You should see what he was doing with the cucumber...
You should see what he was doing with the cucumber…

When I say #FoodPorn, I am not referring to making baked goods resemble the act of mating. No that kind of vulgarity has no place on my blog, only in band class. Actually I’m not really sure what #FoodPorn means, then again what does any hashtag really mean? Well if you’re as confused as I am right now, don’t worry, we’ll get through this together, and in the meantime I’m going to talk about food.

The burrito is the pinnacle of cuisine, it’s the perfect food. First off, you can put anything in a burrito, sweet things, salty things, savory things, breakfast food, mexican food. The tortilla is like the universal medium of toleration, it accepts everyone regardless of taste, smell, or MSG. Secondly the burrito is self-enclosed. everything fits snugly inside, and if wrapped correctly, nothing falls out! It is both easy to hold, and extremely mobile, also, it fits in cup-holders, sooo yeah. And lastly, in accordance with the title of this post, it looks like a giant dong (I know that’s what you were thinking). Cue awkward transition!

The problem with growing up in Vermont is that there isn’t exactly an abundance of great food. There’s some great places in downtown Burlington, but other than that the height of Vermont cuisine is Five Guys burgers (though that is a pretty high bar). But even then we only got a Five Guys last year! It’s like Vermonters have been chewing on bark for the past two hundred years. Then again you people (with the exception of you that live in Vermont) eat Aunt Jemima “maple syrup”. I’m so sorry, being forced to smother that slop on your pancakes and belgian waffles, you poor tortured soul. Now if you’ve never had Vermont maple syrup before, than you need to get on a bus and come to Vermont as soon as possible, because anyone who has never eaten true Vermont maple syrup is going to hell, sorry, but that’s a fact of life. And don’t get me started with that Canadian crap! Ugh, they think they can come here and steal our thing! Our maple syrup! Just because you put a gatdamn maple leaf on your flag doesn’t give you the best maple syrup, it just means you’re really jealous. My apologies for the harsh tone, but I just get really passionate about tree-based sugar products.

Now I hate to brag, but I am one nasty baker. I think I’m legally obligated to cook guests my amazing chocolate chip pancakes (I don’t have to quarter soldiers, but I have to cook pancakes!? Where’s that amendment?). You have to take a 40-day journey to a small Tibetan monastery just to prepare yourself for the psychological ¬†pleasure of eating one of my world-famous cookies.Although, it pains me to say this, but …I get my brownies from a pack. But who the frack still makes brownies from scratch!? Betty Freakin’ Crocker got my back!