The Beauty of Autocracy

I’ve always thought that it would be awesome to live in the 17th century. Now I know what you’re saying, “but Matt the 1600’s were terrible, there was no internet, no electricity, no entertainment, and healthcare was non-existent!” Well I’m not saying I would want to be a simple peasant, though the simple life has its perks. No, I’m talking about something completely different.

Pimpin' since 1638
Pimpin’ since 1638

Way back when in the age of Louis Quatorze (14th for you non-francophonic simpletons) the entirety of western civilization was controlled by about two-ish families. The Germans, the Austrians, the French, the Spanish, even the English, were all related to each other in one way or another. Imagine being a king back then, your uncle rules the Holy Roman Empire, your cousin rule France, and your brother rules england, Thanksgivings must be terrible. James doesn’t pass the mashed potatoes, to war with Austria! Edward hogs the turkey, take his colonies! More wars would be caused by sibling rivalries than all the Balkan ones combined.


It would be so much fun ruling even an insignificant country like Spain. You have absolute freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Remember that kid who bullied you in middle school? To the gallows with him! And if anyone disagrees with you, you can just send them to Australia (aka British Prison). The world is your playground. You could literally play life-size chess, or flood the colosseum and play battleship like the Romans did.

If it weren't for the cake he'd probably be singing about the songs of angry men or something
He certaintly isn’t Les Misérables

Other than flagrant human rights violations, it’s also a wonderful system. Gridlock is a thing of the past. If something is wrong in your kingdom, you don’t need authorization, or paper work, you just do it no questions asked. The only thing you have to worry about is violent revolutions, but I have a solution for that. Every time your county stands on the verge of a violent protest capable of igniting a nation wide revolution it’s free cake day! How do you expect people to sing about overthrowing the government if they’re mouths are filled with sugary goodness. Why else do you think Marie Antoinette said, ” Let them eat cake”?