Photoshop

Me and JFK go way back
Me and JFK go way back

I’m not one to brag, but I’m quite the techno-wizard, a class three dark mage to be precise. Because of this I am well versed in the ways of photoshop. Ever since Adobe made the program it’s been helping people create and edit professional photographs with incredible precision…and photoshoping your face onto famous peoples’ bodies. Unfortunately my friends are not as techno-savvy, so I have to do it all for them. Thus when the Real Clam Barritt asked me to photoshop his girlfriend into the background of a picture, I humbly agreed, but not with out adding my own artistic interpretation. Seeing as how I’m quickly running out of things to blog about, I’m going to guide you through the process.

Figure 1
Figure 1
Figure 2
Figure 2

The base picture (figure 1) we’re dealing with here is pretty standard. You got Clam in the middle, a nice action shot, and some extraneous people all about. The original task was to photoshop Figure 2 into the background, either to make it look like she was there,

Figure 3
Figure 3

or something…I still don’t really get what he was looking for. But about 5 minutes later a had this (figure 3). It’s pretty good, and Clam liked it, but it’s so björing (that’s artist for boring).

Figure 4
Figure 4

So to compensate I just made more of her (figure 4). It’s pretty good, but it needed more.I thought to myself, Gilmo you have done a sweet job, but you can do better. So I sat and tried to figure out a way to make the picture even more ridiculous and just a tad creepier. So I added a picture of the guy from Family Feud…twice (Figure 5).

Figure 5
Figure 5

A lesser artist probably would have stopped now, but I will never be satisfied until I have reached perfection. The picture had some good laughs, but it lacked a level of Je ne sais qoui (artist for BS). It needed to feel like something was getting accomplished, a feeling of satisfaction. Then it struck me like an asteroid (too soon?).

Figure 6
Figure 6

A few moments later I arrived at this (figure 6). Boom! Now not only does the picture scream “accident at the cloning factory”, but it also screams “impossible.” Now that the photo has a villain, we have to add the twist. At the end of every good movie, there’s always a point where the good guy(s) is(are) about to win, but something gets in the way and almost derails the whole thing. What better to embody this feeling than a football player coming from the side and tackling Clam? Unfortunately the only pictures I had of football players were of Pat Tillman. But I’m not one to let death get in my way, so I photoshoped it anyways and ended up with this (Figure 7).

Figure 7
Figure 7

And there is was, the ultimate photo. It captures every emotion imaginable. It conveys a sense of unknown: will Clam get murdered by the ghost of Pat Tillman? What is the host of Family Feud saying? Is he trying to warn Clam about the ghost that’s about to turn him into Clam Chowder? And what about Usaine? What is he thinking, loosing to a High School Tracklete? Rarely has an artist such as myself created a masterpiece so deserving of praise and compensation.

Now let’s say you have some pictures that you want photoshoped, I offer up my services for all those willing to pay my price: one bushel of cookies. All payments should be made up front through my butler Reginald.

By submitting your digital images to Gilmo you hereby agree to surrender all legal authority over said images, thus rendering them the sole possession of Gilmo. Gilmo reserves the right to use the submitted images for what every use or purpose he desires, including but not limited to: advertisement, blog posting, public embarrassment, and bragging. Any and all complaints should be documented in a written letter to be submitted to Gilmo, whereby he will burn it whilst mocking your futile gesture.
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