The Next Rebecca Black

He seems rather melancholy for a dark lord.
He seems rather melancholy for an evil demon

Well it’s that time again. Time to give up a child sacrifice to the great overlord Cthulhu. It’s a time honored tradition that we must follow lest the dark lord bring about a thousand years of darkness. Centuries ago the Aztecs sacraficed slaves or something, a few years ago we sacraficed Nick Cage, two years ago we sacrificed Rebecca Black, last year we sacrificed the Thanksgiving girl, and now it is time for a new sacrifice. Luckily our savior has been pumping out D grade pop tracks sung by annoying pre-teen girls, providing us with amble offerings to give. I’m referring of course, to this guy:

He insisted on wearing the Chicken costume
He insisted on wearing the Chicken costume

His latest offering is a girl by the name of Alison Gold. Under the wise direction of chicken man up there we have yet another friday-esque monstrosity to hate by the name of Chinese food:

The video fades in as the Casio Electric Keyboard demo track plays in the background. Through an interesting directing decision, the video begins with some Chinese guy who is making noodles and immediately bursts into a long and largely confusing monologue-

Nope I can’t do this. We need to find a new way to satisfy the supreme overlord Cthulhu. I know it’s fun to mock these dumb videos (mostly because they’re intentionally terrible), but we seriously need to stop. This whole thing isn’t healthy. We keep destroying these girls’ lives while this guy gets rich:

He is too creepy for words.
He is too creepy for words.

Just two things before I abandon this post to the banishment of bad ideas. 1) Who picked the subject of the song? Does this girl REALLY like Chinese food that much or were they just like what’s the first thing you can think of? General Tso’s Chicken!!! No one was like what are you stupid? And 2) why the frack does she knock over this trash can.

Disturbing the peace biiiiiiitch!
Disturbing the peace biiiiiiitch!

Lastly to this Alison Gold person: stay in school, and to anyone else thinking of making one of these videos, I ask you: is destroying your life and becoming an internet laughing stock really worth youtube fame?

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One thought on “The Next Rebecca Black

  1. a man in a panda suit who played monopoly with a bunch of 14 year old girls and stuck his finger in jello flew through a house into the sky with a rainbow following him

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