Man vs. Magic School Bus

Today were heading to Hanover for Dartmouth’s Model United Nations. As we all piled onto the bus I quickly realized something very troubling. Very few people know how to survive in a bus environment. Well, being a man of the exemplary humanitarianism, I aim to reverse this trend.
Much like survival in school, a topic I’ve already covered, surviving the bus is also about the three essentials. Lets start with water. Buses are like deserts, finding water is a rare occasion. To combat dehydration, I’d recommend carrying a 32 gallon drum of water with you at all times. If your too weak to carry 266 pounds of water, well you weren’t going to survive anyways, natural selection am I right? Should you be without your water and happen upon a rare source on the bus, you have one option: enema. Bus water is notoriously toxic, and ordinary consumption could lead to disease and even death. If you have any qualms about pumping dirty up your bum, just remember, Bear Grylls did it, on national television, so quit whining.
The next essential, food, is simple. Don’t eat anything you find on the ground. The only thing edible is what you bring.
The last and arguably most important survival essential is shelter. Busses are full of dangerous species. That’s when finding a good seat comes in handy. You want a seat near your friends, preferably in the middle of all your taller friends. I would recommend using you talk acquaintances, as some of the more rowdy creatures on some busses have developed the ability to fling projectiles. Also if you ever see a pack of middle schoolers, turn and run! Not only are the physically dangerous, but the will ruin you psychologically. Middle schoolers will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will make fun of the thing you don’t like about yourself.
Busses are one of the most difficult and dangerous survival environments. Personally I hate them. But if you keep your wits about you you will survive unscathed…well maybe a little scathed…ok only like 45% chance of mortal wounds.