It’s the End of the Word as We Know It

There are many theories as to how the world will end; asteroid, nuclear holocaust, killer wallabies; but regardless of how we do ultimately meet our untimely demise, it’s important to be prepared. If video games have taught me anything, it’s how to survive the apocalypse. When the planet is eventually bathed in radioactive fire there will only be three types of people left standing: the badass survivalists, the lucky ones, and everyone who played Fallout 3. Should you be one of those noobs who decides to spend their time outside with friends instead of alone in your basement with five bags of Doritos and a case of Red Bull, I’m here to help. Unfortunately given the variety of armageddon scenarios, there is no single list of tips and tricks, instead we’ll have to go through the most popular scenarios one-by-one.

Asteroid:

Ever since Bruce Willis and his buddies hoped aboard those two rocket ships and blew up an asteroid with an oil drilling rig and a nuclear bomb, in prehaps one of the least scientific adventures in human history, people have been talking about asteroids hitting the planet and killing everyone. And then this happened:

If that hasn’t filled your pants with excrement, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately when it comes to asteroids, there’s not much in the way of surviving, as good as your reflexes may be, it’s going to be a bit of a challenge dodging an 80-ton flaming space rock. Luckily there aren’t many asteroids expected to hit Earth…except…oh this isn’t good. But don’t worry there are plenty of other things that will probably kill us sooner…wait that doesn’t help.

Supervolcano:

The scariest part about supervolcanoes is that they have erupted before, and last time they almost got us. Oh, and did I mention that Yellowstone National Park is a supervolcano. The biggest concern of supervolcanoes is the ridiculously large amounts of ash that get dumped into the atmosphere, likely triggering an ice age. So remember to pack lots of warm undies when preparing for the eruption of a supervolcano. Also with the sun completely blocked out by volcanic ash, plant life will be wiped out and the food chain will be cut short, so stock up on canned goods. “Sorry little timmy, but my post-apocalyptic survival is more important than your food drive; go ask Brian, he’s not going to survive anyways so I’m sure he’ll give you some cans.”

Nuclear Apocalypse:

Here’s where my video game experience really comes in handy. When the armies of the world do finally rain fiery hell upon the unsuspecting populous below, I’ll be prepared for the impending new world order because I’m a level 50 Paladin in Fallout New Vegas. I firmly believe that nothing is better than first hand experience, but if you don’t have +200 hours to waste killing super mutants, then I recommend you pay very close attention. Surviving the initial blast is all about luck, but should you make it past the initial explosion, then grab your supplies and get underground, and stay there. The new world will be full of radiation so don’t go out with anything less the than a full radiation suit, and bring a Geiger Counter with you. When the fires and radiation do subside it’s time to reestablish civilization. Get a group of survivors together and raid some army barracks, you’re going to want guns to fight off the mutant hordes. Once you have a strong group together, set up a base in an easily defensible location, like say an old army base, or a former prison. Then play some team-building activities, because group chemistry is going to be the deciding factor between life and death, except instead of pretending to pick 6 people to survive in the bomb shelter, you actually get to pick for real! Lastly, you have to repopulate the planet, so get to work #WakkWakka.

Aliens:

Ah, the good old alien invasion. We humans have been fantasizing about this scenario for millennia. Don’t worry, if the aliens come looking to collect the money we owe them for building the Pyramids, we as a species are well prepared to deal with the problem. I mean we have Master Chief for crying out loud! Wait he’s not real? What about the Avengers? Commander Shepard? That F-16 flying president from Independence Day? Crap! Let’s just hope the aliens lack resistance to the common cold like in War of the Worlds, otherwise we may have a problem on our hands. How about instead of fighting over budgets, we start building a giant alien-killing laser, or better yet, our own fleet of intergalactic starships. Until then let’s hope predator doesn’t find out I took his lunch box.

Epidemic:

Humanity is no rookie when it comes to disease, from Bubonic Plague to Spanish Flu, epidemics have been keeping the population of Europe in check for centuries.There’s no shortage of diseases lining up to be the one that tries to wipe us out next; the scariest of which has to be ebola (I’ll spare you the details because they’re graphic to say the least). The only real solution to this one is to become the ultimate germophobe. Wear rubber gloves and a face mask all the time, never touch anyone for any reason, and carry a 50 gallon drum of purell on your back. If things get really bad, barricade yourself in your house with a shotgun, and brutally murder anyone who tries to get in.

Zombies:

Flesh-eating Elmo's are not a joke!
Flesh-eating Elmo’s are not a joke!

Easily my favorite disaster scenario is the zombie apocalypse. I’ve been planning for this one all my life, my friends and I have actually created an emergency plan in the event of a zombie outbreak. The problem is that the scientific community has been unable to come to consensus as to what kind of zombies will we be facing.  If we’re looking at you’re typical undead, slow, stupid and hungry, then we’ll be fine. However, you always plan for the worst, which in this case is the fast, living zombie, a 28 Days Later-type scenario. In this case there is no waiting it out. First and foremost, you’re going to want to form a group just like after the nuclear apocalypse, but this time you’re not going to have time to play team-building exercises, what with all the flesh-eating monsters out there. Instead, quickly scavenge some supplies and get to the country. Take the back roads because the main ones are going to be packed. Once you’ve found you’re crew a nice little spot, set up a camp, and some defenses then you just have to hold out as long as possible….oooor you could become a rambo-stlye zombie slayer. The choice is yours, but I’ll warn you, one is way more fun than the other.

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