Today is boring, nothing ever happens anymore. No one goes on adventures, or saves the world nowadays, its all debate and politics. Gone are the days of Butch Cassidy diplomacy, replaced instead with…Eeyore diplomacy (everyone is just whiny). You know it’s a bad day when so little happens that sequestration is the top news story. Everything went downhill after they banned gladiators and now you can’t even karate chop a tiger without getting a subpoena. Luckily for me, and quite possibly you too, we have history. Screw modern issues, instead I can make fun of the Schmalkaldic War of 1546!
Let’s warm up with the Defenestration of Prague. For this little historical adventure we travel to the year 1618. We find ourself in Bohemia in the build up to the 30 Years War. For the unlearned among you let me explain. The Protestants in Bohemia were angry with their catholic rulers, so they took action against them, with intent to kill. So what did they do? They threw them out a window. If you’ve ever taken I French class you’d know that fenêtre is French for window, and just happens to be the root of de-fenest-ration. Apparently being thrown out a winds was third on Europeans’ worries behind the plague and actual dragons. Oh and as for the guys who got thrown out the window, they survived because they landed on a pile of excrement. So I guess the Three Stooges isn’t so original after all.
History is a funny thing. We look at the europeans and they seem so civil and educated, but we forget that they basically spent the past 2000 years killing each other. Regardless of where you are in European history, you’re never more than 10 years away from a war. The Spanish used to be the best nation in all of Europe, until they got their asses handed to them by the British Navy. Oh and the British. You couldn’t let the Brits within 100 miles of your territory without threat of being colonized. Then there’s the French. You’d think that one Napoleon was enough, but no! Even after getting beat up by all of Europe, they elect another Napoleon president like ten years later! And as luck would have it, he would also declare himself a dictator and get beat by the Germans, well the Prussians at this point. As for Italy, they peaked in the Renaissance, ever since then they’ve been pretty irrelevant. They got beaten by Ethiopia for crying out loud, though in their defense, Ethiopia was pretty badass, being the only independent state in all of Africa at one point…
Um, yeah…so I’ve kind of lost my train of thought. It was going well with the Defenestration of Prague, but then I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I shouldn’t make fun of history. It’s probably not fair of me to make fun of Christopher Columbus for coming to the New World, thinking it was India. I mean you try discovering a new continent without google maps, there’s bound to be some error…again I’m lost. I think I’m just going to call it quits on this one…Yay!