Girls are like Pokemon, they’re all different, and in it takes a master to catch ’em all. Before I go on I want you all to watch the pokemon theme song as a warm up to my words of advice.
Now that you all have basked in the glory of the pokemon theme song, we’re going to abandon the pokemon analogy. Now the human body is designed to carry out two fundamental functions. The first is self-preservation, otherwise known as survival, which makes sense you don’t want to die do you? No, exactly. The second fundamental bodily function is reproduction. People wouldn’t be doing so hot if they didn’t keep making new people, that’s why they spend so much time “bumpin’ uglies” (never make me use that phrase again). The problem is that for a lot of guys, wooing your respective girl of choice is daunting and difficult task. Well don’t worry gents, I (in all my infinite wisdom) am here to help. I know what the ladies like, and soon you can too!
1. Don’t be like me
See I’m the kind of guy that is incredibly intimidated at the prospect of talking to girls (not asking them out, or anything like that, just talking). I’m the shy and lonley guy who sits in the corner with his three friends casually laughing about Star Wars or some junk hoping that if he stares at a beautiful woman for long enough she’ll come over and talk to him. It’s sad I know, but acknowledging your problems is the first step on the road to change. If you are ever thinking about something like, oh should I go talk to that girl over there, think about what I would do, and then do the opposite. I should start making bracelets, but instead of saying “what would Jesus do” they’ll say “What wouldn’t Gilmo do” because when it comes to dating, that’s about the best advice I can give, but that’s no excuse not to keep reading.
2. Women are people too
This one goes a bunch of ways, but the message is the same. First off, you need to demystify your perception of women. They are not some kind of foreign species, they are the same as you, except for some differences in the land down under. Talking to a girl is no different from talking to one of your friends especially if your friend has some big manboobs. Going along with that, if you want to woo a woman try befriending her first she’s probably not going to want to go out with someone who she barely knows except maybe in passing (learned that one the hard way) unless you’re really handsome or really charming, which, if you’re reading this post, doesn’t include you. Talking to someone and getting to know them on a personal level goes along way. If you still don’t understand think of it this way. You’re walking along one day and some random guy comes up to you and says, “Do you want to be my best friend?” How the hell are you supposed to respond to that? If your like most people your probably gonna say thanks, but no thanks. Chances are she will appreciate your presence much more if you take the time to get to know her.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t have a whole lot of experience in the dating department (which you would know if you read some of my previous work). So if you haven’t already, you’re probably asking why should I trust you? While I admit that I don’t have a very good track record (if you can call 0-.5 a track record) the reason I’m able to spout all this advice boils down to one word: empathy. See the reason I can spout pages upon pages of BS dating advice is because, well 1) I’m amazing, but 2) I can understand (at least I think I can understand) the alternate perspective and how my actions will affect other people. When trying to court someone, it’s usually a good idea to think to yourself, how will they respond? What will they think? Then use this information to change what your doing so that you don’t make an ass of yourself. You may have an awesome plan that’s going to win over this girl, she’s going to think you’re amazing and it’ll be awesome, but unless you actually sit down and think about what she think, you’re doomed from the start.
4. Be yourself
It sounds cliché (probably because it is the definition of cliché advice), so cliché, in fact, that it almost didn’t make it into this list, but seriously be yourself. I shouldn’t really need to say anymore, but I will because I’m a nice guy. See authenticity and honesty is an admirable trait, chicks dig genuine dudes. Plus, if you can’t be yourself with someone, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. Simple as that.
5. If you can’t find someone look harder
If you’re like me, there’s probably been a point where you’ve thought that no girl was ever going to like you. No? Is that just me? Oh, well if you’ve ever thought to yourself that there was, “no one out there for you” no one who shared your obsessive passion for League of Legends, just like the crazy teens in my beloved show Adventures in Clarksville, catch new episodes every friday right here on Gilmo’s world (I am not ashamed to promote myself)! If you’ve ever thought that then stop being so stupid and keep looking. Remember what I said earlier about girls being pokemon, and everyone is different? Yeah, well that means that there’s one out there who’s into the same things you are. There are 7 billion people on the planet half of them (3.5 billion) are girls, chances are one of them is going to have the same, or at the very least, similar interests as you. Maybe none of the girls in your High School like you, just wait, you’ll leave, you’ll go to college and there will be tons of beautiful girls (some of whom are into LoL!). The absolute worst thing you could do is give up. All you have to do is stop moping around and look for her, because she’s out there…somewhere.
6. You have to give love to receive love
I’d like to be able to claim that I thought up this piece of advice, but no this one comes from Deepak Chopra’s book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. The idea is (in my interpretation btw) that love is not simply going to come to you. You can sit in the corner hoping that you’ll get lucky and something good will stumble your way, but nothing is ever going to come, trust me, I’ve been doing this for years. If you want love you have to seek it out, you have to be willing to give part of yourself, you need to let yourself be vulnerable. It’s easy to just wait and hope something will float your way, because you’re protected. You can’t get hurt if you don’t put yourself out there, but you need to get hurt. Sometimes we need to experience failure before we can find success. It may suck for a while, you’ll probably suffer a bit, but it’s that suffering, and that failure that ultimately makes us stronger. The more you give, the more you put yourself out there the more successful you will become, 100% guaranteed. To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson-
“I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
(Don’t nobody say GIlmo can’t quote romantic poetry.)
So sack up soldier and get out there. You have everything you need woo the girl of your dreams in your hands, just put yourself out there and don’t be too nervous. There’s a billion other things I could tell you, don’t use pick up lines (seriously don’t), practice good hygiene, “when in doubt penis out.” All of this is good advice (except for maybe that last one…), but all you really need to do is what I’ve put above: don’t do what I do, treat her like a normal person, think empathetically, be yourself, never give up, and above all, you need to give love before you can receive love. I realize a lot of what I’ve said is easier said then done, I know that from personal experience, but like I’ve said the first step on the road to change is accepting who you are, and where you want to go. Now, I can’t promise that you’ll get all the ladies, but I can tell you that you’ll at the very least make some new friends (friends who probably have other hot friends who they might set you up with), and there’s nothing better than a good friendship.