the questions on the application was, “what’s one thing you want to change about the school.” If you hadn’t already guessed, I’m bad at making things up. I’m not the most creative person on the planet, in fact all the names of the characters in my movie (have I told you I’m writing a movie?) are just slight variations on my friends’ names. Anyways while I was struggling to think up something my mom said, “why don’t you try to get them to play music during lunch.” Gee thanks mom that’s a greeeeaaaaat idea. But I couldn’t think of anything better so I put it on my poster, and cringed when anyone brought it up.

A few more days went by, and soon we were to make campaign speeches. It was to be our last chance to influence the voters before they set off to vote for their choice of student councilor. The day before the speeches I over heard some of the upper-classmen complaining about how the creemee machine (creemees are what normal people call “soft serve”) was broken. A word on the creemee machine: apparently for several years before I went there, our high school had a creemee machine, but jut before my freshman year it broke. Naturally all the freshman were understandably agitated, having been able to enjoy the glory of creemees. In any event I had finally found my policy goal: fix the creemee machine.

The big day came. One by one people got up and gave their speeches. I was admittedly a little nervous, I’m a great public speaker (in my humble opinion), but I’m a self-proclaimed introvert, and I had never spoken in front of my entire class before. In any event I was well prepared, I had written the whole thing the night before, I even had a nice little binder to keep it in. As I began to speak the class was decidedly bored, having already listened to eight other people ramble on about why they should be elected, despite the fact that no one cared (they were just going to vote for their friends anyways). And so I started rambling on about some BS like, “I have no planned policy, my only goals are what you want.” Mumbo jumbo like that, which in retrospect, is not only a terrible speech, but a terrible approach to getting elected. Anyways I finally said, “well I do have one goal planned.” Then I paused for a moment, got in real close to the microphone and said, “fixing the creemee machine.” And let me tell you, they went freaking insane.

Never had I seen a group of people get so excited. They were cheering, and jumping up in their seats. Everyone was exstatic. I’m probably making this up, but I’m 90% sure they gave me a standing ovation. Meanwhile I just stood there with my stupid smile, and looked over at the kid I was running against (who was also my best friend). Needless to say I won, and although they never released the poll numbers, I think it was safe to say it was a landslide (no offense t-dubs).

Here’s the problem, I didn’t know how to fix the creemee machine, I was freshman, sue me. Nearly ask quickly as my popularity had soared it quickly plummeted. People kept asking me, “Matt, when are you going to fix the creemee machine?” and I would just have to tell them: I have no idea.  A week later they threw out the creemee machine.

That was just the beginning though. The next year I ran for student council again, and I lost…handily. I was fine with it though, it was retribution for not fixing the creemee machine (and the terrible talent night skit, but that’s another story).  The worst part is that every year since everyone has used something to the tune of, “I can’t promise to fix the creemee machine, but…” in their campaign speeches (I’m talking to you RIYA!). We get it! I didn’t fix the creemee machine, cool guys. I got in over my head a little and promised something that I couldn’t deliver, jeez, give it up already.

So yeah, if you want to get elected to student council, promise to fix the creemee machine, just don’t expect to get re-elected…ever.