Let me clarify, when I say, “the most dangerous video game,” I don’t mean a video game in which you hunt people, there’s plenty of those. No, what I really mean is the most badass game ever. That’s right, on top of blogging, cinematography, fire making, and bird feeding, I’m adding game developer to my list of key skills. I mean if some kid in his basement can make a game as detailed as that Dwarf Fortress game, or one as addicting as Minecraft, I’m sure I can create the greatest game ever made. So let’s cut the crap and get down to brass tacks!
First off, if I know anything about the current video game industry it has to have tie-ins with all the major soda and junk food brands! I’m talking an alliance with Alec’s Spicy Pretzels! (You don’t get that joke because you don’t live in Vermont) One moment you’ll be shooting stuff and blowing things up, the next you’ll be sitting back enjoying an ice cold Mountain Dew, do the Dew! That one’s free, but the next ones will cost you PepsiCo!
Next I have to make sure that all the characters are gigantic dudes who are extremely masculine and have huge muscles. oh, and they have to be total bros. Each one will be voiced by Christian Bale, I’m going for that batman voice that he does so well.
On to Gameplay. I’m thinking semi-open world, which means there’ll be lots of doors. Should you ever need to get to another room you’ll have to play one of a number of quick mini games, except that all of the mini-games are all just different versions of Jenga. We also have to put chainsaws on everything!!! I’m talking chainsaws on the cars, the planes, the guns. Even the urinals will have chainsaws, because you never know when your going to get mauled when you’re in the middle of a giant war against zombies, or monsters, or mutants, or whatever. After that we’ll borrow some tips from Nick Cage and make sure that all the dialogue is either screamed or whispered. Also, everything in the game will be on fire.
Alright this seems like a solid base. Now let’s set some of the game parameters. If we’re going to be competitive in the gaming market we need at least one giant explosion every 10 seconds, smaller ones can have an interval of around 4 seconds. There also needs to be at least 12 badass one-liners during every cutscene. Also there may be no more than 2 minutes in between any two cutscenes and each scene must be longer than 12 minutes.
Hmm…what else, what else…oh! The box art! Alright so we’ll start with a giant CG building then we get a giant meteor and have it blow through the tower as it explodes. Meanwhile well get some Apache helicopters and have them shooting at a battalion of tanks on the ground. Pepper in some explosions here and there, maybe a few mushroom clouds for good measure. Then, in front of all that, we get one of our macho-man characters and have him casually walking away from all the chaos, maybe a giant sniper rifle over his shoulder. Then all we need is the title. The game will be called Explodinator 3: No Survivors.
So ya you can send all your checks to me. The retail price is $80 for the base game which doesn’t have Co-op, or the expansion packs, or the multiplayer functions, or the singleplayer campaign for that matter. Really all it is is a title screen, but you can listen to the soundtrack! If you want all of that stuff you’re going to have to pay 3 installments of $19.99 every 3 weeks.
On a different note, this post marks number 46, only 4 more until the big day is here. Be sure to stick around for my 50th post celebration on May 5th, Cinco de Mayo! In the meantime, catch up on all the posts you’ve missed, and tell all you’re friends about my blog, because bad ratings make me sad. So get pumped because come Cinco de Mayo, we’re going to have some fun!