No one likes awkward situations, and that goes doubley for me. But of course I would be the one whose prone to awkward situations because that’s just the way the world works. Through the years I’ve noticed some patterns though, and I’ve been able to recognize some sites of increase awkwardness. So sit down children it’s story time, we’re going to count these down Letterman style (or Cracked style depending on how you spend your time on the internet)!
4) Locker rooms-
Now this one is pretty common sense. Any public space in which groups of people voluntarily, or involuntarily for that matter, take off their clothes is naturally going to be prone to a few awkward moments. It doesn’t help that about 90% of the people in every locker room I’ve ever been in seem to insist on pulling the full monty. I would prefer to go through my day while seeing as few dongs as possible. You would think that the steam room would be a good place then, it’s foggy so you can’t see anything. Well it was until one older gentleman walked in and said, “these’ll come back on later,” and proceeded to pull down his pants and sit right next to me. And that was the last time I ever ventured into the steam room.
No one likes airports. Long lines, ridiculous security, and those annoying TSA people. I could point to any number of comedians to explain how terrible they are. But of course I would never hop on the bandwagon without some valid reasons.To start with, I am always the guy whose bag gets screened again. I mean always. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been minding my own business and the guy working the machine says, “whose freaking bag is this!?” and it’s always mine. It’s not like I have anything suspicious in there anyways, just some full-size snickers bars. My worst experience ever has to have been when I took a school trip. We were flying to Greece from JFK so my mom packed me a water bottle for the trip down to New York. However, she did not tell me about this water bottle, so when I got to security, the guy there lost it. Then I had to take the flipping walk of shame over to the trash can to empty my water bottle, then go BACK through security, the guy giving me the evil eye the entire way. So next time you complain about airport security, just be happy you weren’t yelled at, then made to look like a dumbass in front of all your friends and classmates. It was embarrassing to say the least!
2) Movie Theaters-
I have a saying: every terrible experience I have had has happened in a movie theater. While it may be hyperbole, it’s still fairly accurate. For example: when my friends and I went to see the Hobbit my brother gave me a coupon for $5 off, oh also I hate coupons. I went first and the stupid thing didn’t work! They had to call down the manager and I had to stand there awkwardly while all of my friends got their tickets and went into the movie. The worst thing that’s ever happened is when my friends and I tried to see Harold and Kumar Christmas. It started when I tried to buy the ticket and the flipping cashier yelled at me because I apparently wasn’t old enough. So I just bought a ticket for a different movie, with the intention of just sneaking into Harold and Kumar (like a stealth kitten). Oh and to clarify, I was late my friends were already in the theater. So I finally get in and txt my friends to see where they are…wouldn’t you know I’m in THE WRONG THEATER! So if any of you have ever wondered why I’m hesitant to go to the movies, that’s why.
1) Elementary Schools-
Elementary schools are very happy places, but only for two select groups of people: teachers and students. Other than the occasional parent, no one should ever go near an elementary school without proper documentation. Now this story has some background. My mother is a librarian at a local elementary school. One day she forgot her sneakers at home and me being the amazing son that I am, offered to bring them to her. To be clear, that was the good part. Being the oblivious person that I am, I just walked straight in and proceeded down the hallway (you see where this is going?). Now this was the school I had gone to as a child, so I got a few, “hey! how ya been?” or, “my look how tall you’ve grown”. By this time I had gotten about halfway down the hall when all of a sudden I hear behind me, “Travis?”. Of course I thought to myself, “my name isn’t Travis, she must be talking to some runaway child.” But here’s the thing, there was no one else in the hall! By now I was almost at the corner to the home stretch. Now the shouts had gotten louder so I decided to take a quick look back to make sure they weren’t talking to me. Sure enough the receptionist, whom I know quite well, had mistaken me for some guy named Travis who’d been creeping around the elementary school. WTF!!!! Now I realize that a 6ft tall man wearing a sweatshirt, and dark sunglasses doesn’t exactly blend in with 2nd graders, so that ones on me. But it was freaking awkward. The worst part is I still had to walk down another hallway with the other librarian who had witnessed the whole thing, to get to the library. I’ve since been assured that the man isn’t a child predator, but is actually a very nice man who has a history of mental disability, but I didn’t know that at the time! Needless to say, I won’t be delivering anything else to the library.