Locked Out

So the other night I was relaxing, wasting my time working for stuff the blog which you will undoubtedly not care about. I realized it was getting late, so I grabbed my toothbrush, my tooth paste, and set out to brush my teeth. A funny thing happened then. The door closed with a resounding click, and suddenly I realized: It’s 1am, I don’t have my key to the room, and my roommate has disappeared somewhere. No phone, no computer, no friends, I am alone and…LOCKED OUT.

Coming to a Theater near you
Coming to a Theater near you

At this point in the night the dorm was dead quiet, everyone who wasn’t out partying had gone to sleep, except the one kid who must have been playing Super Smash Bros in his room judging by the noises coming from it, and everyone who was out partying, was still out partying. Hanging my head in shame I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, because I may as well do the thing I came to do, it’s not like I had anything better to do. Then I took a dumb because I had too, plus that would take up some time. Then I went to the lounge…and sat there…and…thought…about stuff. I sat on the couch staring at the ceiling, still clutching my toothbrush and toothpaste because I can’t exactly play ping pong by myself, and my only hope of getting back into my room, was to wait for my roommate to come back from whatever party he happened to be at. Then…it came: The Flood.

At probably about 1:45 a flood of drunk idiots washed over the entire dorm. First two guys came in and started playing ping pong. At which point I felt very creepy just sitting there by myself in the corner staring at the ceiling, so I got up and got a drink from the water fountain. As I was about to dive in for some refreshing “agua” the door to my door began to rumble, the ground began to shake, then with all the force of a great typhoon the door burst open and about 20 very drunk children stumbled in (not literal children). They all rushed into the lounge except one guy, who apparently stayed next to the door to let the rest of their posse in (who must have fallen behind), like the worlds worst bouncer. After egotistically mocking their drunk antics as I took a sip from the water fountain, the drunkest one of them all, the guy running around (without a shirt) sining off pitch versions of famous songs, while simultaneously playing the percussions sections on his chest like a drunk Tarzan, he looks me straigh in the eyes with a very confused/why are you here/dude I am so wasted right now look and slowly shut the door to the lounge.

I didn’t really want to deal with the drunk bouncer, and I felt kind of creepy just standing there so I said, “screw it, I’m gonna go do the crossword in the bathroom stall (…again)!” This is when the night went from bad, but at least somewhat comical, to god awful. As I was sitting there playing my word games and casually evacuating my bowels in stormed three drunk people who really weren’t having a good time. You can probably guess what came next (I know Brian does). Before I could react, the most terrible noise ever created exploded from one of the stalls next to me . It sounded like a Velociraptor with explosive diarrhea. Let me just tell you that the last image you want in your head while doing your business is anything that resembles this scene:

But you’re asking, “Matt why didn’t you just leave?” Well at first I’ll admit I was curious as to what they were going to do, because based on my previous experiences, drunk people are generally pretty funny, and I’m gonna be honest I did not see that coming. Then the the two lesser inebriated of the bunch started arguing/yelling at each other, so I thought it would be really awkward. Then after that when they didn’t leave I figured that I had been there too long, and if they knew I was there the whole time, it would be really creepy. Although in hind sight it was probably creepier sitting there in the stall the whole time…

Eventually the vomiting ceased, and the three went off to put the vomiting girl to sleep. I checked to see if my roommate had finally returned (spoiler alert: he hadn’t), then found myself a tad parched. I went back to the water fountain and grabbed another sip. Then I looked around and realized that the drunk bouncer had left, or at the very least had joined the 20 or so drunk people partying it up in the lounge, which was a tad noisy I might add, they could have at least had some respect for the people trying to sleep, you know a little decorum goes a long way. Well as I was bemoaning the fact that drunk bouncer was gone, I noticed that there was another water fountain at the other end of the hall. Having nothing else to do, I declared: in the interest of the public wellbeing I shall test and compare the quality of the two water fountains! I moseyed over to the other fountain, and had a sip. It wasn’t quite as cold, nor was it nearly as refreshing as the other fountain, and it also made a weird gurgling noise any time the water was on, but it worked. After taking drinking the water I noticed that I had never been in this part of the dorm so I decided to explore a littler. I found that there was another stairwell around the corner and I also discovered something wonderful: a previously undiscovered second bathroom! Walking in though was really weird. It was the exact same design and everything as the other bathroom, but it was in a different location. It was like walking into another dimension. I then naturally did what any normal person would do and declared, “I must poop in this new bathroom!” So I did, and guess what! No drunk people came in to vomit on everything! It was a thoroughly relaxing experience, so relaxing in fact that I will admit I did nod off at one point.

By the time I woke up and exited the bathroom the drunk party had disbanded, so I once again took up residence in the lounge. I had essentially given up hope that my roommate would return at reasonable hour…and then one of my sandals broke.

God hates me
God hates me

So at this point I was tired, a tad famished, down a shoe, and still locked out. I then went on to very narrowly win a game of ping pong against one of the last drunk people to stumble back in. Then I talked with another guy who had come downstairs to figure out what all the hubbub was about. He shared my pain about losing my only pair of shower shoes, then went off to go to sleep. Then the half-drunk guy came back mumbled something about noodles, then gave me his towel to sleep on while I roughed it out in the lounge. After trying to sleep for a little while, I heard a familiar voice. It was my roommate! I quickly ran out, thanked him immensely then immediately ran into my room and passed out on my bed. It was the greatest feeling in the world, well…not really, but it felt really good to finally be reunited with my pillow. The whole thing was really my fault, I locked my phone in the room so I couldn’t call anyone, but I was just glad to be back in my bed.

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