Resisting the Urge to Troll

Admit it at one point or another you were surfing the etherwebs and you stumbled upon something that you dearly wanted to maliciously comment on. It’s ok, we’ve all been there, hopefully if you’re like most people you were able to resist the urge to be a cyber asshole and thereby avoided the act of troll. One of the first things I did on this blog was warn you against the dangers of trolls, but sometimes you want to be one, it just looks like so much fun doesn’t it?! Sometimes we all just need a release, so let’s troll the internet together and get it all out of our system. Oh and if you read something that you yourself posted, don’t be offended, I don’t hate you, unless you’re one of the three random facebook friends I grabbed posts from, in which case, who the hell are you?

Anyways let’s start off easy. This first tweet is from a friend of my who still lives in Vermont, let’s see what she posted…

What, it's really hot in Atlanta and I like to complain
Oh no! My phone’s about to die!
Ok so she won that round
Ok so she won that round

Alright so that wasn’t so funny as it was just mean, but hey it’s really hot in Atlanta and I like to complain. Well that and I’m still angry over the last time we had an argument about hot weather. Fine, but I can do better, parody is the lowest form of comedy. How about something like: psh more like 53 degrees…CELSIUS! Want some luke warm water for that freezer burn?

Ok so that was terrible, but it’s fine, I’m just getting warmed up, besides it’s not like I practice trolling people regularly. Let’s go for something more in my territory, say something about college!

You probably can't tell, but I'm crying on the inside.
You probably can’t tell, but I’m crying on the inside.

Boom! Don’t nobody say Gilmo can’t passive aggressively mock someone going through serious life issues! (side note: what does passive aggressively mean?) Seriously though, why would you post this to your facebook wall? I don’t fully understand the circumstances, but I feel like Facebook may not be the best place to talk about how much you hate your crappy roommate. I mean…can’t they see that? Yo man can you grab the lights, oh yeah and by the way, I hate you and I want another roommate. Hey look at these cat pictures!

So we’ve mocked temperature preferences and roommate issues, what’s next you may be asking. Well how about some TV fan boyeurism (totally a word BTW).

I get the feeling I should be watching Breaking Bad.
I get the feeling I should be watching Breaking Bad.

On a serious note, we get it, Breaking Bad is a good show, can we stop talking about it now? Though I probably shouldn’t make fun of someone who watches Breaking Bad lest I should end up dissolved in a bathtub full of hydrochloric acid. Well joke’s on you! If you really wanted to dissolve a body, you should have used sodium hydroxide! You know I probably shouldn’t be telling my potential murderer how to better dispose of my body, just a thought.

So up until now we’ve been after little fish in a gigantic ocean. It’s time to go after a shark, someone with some clout. How about the New York Times!

No such thing as bad press eh?
No such thing as bad press eh?

Hahahaha, that one guy who reads the comments on NY Times auto-posts is going to flip! Something doesn’t quite feel right though about belittling someone’s life journey which I can only assume has been at least somewhat perilous (for the record I haven’t read the article). I think I should stick to the little fish, I’m not cut out for the big leagues of trolling.

Just as I was about to quit, mostly because of the smell (I get farty when I’m trolling), I found three beautiful posts. Let’s start with the first one:

I reserve the right to battle my legos
some of my best friends are little boys! wait…that sounds bad.

It never ceases to perplex me as to why people go on to Facebook to complain about other people, people who can read your complaints. Just complain about them behind your back like a normal person. And I know what you’re saying, “But Matt, you complain about your friend Brian all the time, how is this any different.” Well my young padawan, I make fun of Brian because it’s funny, if that makes me a bad person then so be it.

Moving onto the second of the three post-migoes:

I think that was the problem
I think that was the problem

This brings us to another Facebook phenomenon that I never really understand. Why do people insist on quoting song lyrics. I get that you like this song or that you identify with the lyrics, but it’s unoriginal, and it sounds weird, who the hell talks in rhymes (other than Bust-a-rhymes)?! And another thing, maybe if you didn’t listen to such crappy music you wouldn’t feel so bad. Three Days Grace, really? Just one look at their annoying faces is enough to tell me that they suck. More like Three Days of Poop in my Butthole.

Crappy generic “alt-metal” aside I have one last post to troll, and let me tell you it is a beaut:

Oh, finally looked in a mirror did we, I'm sorry...
Oh, finally looked in a mirror did we, I’m sorry…

Oh man there is so much good material here. “You know a little introspection is a good thing” or “I know! Bitches please” or “whores be whorin’!” On a more serious note though, who says that? What a mean thing to say, “hey I know you think you look hot and all, but you look more like horse feces than you do like Emma Watson.” Also, who the hell are you and why am I Facebook friends with you? Though judging by your profile picture I don’t think you read my blog, so I’m probably not going to find out anytime soon.

I think that’s all I can handle. Anymore and I might actually digress into a full-fledged asshole.