Life Lessons, From Call of Duty

There are many stereotypes associated with people who play games like Call of Duty. They are said to be fat, lazy, and violent psychopaths on the verge of murdering people. I can assure you that at least one third of that stereotype is definitely false…I’m not fat, I’m big-boned. Well while politicians argue over how exactly violent games are turning America’s youth into killing machines, I think there are a few lessons to be learned from the first-person shooter juggernaut. So here are the things I’ve learned after killing terrorists and saving the day, multiple times might I add!

No one likes campers-

That's not the kind of fun sponge I was talking about...
That’s not the kind of fun sponge I was talking about…

Every single time I play Call of Duty (AKA CoD) one of my noob friends sits in the corner of a room with a rocket launcher and blows up anyone who comes in, Neel especially. It’s not fair.  I hate it.  It’s why I don’t play CoD with him anymore. For those of you who aren’t well versed in the realm of CoD, it’d be l like if Neel sat on park place, and blew up anyone who landed there. Campers are the most annoying, least skilled, douchiest people in the game, don’t be one of them. You probably have another name for someone like that: Fun Sponge. No one likes a person who sits on their ass all-day and ruin’s everybody’s day- Don’t Be That Guy!

Dead Bodies Explode-

I’m not sure if you knew this, but dead bodies explode. This phenomenon is known in gaming circles as Martyrdom (science!). You see, in Call of Duty the perk martyrdom allows a player to drop a live grenade upon their death, because…realism! (science again!) Many times have I seen a good soldier fallen to martyrdom while sodomizing a fallen enemy. Death is a chaotic event, so tread lightly, and if you’re going to t-bag a dead bodies go play Halo.

Jumping is Hard-

This doesn't seem safe
This doesn’t seem safe

There are a few things that I think are mandated to happen in every CoD campaign. At least 3 buildings must explode, no fewer than 8 helicopters must crash, and your character must try to jump a small gap, fail, and almost get killed. If you’ve never played the CoD campaigns you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but the point is the same. It can be hard taking that jump, especially when it’s 3 feet wide, and only 10 feet up. You really want it to be like 20 feet wide, and 200 feet up. At least that’s what I got out of MW2. So, jump!…er…don’t jump? I’m not exactly sure what the lesson is here.

Car bombs aren’t that violent-

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Ever since Call of Duty 4: Modern Warefare, cars have had the innate abilities to explode, so since like 2007. You would think that this would be especially dangerous, I mean look at what happened when that guy blew up that car in No Country for Old Men.

Let’s look at that footage again. Did you notice something? That sure was spectacular, but despite being quite riled, no one was hurt. Just proves my point. I have only ever seen three people die from car bombs in Call of Duty, and two of them may have been aided by C4. So if Call of Duty is to be believed, don’t worry the next time you find yourself in a riot, or being chased by a hit man, well worry about the hit man, just not his car bombs.

I do not recommend blowing up cars. It is a highly illegal, and very dangerous activity. I would strongly advise anyone contemplating committing such an act, to reconsider. 

Check Your Corners-

You can’t make it through an entire mission without some idiot yelling, “Check your corners!” It’s quite irritating, but they have a point. You never know what’s around the next corner, it could very well be a terrorist who’ll blow your face off with a shotgun. Let me tell you from experience, that is not fun. So be careful, you never know what’s around the next corner, but feel free to smack the next person who yells, “Check your Corners!”