Gilmo’s Guide to Succeed at Sport

Gilmo: Man-Hunter
Gilmo: Man-Hunter

As a gentleman it is pertinent that one be well versed in the realm of sport. I am not referring to such hooligans‘ games as American “football”, or the so-called “soccer.” No what I’m referring to is the only true sport, the most dangerous game, man hunting.While hunting bears or tigers may give one a petty thrill, it is only while chasing down another human with a machete that gives one the impulse to yell, “jolly good sport!” in a British accent. No other creature on earth can replicate the excitement and mystery of a good manhunt. But in order succeed one must know their quarry.

Hunting the most dangerous game is unlike anything also. In contrast to a hawk or tiger, man lacks offensive weapons such as talons or razor-sharp teeth. Additionally, man lacks the agility and endurance of your average game. But there is one factor that elevates man above your humble quail: a conscience mind. Man will anticipate your assault and try to deceive you. While a chipmunk you can trust to live in a hole, a human will lead you to a house to distract you as it quietly pisses itself out of fear of the hunt. Perhaps most importantly, the average man will often try to make the hunter the hunted. This can be especially problematic, as they are crafty creatures. What looks like an ordinary pit, could turnout to be a Vietnamese death trap, and what may look like a simply be a metal frisbee could turnout to be a type II Bakelite anti-tank mine.
The next consideration when planning a gentlemanly game of sport is personal effects. It is recommended that one plan his or her apparel according to the location of the hunt. Rainforest? A poncho and some good hiking boots. Savanna? Safari cap and a crack pipe (that is what those old timey archeologists smoked right?). The key to dressing for sport is layers. You want to be able to maintain a stable body temperature while your chasing down your prey, and dressing in layers allows you to add or remove clothes to maintain a constant speed so that Brian is never more than a few paces ahead of you.

Never leave without your globe!
Never leave without your globe!

The next consideration is gear. Again additional gear may be required depending upon the climate of the hunting grounds, but a few item are absolutely necessary regardless of environment. A true outdoorsmen and man hunter should always carry a compass, a sturdy rope, and a trusty knife. In addition I like to carry a globe. There are many reasons for this, very few maps encompass the entire world, and those that do often have a great deal of distortion. When adventuring, the last thing you want is to be thrown off course by a distorted map.Why need the entire you ask? Why it’s simple my young chap, a true adventurer like myself knows no bounds, sometimes I have no idea where an adventure will take me. Because of this I can’t be limitied by the constrints of a map that doesn’t show me the entire world. What happens if I’m hunting yeti in antarctica and my map only shows Uzbekistan, why this simply will not do! Thus I have resolved to always carry a globe and I recommend you do so as well.. Also one can find pocket sized globs just about anywhere just like mine.

The last thing  one needs a good weapon with which to hunt. This one depends on the individual. I am a fan of the machete, but you may want to consider a throwing glave, pikeman’s spear  or if you’re skilled enough, an M82 Barrett .50 caliber anti-materiel rifle. Only the huntsmen can choose their weapon, but what I can do, is aid that process. Do you enjoy a good challenge? Then opt. for a precision weapon. While igniting a forrest with 1000 pounds of napalm is fun, it hardly makes for challenging sport. However venturing into the wilderness with nothing but a bowie knife and a loin cloth? That’s sport! and the makings of another Rambo movie!

Many so-called “athletes” will argue that their activity qualifies as sport. But I say nay! Sport is meant to be a day’s worth of excitement and adventure, with the winner claiming his prize to be mounted in the study. There is no place for bands of hooligans marauding around a predetermined and heavily manicured “field”, with butt-slaps a plenty, in the realm of sport! In addition, there is no room for your trivial “sportsmanship”. If you had fun you won? NAY I SAY! No, only whence you are stroking the taxidermic head of your slain enemies have you truly won. And for those of you who choose to argue over the ethics of sport, I only ask, but why, ’tis only sport!

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