Our admissions department has spent the past few weeks diligently reviewing the surplus of applicants we have received this year. As you may well be aware, we had a great many applicants, but only very few slots available for entrance into the freshman class of 2017. We’d also like to thank you for your application fee, we have already spent it on the creation of a giant swimming pool filled with money (see picture), in the admissions office break room.
I would like to assure you that our office relies on the most sophisticated, and state-of-the-art algorithms to determine the right fit for a given applicant. We begin by throwing a pair of 5–sided dice. Any applications with the number that was rolled are immediately eliminated from consideration. The remaining applications are then examined by a highly trained team of un-paid interns who eliminate any applications that are deemed “whiny”. The remaining pool of applications are crumpled up and used as bedding for Remy the hamster. Any applications that receive his “liquid gold” stamp of approval are immediately accepted.
The admissions officers who reviewed your application wanted me to bring your attention to the following information. First and foremost, the SAT scale only goes up to 2400, therefore it is mathematically for you to have scored 900 on all three categories. Secondly, Ruzzle does not count as an extra-ciricular activity and as such you will be no credit for “pwning all of your friends by 1000 points or more”. Lastly, the prompt you selected asked you to
If you haven’t caught on yet you have been wait-listed at CGNU, we want to fill you with a little bit of hope, that way your dreams are fully and completely destroyed when we tell you that you have been rejected. We hate you and we hope you die in a hole.
Edward Smitington- Deane of Admissions
P.S. Sucks to suck!