One of my life goals is to write for a little website called Cracked. The problem is everything user submitted has to be in list format. I don’t know why, but they are very serious about their lists. As such I need to practice the art of list making and dick jokes, so I decided to make a list about the first thing that came to mind: college (is it getting old yet?)!
1. Your Friends
Let’s start with the obvious. Assuming your friends don’t go to school with you, you will probably start to miss them. Really nothing special going on there, and if you needed me to tell you that, you may be a psychopath.
2. Having someone who takes care of you
Here’s the thing about living with your parents. You never fully appreciate all the things they do for you. Chances are you probably got used to having a fridge that was stocked with food, clothes that were regularly cleaned, and a house that didn’t resemble the aftermath of a Miley Cyrus music video (oo pop culture burn!). Having to take care of you is a pain in the ass, and now that you have to do it yourself, you will surely miss the days when your parents did everything for you.
3. Not doing Laundry
Speaking of having to take care of yourself, laundry is a bitch. After your very first week at college, you will make a phone call, a very special phone call actually, in fact everyone makes that exact same phone call. It’s the “how do I do laundry call” and it happens when you suddenly realize that mother isn’t going to be able to wash all of my clothes from Vermont.
4. Your Hobbies
You probably not going to have a whole lot of time when your in college, because you’re “studying” all the time, plus you’re probably not going to be able to bring your entire lego collection, or remote controlled UAV, so you’re not going to do all your hobbies. Personally I enjoy biking, and while I probably could have brought my bike to Georgia, I didn’t. I can’t tell you what I’d do to ride my bike around the bike path right now. My lack a bicycle also isn’t helping the freshman 15 situation.
There’s nothing quite like the sweet smell of Vermont air. I think you get the point. You’re home is awesome and you never want to leave, that’ a pretty universal idea. On a side note: to all the kids going to UVM, if you want to send me some cider donuts I would be greatly appreciative.
There is nowhere you can go where you are truly alone. The internet? Even given the fact that internet privacy fundamentally does not exist, all your internet goes through the school. Your room? Say hi to you roommate for me! Even the bathroom is shared. If you’re like me and you got used to playing video games in your basement alone, yeah that’s gone now.
7. A Normal Ass Bathroom
I know I shouldn’t complain, but I will. I’ve already mentioned how messed up our bathrooms are, but gatdamn. No one likes using a public bathroom, well now all you have is public bathrooms. Sometimes you need peace and quiet when you’re releasing the kraken, but I promise you, peace and quiet will be hard to find, especially when the drunk people come back at 2 in the morning and start puking in all the toilets.
Can I go home now?