Superpowers

Alright so I'm not the best photoshopper
Alright so I’m not the best photoshopper

As a self-professed nerd, I’ve long been a fan of superheroes. From the flash to batman and (almost) everything in between. As such I’ve long contemplated which superpower I would have if given the choice. Before making any kind of life-altering choice such as superpowers, you should always take a look at all the available options and examine every angle.

For starters there are a bunch of superheroes that I love. First and foremost is Batman. He has sweet gadgets, awesome vehicles, and he’s a genius. The best part is that he doesn’t really have any superpowers, essentially he’s the common man’s superhero, which makes him all the more likable. Then there’s the Jedi from Star Wars. While not technically considered superheroes, they fight evil forces and have super human telekinesis, so I think they count. Not to mention the fact that the Jedi Order is home to badasses like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu. Lastly, there’s the Flash. He’s the classic superhero archetype that we all know and love, not to mention the fact that super speed is super sick.

There are a few superheroes who I don’t like, however. First and foremost I don’t like Superman. He’s overpowered, you can’t hurt him and he has 50 billion different super abilities. I’m also not a fan of Spiderman. Cool he can shoot webs, cool he can climb buildings, he’s annoying, he’s weak and I don’t like him. Let me know when spiderman manages to do anything worth mentioning, and then maybe I’ll curb my hatred for spiderman, until then keep shooting your puny little webs, I’m going to be chilling in the batcave with Bruce Wayne.

There are also some truly pitiful super powers out there. Case and point: Aquaman. He can talk to marine animals, and swim really well, but all of his powers are instantly nullified the moment he goes up on land. He’s all badass under the water, but if a villain really wanted to execute their evil plan, all they would have to do is stay out of the ocean. I’ve never once been walking around and gotten attacked by a shark. The only thing Aquaman could possibly do is politely ask his enemies to kindly go for a swim, but I don’t think mob bosses are big on snorkeling, so that plan’s out of the picture.

The plight of poor Aquaman just illustrates all the dumb limitations on super powers. “You can turn into a machine gun but not bullets. Contemporary Jazz turns you back to normal. You can only transform into presents your grandmother knitted for you.” That’s why you have to be extremely careful when picking your superpower. If I pick telekinesis, can I move single atoms around? Can I move planets? Can I have a lightsaber and swing it around pretending to be Obi-Wan Kenobi? These questions need to be answered before choosing a power, otherwise you’ll be stuck talking to fish like Aquaman. Whereas if they’re weren’t as many limitations, and say Aquaman’s telepathic abilites extended to animals, then I’d be riding a freaking grizzly bear around and fighting crime in a heartbeat.

I think if I had to choose right now, I’d pick telekinesis. Mainly because there’s so many offshoot powers like flight and super strength. Just look at the movie Chronicle, what started as three kids playing with leggos, turned into two kids blowing up downtown Seattle, oh….uh….spoiler alert. Plus if I had telekinesis, I would be able to do that force push thing like in Skyrim!

But alas, superpowers aren’t real, so I’m going to just have to keep wishing, or at least until someone finds that green thing from Chronicle…

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