We’re getting close to the big day, so I thought I’d build things up. Now I wrote this, and I recognize the internet has a track record of plagiarism. Now this movie is pretty terrible, but I don’t want to come back in a few weeks to find that one of you has stolen my script, and made this movie, and stolen all the credit. Also You’ll know I’m talking to you, and it’s not the script talking to you when you see me typing in bold font. So here you go: Fairly Normal Activity, a zombie movie written by your very own friendly neighborhood Gilmo (when I was a freshman)!
Group is hanging out at undisclosed location drinking jones soda.
Marsha in cornner on phone, Three guys sitting in close circle, Shannon just outside circle kinda listening
Cal: Dude I’ve got a serious jones for some Jones.
Phill: That is the worst joke I have ever heard.
Cal: You just have no sense of humor. Anyways, have any of you guys played Zombie Raider 3 yet. It soooooo much fun.
Desmond: What is with you and zombie games?
Cal: Your just jealous because you know that if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I would be the badest zombie slayer ever.
Phill: False I would be the superior destroyer of zombies. Just look at you, your tiny, you would get eaten in like two seconds. Besides everyone knows you have to team up to survive a zombie apocalypse.
Cal: Dude if there seriously was a zombie apocalypse I would just steal a cruise ship and sail the seas until the whole thing blew over.
Marsha (reading from her Phone): Hey you know the CDC has a list of how to survive a zombie apocalypse!
Desmond: That’s messed up.
Shannon: I heard that a zombie apocalypse would only last 2 weeks because all the dead bodies would decay
Cal: exactly! We should get a boat and sail around because everyone knows zombies can’t swim
Phil: And where exactly are you going to get a cruise ship. Last I checked there were no seaports in Vermont.
Cal: Ok fine nevermind. How about this, we all meet up at my place and grab some shovels and rakes and impliments of destruction. then we’ll hop in my van and drive to the nearest seaport.
Marsha: This list says not to drive because of the traffic.
Phill: then we won’t take the highway how long would it take if we used backroads?
Marsha: hold on lemme check…(looking up)…4 hours to get to boston.
Desmond: That’s not very feasible.
Shannon: what if we just barricaded ourselves in a house and waited.
Phill: have you ever seen any zombie movie ever. That’s the worst possible thing you could do! They would work their way in and we would all die!
Desmond: Look. If were gonna survive this (doing air quotes) “Zombie Apocalypse” we’ll need food and guns. Shovels and rakes and implements of destruction aren’t going to be very helpful.
Phill: I say we go to Datillio’s, they have guns there.
Cal: Yes then we should make our way to the National guard place
Cal: because they have better guns and vehicles
Desmond: Yes! Then we can take a Helicopter! It’s fast and we can fly over all the zombies!
Group: Ugh! No!
Marsha: do you know how to fly a Helicopter.
Desmond: it can’t be that hard
Phill: Do you have any idea how long pilots train to fly helicopters
Desmond: How long?
Phill: I don’t know but it’s a long time.
Desmond: Fine let’s take a tank then.
Shannon: Do you know how to drive a tank.
Desmond: uh no. Fine fine fine. Let’s do this, We go to Datillio’s and get some guns, then head back to my place and get the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, then we’ll hunker down. If it’s still going on after 2 week, we’ll make our way to the National Guard place and grab a Humvee or something and some guns and ammo, then head back to my house. If after another 2 weeks there are still zombies running around then we’ll head to the nearest seaport, what was it boston, and then hop on a cruise ship and sail around until we need to go back for food.Oh wait, we could just fish and drink desalinated seawater.
Cal: Ugh I don’t care about it anymore let’s talk about something else.
Desmond: Like what?
Cal: I…dunno!? uuuuuh… let’s just go home.
They all walk off to the right
I never said I was good at writing dialogue!
Curtains open lights up
Desmond, Cal and Phil in line at Gamestop
Phill: Is it just me or does this location seem incredibly cliche
Phill: think about it 3 American teens hanging out in the mall on a Saturday. sounds pretty cliche to me.
Cal: Cool it man you watch waaay too many movies besides were only here to get FIFA 13 then were heading back to my place to get our futbol on.
Marsha and Shannnon walk in
Desmond: ‘Sup guys
Marsha: nothing we’re just getting some lunch. What are you guys up to?
Cal: waiting to get FIFA 12! YES!
Haha oh how dated that reference is!
(Cal and Phil do sick-nasty high five)
Shannon: you know all those soccer games are the same right?
Cal: False! besides the preferred term is Futbol.
Far away Scream
Cal: What was that?
Phill: I’m sensing ultimate conclusion of previous foreshadowing
Desmond: We should go check it out.
Cal: hold on Scooby Doo let the authorities handle it no one likes meddling kids.
Marsha: wait is that guy dead?
Everyone in line turns and looks then realizes it’s zomb Apocolypse
They all freacky fracky out.
Desmond: Hurry in here.
Phil: Do what Freddy says
Group dives into secluded area while people are being eaten alive.
Desmond: Wo’kay, what just happened!
Shannon: It appears that some kind of virus has infected the people turning them into…(interrupted)
Cal (pushing Shannon out of the way): Wait wait wait is this a zombie apocalypse?! YES! watch as my zombie slaying abilities come alive!
(about to run into fray but stopped)
Desmond: You will die if you go out there.
Cal (disappointed): Fine.
philip steps on a book
Desmond: What’s this.
Phil: It says (doing air quotes) “How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse: For Dummies!”. It seems to be an elaborate summary of the events about to unfold, and how to survive them.
Heads up! You never actually get to see/read “How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse: For Dummies!” so things might get a tad confusing…
Desmond: There is no way any of this will come true. Come on “the Hot one dies first?” really?
The two look behind them. Hot girl gets chased by a zombie
Desmond: Purely coincidence.
Cal: If it was true I would have died by now.
Shannon: Wow how ironic that we had this conversation yesterday.
Phil: That’s not what Irony is! How stupid are you?!
Shannon: sorry, what a coincidence. there that better?
Marsha: Well either way why don’t we go through our plan.
Cals: Because that was hypothetical, this stuff is real!
Desmond: I think it would be best if we went and found someplace better to hide from the Zombies, then we can start to talk about what to do.
Philip: Ugh do we have to? That’s sooooo cliche. Anytime anyone wants to make a movie or TV show or skit, they always just send the main characters on some random quest for something no one cares about that is totally irrelevant to the plot. It’s so unoriginal, nothing has a purpose anymore, as if our world is void of meaning. In fact, once I saw this skit like two years ago that was soooo terrible. Seriously the whole plot was some random people going on a trip for no reason To find some crazy asian dude that has captured some random person that no one cared about. And then you sit through the whole thing only to find that the person you were looking for is actually some creepy guy in a mask! It is such a waste of life, I don’t want to be part of a crappy plot line. I need some depth!
Calvin: Dude! What’s important is food, we’re gonna need food if we’re to survive. So let’s go find some food I haven’t eaten in…(checks watch)…20 minutes. Ooo! we should go get some Domino’s sides.
Marsha: You mean Domino’s Pizza.
Calvin: No, I mean we should get a ton of Cheezy bread. Do you think Dominoes delivers in a zombie apocalypse, (looking up in pondering manner) we’ll probably have to give them a huge tip.
Desmond: How about instead we execute our plan to survive this really inconvenient zombie apocalypse. Let’s head to Datillio’s to get some guns then go back to my place just like we planned. Then I think once we get everything we need we should try to find the source of this whole thing.
Desmond Puts his hand out for a group huddle
Philip: This is so Cliche! But while It goes against every fiber of my being, that’s probably our best option. Also rule 2 says to stick together so I’m in.
Phil puts his hand in too
Group begins to form a circle, each puts their hand in after they say line
Low to high shot, pan around group as they say their line
Cal: Let’s do it!
Shannon: Let’s give ‘em hell!
Phil: For the Motherland!
Marsha: Can we make it quick I need to be somewhere at 3.
Desmond: Let’s do this!
Epic group huddle jump
as group mid-way up jump, lights out
Desmond: Com’on! Rule 3 “The Electricity goes out.” How is this Happening!
Curtains open, Lights up
Curtains open, lights up
Everyone looking up and around
Desmond: This place looks good enough its a wonder we didn’t run into any zombies.
Philip: What I would give to be a redneck right now
Without looking they fistbump
Marsha: this place gives me the creeps.
Desmond: really! you probably looked at the rules.
Desmond: Uh rule three; someone says “This place gives me the creeps” when they go into a dark place.
Desomnd: although this place is rather creepy.
Phill: Wait where are all the guns?
Festus: (in Creepy Manner) Heeeelllloooooooooooooo
Mabes get the creepy thunder sound in the back
Marsha: what’s wrong with you?
Festus: Nothing I’m just playing up the moment. Anyways ‘sup guys what can I do for you?
Cal: Are you Datillio?
Festus: No I found this place abandoned, and thought it would be a good place to hide. So what brings you guys here?
Desmond: We’re just trying to find some guns to fend off all the zombies.
Festus: Well Who ever owned this place took all the guns with them when they left. Your welcome to stay though, this place is 100% Zombie proof!
Desmond: How can you be so certain of that. you don’t know what the zombies are going to do…(break through) UNLESS! You are controlling the zombies and secretly using them to execute your plan to take over the world. I GOT YOU!
Phill: Slow down Colonel Mustard. He didn’t cause all this.
Desmond: How do you know?
Philip (matter-of-factly): Becasue that’s rule 5. Look: “it’s never the creepy guy”. (points to book)
Festus: well in any event my casa is your casa.
Calvin: ooo spanish. Classy.
Philip: That’s not classy.
Festus Anyways feel free to stay here as long as you like, we’re not going anywhere.
Phil and Cal go sit over in a corner and look at the rules, Marsha and Shannon join the other people sitting around in a circle
Desmond: Thanks we’ll rest up, but we shouldn’t stay long, we need to get back to my house to hunker down, then we’re going to seek out the root of this whole shindig and snuff it out like a candle.
Festus: I have a great idea to find the source of this zombie invasion, but were not going to make it two feet if we don’t find some stuff to fight off the zombies.There’s probably some stuff in that closet over there.
Desmond: Probably? What you haven’t looked in that closet?
Festus: Are kidding me everyone knows that there’s always something really bad in the closet, besides this place is mad sketchy.
Phill (from back): It’s true!
Desmond looks at Festus with astonished look, then proceedes to walk over to the closet
Cue that sound from Batman the annoying high pitched one that happens when something bad is about to happen
If I’m good at one thing, it’s describing things!
Festus: Dude this isn’t my place who knows what the previous owner kept in there, for all I know you could open that closet up to find a bunch of Spiders, like really giant face-melting super spiders.
Desmond (With confused/baffled look): I have lost all respect for you.
Festus: have you ever met a giant super spider.
Desmond: have you ev- you know what, Nevermind!
as he continues to walk over to the door it creeks
Philip: Rule 6!
Desmond Shut up!
Desmond slowly goes over and ever so slowly opens the door, to find that there is nothing in it. Desmond looks back at Festus disappointedly
Calvin: Dude isn’t that rule 7?
Philip: Haha yes rule 7.
Festus: What are these rules?
Festus walks towards Calvin and Philip
Calivn: Oh it’s the rules of how to survive a zombie apocalypse.
Phill: For Dummies!
Festus: haha nice, and this agitates him.
Philip: oh ya
Desmond: Gaaaaaaa! you know what I have an idea let’s call the authorities, I bet no one thought of that (looking at Philip).
Marsha: Why are we just thinking of this now?
Philip: don’t bother it’s not gonna work.
Desmond: what are you talking about?
Philip: You know what? Go ahead try see what happens.
Desmond pulls out his cell phone and defiantly tries to dial 911
Desmond: It doesn’t work.
Philip and Cal jump up
Philip: That’s rule 8. YES! YES! YES! haha
Calvin: That’s got to be a record.
Philip and Clavin Do a special handshake while laughing. Then both akwardly high-five Festus
Phil: You should just listen to the rules they’re really helpful. Take rule 9 for example: Zombies will always find you at the worst times, so never go to the bathroom, unless it’s an emergency. That makes perfect sense!
Desmond: J-mo Christ! GIVE ME THAT BOOK!
While Calvin/Philip distracted Desmond takes book and throws it
Desmond: Enough! We need to get out of here.
grabbing cal and phil by the shoulder
Desmond: We need to get out of here!
Philip: what did I say like 20 minutes ago about journeys!
Festus: You know what I don’t even understand why we feel a need to run away, I mean these are just people. These are just people who are deranged and confused, but they are people nontheless. Instead of trying to run away or hurt them, we should befriend them and live peacfully in….(interupted)
At that moment the zombies bust in and carry away Festus. They then start to attack the other random people.
Desmond (to Phill): Co’mon He tottally did it it’s so obvious!
Marsha: OMG zombies we G2G!
Haha, stereotypes are fun!
Festus Girly Screetch
Desmond: Everyone through that unrealistically well placed back door. (looking towards Philip) Any objections?
Philip (about to object then looks back at the zombies): Nope!
They Sprint off, while being chased by zombies
They walk on
Desmond: Okay that was waaaaay too close.
Shannon: Wait look here comes the Army!
a few army guys walk in
Army leader: Citizens you are saved, we are here to protect you.
Army Guy 1: Have no fear the army’s here!
Army leader: What did I tell you about talking.
zombies and Marsha walk in
Marsha (runs in screaming): Zombies! Help!
Philip: I thought we lost somebody.
Army guys: Retreat! Fall back!
Army Guys run away in humorous fashion. Zombies go after Army guys
Note the key phrase, “in humorous fashion” Not entirely sure what that is…
Phill (shouting at the army guys): Thought you guys were the best of the best! Ha Seal Team Six my a-
Cal (interupting): Whoa! Let’s keep this rated G, Okay? No one wants to see that. Jeez what’s wrong with you?
Desmond: Cool it man. We got to stick together. You need to stop making fun of everyone all the time.
Cal (mockingly): OOO big man on Campus! Go home!
Desmond: Stop, if we don’t stick together We’re never going to make it out of this.
Cal: Slow down Red Ranger. I didn’t elect you dictator.
Marsha: I think you should listen to him.
Cal: Hey, I don’t need Spongebob Squarepants and iCarly over here to tell me how to live.
Desmond: What’s an S-bag?
Phil: Where is any of that coming from, I swear if this was a movie it would be the single worst written movie ever next to the expendables. All this dialogue is so terrible! I propose we get a different scrip-writer.
Desmond: What are you talking about? Anyways I have an idea! Let’s all go to my house, like we planned before. I think I have some shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, that we can use to protect ourselves from the zombies. Then we should try to find the source of this contagion.
Cal: First off: I believe the term Contagion is trademarked, so you can’t say that. And Second: doesn’t it say somewhere in that book, that you should never try to find the source of the zombie invasion.
Cal: I thought you were against the whole idea of seeking out the zombies?
Phil: I am but seeing as this plot is already terrible as it is, I figure it can’t get much worse.
Desmond: Well deal with it we’re going to find the source of the zombies so either suck it up, or stay here.
Cal: Fine I’ll come, but may I just say I was opposed to this from the start. So if we die it’s your fault.
Desmond: Shut up!
They walk off
They get to the house and quickly head inside.
Desmond: I have a plan!
Clips of them loading up to fight the zombies, meanwhile Philip, and Calvin play Nazi Zombies
Desmond: What are you guys doing! There’s zombies running around killing people outside and you want to play video games.
Calvin: We’re practicing!
Desmond: Get up. Let’s go.
He grabs Philip and pulls him up
Philip: But there’s so many of them outside…
Cut to one zombie in a Field not moving then it try to move and fall over. Cut back
Philip: …and they’re so fast.
Cut back to the zombie and it suddenly just fall over. Cut back.
Desmond (annoyed): Let’s go!
Pan down to Phil and Calvin playing CoD Nazi Zombies
Phil: I eat you Nazi scum for breakfast.
Calvin: I bet you enjoy eating scum for breakfast
Phil: Not as much as I enjoy your mom!
Phil: Cue Montage!
To be clear, the character actually says that out loud
Epic Music: Theme From Shaft!
Cut to slomo of them walking out of the house in funny geddups with nerf guns and bandanas
Suddenly they all stop in their tracks, stop music
Cut to one zombie in the middle of a field just standing there, cut back
Desmond: H-ly carp. Fire!
Epic Shoot ‘em up music, they shoot all their Nerf darts at it.
More slomo Shots. Zoom out nothing happened to the zombie.
Desmond: Run away!
They run away in humorous fashion
Again with the “humorous fashion” bit
run across guy in fuzzy green suit.
AKA the G-suit
Desmond: Zombie get him!
Phil Tackles him.
Cal: Ha take that Zombie!
Guy in suit: Dude what are you doing
Desmond: Oh your not a zombie are you?
Guy in Suit: No. Now get off me!
Phil: He’s a zombie look how he smells.
Cal: You alright man?
Guy in Suit gets up
Marsha: More zombies!
They run away Desmond and the guy in the green suit gets taken
Marsha: We lost two more people and that weird green guy.
Calvin: Thank you Capitãn obvioso.
They get to Calvin’s car
Calvin: Hurry get in.
Shannon: Whoa whoa, you do not appear to be of the proper age to be operating a motor vehicle. Have you taken drivers Ed, do you have 10 hrs with an instructor, have you driven for 40 hrs: 30 during the day 10 at night? Do you even have a license.
Calvin: No I was kicked out of drivers Ed, But that’s irrelevant have you not noticed the zombie apocalypse going on. Like total man eating zombie guys, HURRY UP AND GET IN!
Phil: That was a terrible segway, instead how about we go with…
Marsha: Stop Talking, all of you!
More Epic Music: vigil?, Calvin head-bangs to music
Phil: What is this crap?
Cal: dude this song is sick.
Phil: put on some real music (puts on Salena Gomez)
Cal: How can you call this music?! Fine Compromise
Epic music: Knights of Cydonia? Map of the Problematique??
They Pretend to be driving in an epic driving scene (swerving etc.)
Cut to outside view of what they’re doing to find that they are in the middle of an empty parking lot swerving with no zombies around.
Shannon: What are you guys doing?! Floor it!
Cal: Fine be that way
Phil: That line doesn’t seem to fit you let’s try something else…(cut)
Cut to wide shot again they speed away.
Suddenly they hit one random zombie all by his self.
Phil: Dude go back make sure he’s okay
Cal: That’s an odd thing for you to say.
Phil: I’m trying to spice up this plot.
Cut to shot of zombie lying in the road the car backs up into the shot.
Cal: Hey, are you okay
Phil: Do you need help
Zombie gets up and roars
Philip: fine no need to be rude.
They zoom away
No, I totally didn’t steal that last bit from Shaun of the Dead
Curtains open, Lights up
The rest of the group walks on a bit shaken from the adventurous ride over.
Shannon: you are the single worst driver I’ve ever seen!
Cal: I Panicked!
Marsha: Too bad we lost two people.
Cal: Stupid rule 9!
Phil: What’s that one?
Cal: It basically says two people will die, and that we should leave them.
Desmond: NO! NO! NO! NO! I did not fight off a bunch of zombies and crawl my way back to the school in an amazing and completely unrealistic action sequence, to have you guys throwing the rules in my face NO!
Shannon: What? There is no way you could fight off a bunch of zombies. You lack the coordination and muscular dexterity to pull off such a feat.
Desmond (Glaring at Shannon): Okay so maybe that green guy fought off the zombies while I escaped, I did what needed to be done.
Phil: again not the best delivery, it needs to feel more natural. Alright so here we are, the abandoned warehouse that no one thought to mention until now. Can someone remind me again why we’re here?
Marsha: ugh, Could you be any more annoying.
They go inside
I sincerely apologize for the following scene, I wrote it when I was a freshman, cut me a break
Kim Jong Il: You foun’ me again have you.
Philip: whoa wait a minute! This isn’t right.
Kim Jong Il: I see you find out that I cause whole zombie apocalypse. Now you gonna die. I challenge you to a Dan-
Philip (interupting):NO!, NO NO NO NO! NOOOOOO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. I AM SORRY BUT SO LONG AS THIS TERRIBLE PLOT POINT EXISTS, I REFUSE TO BE A PART OF THIS STORY! I AM LEAVING!
Calvin: Dude calm down what are you talking about.
Philip: THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID FROM THE BEGINNING. IT’S FRESHMEN YEAR ALL OVER AGAIN. Oh wait I get it someone is playing tricks on me. You guys are just messing with me, well haha GAME’S OVER. YOU CAN STOP NOW!
Marsha: you should really to calm down.
Cal: Man are you alright
Phil: I’m done, I’m done!
(Phil walks off)
Kim jong Il (very sad/confused): bu’ you no’ hear bes’ par’.
Cal: Hold on, let me see what the book says to do. (Cal Suddenly looks frightened and turns around)
The Rest: What!? ( they turn around)
Zombie runs on and carries away KJI
Cal: hah, Sucks to be him!
Desmond: What just happened?
Cal: Rule 10. We should go after Phil.
The Rest: Ya!
The Group runs after Phil
I don’t see why, Phil’s a dick
They all walk on including a very disgruntled Philip
Phil(Relieved): it’s okay look it’s the Po-Po! Now I can finally get away from this whole mess.
Marsha: What? The Po-Po?! Who calls the police the Po-Po?
Phil: Cool people. (strikes cool pose)
Marsha: Obviously not.
Cal: look either way the “POLICE” didn’t get here until too late we’re the last ones left.
Phill: I think that is rule 11
Cal: Haha your right!
Desmond: Shut up! I’m so sick-an’-tired of your stupid rules. Let’s go get rescued.
(They walk over and get rescued)
Phil: You know I feel like i’ve seen this before.
Phil: you know, A group of five people who show up and find themselves thrust into a town wide conspiracy and are then tasked with determining the root of said conspiracy, only to find it was not at all what it seemed, ending with the ultimate downfall of the aforementioned person.
Cal: You mean Scooby Doo. You think we just went through an episode of Scooby Doo, Really! Reeaally!?
Phil: Well not a good episode!
(tattered Kim jong Il is carried across stage by police)
Kim Jong Il: Would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
Cal: I see what you mean
Phil: I have dibs on Scooby.
Cal: Wait! Why do you get to be Scooby?
(They move to the back and continue to argue)
Shannon (turning towards the audience) : And so the group went on to live another day and while they lost much they never lost faith in eac-
Desmond interupting: No I know that’s the last rule! not happening!
So it wasn’t that bad right? I mean you got to the end, so it obviously so it couldn’t have been too terrible. Alright so maybe I’m not the best at writing screenplays, but you try it, it’s hard! Well stay tuned for my 50th post coming up on Cinco de Mayo! It is going to be how you say, awesome!