The ultimate prize: three wishes for anything in the world. It is the ultimate opportunity to fulfill you’re wildest dreams, and yet everyone always screws it up. People always get too selfish when it comes to picking their wishes. Now before I really dive in here, let me establish some ground rules. First and foremost, no wishing for additional wishes, the point is to be selective, not to make you a lazy asshole. For the purposes of this exercise I’m going to say nothing outside the laws of physics, so you’re going to have to find another way to get x-ray vision. All quantities must be in finite amounts, in other words no asking for an infinite amount of money. Lastly, you can’t interfere with people’s freewill, you can’t make people fall in love with you, you can’t make people do things they don’t want to and you can’t make Brian lock himself in the closet (though he spends enough time in there already, boom roasted).
The problem with most people, is they get greedy and selfish when asking for wishes. You want a million dollars, what to support your rapid cocaine addiction? You want world peace, why so you can brag to all your friends that you created world peace? Stop being so selfish. NO when you’re making such life altering decisions such as these, you have to be objective and altruistic. If you let you’re emotions and greed get in the way you’re going to make a giant mistake and die while trying to snort a comically large pile of cocaine, like that guy from that movie. But look, I realize making these decisions can be hard, so I’ll guid e you through the process by telling you about mine.
1) Private Island
What I’m talking about here is not your ordinary island. I’m talking a luxury island retreat/private resort/mansion. I want this thing loaded to the max. Now you’re probably saying, “hey Gilmo, what happened to all that altruistic BS you were yapping on about? At least world peace helps people other than myself, how does a private island help anyone?” We’ll if you’d stop being such a dick and let me finish. What I was about to say is that while a private island hardly seems like a charitable decision, I assure you it is. See as we’ve already established, I’m going to be helping a lot of people with my remaining two wishes, and I need to have solid living conditions if I’m going to be helping all those people. How can you expect me to do good deeds I don’t have a money pool to swim in after a hard day of charity. How could Warren Buffet donate millions to people in need if he didn’t have a place to live.
2) Successful Media Studio
Now I know what you’re going to say, “Gilmo how is this helpful to anyone? You’re being selfish too!” You need to stop speaking unless spoken too. But I’ll humor you’re question, this one last time. With my studio, we’ll make movies, TV shows, all the things I’ve always wanted to make but never had the resources to do. We’ll be producing entertainment, which inherently makes people happier, and thus their lives better. In addition because I already have so killer living arrangements, it leaves more money for me to donate from my successful studio to charities and such. So ya I’m helping people, just imagine your life without your favorite movie, and then thank the person who made it for making your life better.
3) More wishes?
Now I know I said you couldn’t ask for more wishes, but broad statements like that always have loopholes. First off, I should probably get an exemption from the rules, because I’m not being a selfish dick like Brian. If you’re leprechaun doesn’t have a heart of gold like me then you could always ask for another one. I never said you couldn’t wish for another genie/leprechaun/witch doctor. You could just keep asking for more genies and every time you’d get three more wishes, problem solved. assuming neither of those tactics work, you could always wish for the ability to grant your own wishes. Now let’s say your wish giver is especially vigilant, and rejects your attempt, and assuming the witch doctor finds humor in your clever attempts, thereby not penalizing you one wish, you’re going to need another thing to wish for…
3 1/2) Personal Fleet of Starships
This is the ultimate wish. Not only can I roam the galaxy with my own personal fleet of starships, but I also get the title defender of the galaxy, and bring human civilization into the space age. While you may argue that we’re in the space age already, having been to the moon and all, I’m going to call BS. We went to the moon a couple of times, and landed some robots on the moon. What I’m talking about is mass market space travel, colonies on distant planets, x-wing star fighters the whole nine yards! It’s the kind of stuff Sir Richard Branson has been yapping about since he got bored wasting his money on products no one buys except for my 85-year-old grandmother I.E. Virgin Mobile. So the next time you look at the starts, look for me, because I’ll be watching. I don’t do it for glory, I don’t do it for fame, I do it…for humanity! This is Admiral Gilmo of the Starship USS Leviathan, signing off.